Sober Chick

Here are the unleashed pages of a sober chick in recovery. My journey (date of sobriety) began on June 13th, 2005. For 29 years of my life I was spiritually sick. Emotinally defeated by drunken black-outs, bulimic binging and purging episodes and self-mutilation, I finally surrendered.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Blog having ISSUES

Hey All,

My webhost is down (malicious code to one of the servers, they have been trying to fix this all day). My blog is only at 50%. I am hoping that this problem will be resolved at some point today. I will post as soon as it is up and running.

ARRGGGHH, patience and tolerance of others (or things) . . . once again I am powerless . . .



Friday, April 28, 2006

Congrats 2 Katy on 30 days!


Congratulations on your 30 days! You are a sparkle in my recovery and I am so grateful for your presence and journaling. You are such an inspiration!

Sober Chick

If anyone has a moment, Katy posted something really beautiful today and is celebrating her 30 days of success as a member of OA.

God Shot

Last night the comittee in my head were negotiating -- uh oh. One of my, um, "character defects" happens to be spending money. My spending habits, since in recovery, have become some-what controlled. Sometimes they like to pop up -- I am powerless in Target. It is like the liquor store & I get in trouble there.

Anyhow, Mentally I was pumped to go to Boot Camp before the committe started session. The negotiations were between Boot Camp and shopping. Nevermind that I just cleaned my closet out of things I have bought, wore once and are packed in the garage waiting to be donated. If I really look hard, I have all I really need in my closet.

I closed the comittee down and went to Boot Camp (thank you God 4 the courage). I drove to the location. We were going off site to the Mt. Wilson Trail, so I parked my truck and got out to stretch while waiting for everyone to show. As I was stretching one of the Boot Campers comments on my license plate:

He said, "Right On." It turns out that he celebrates his first year of sobriety TODAY. Is this coincidence? I think not. We got to talk a little (b4 BC coach kicked us into gear). I was even more mentally fueled after this conversation. I applied this to my circuit training work out - YAAAAAAAAAH!

My God is so awesome. I feel the experience yesterday was his way of giving me a HIGH 5! So many wonderful things are happening at this time. Katy celebrate here 30 days today towards her struggle (and now victory) with food. My little sober sister celebrates her year May 5th; Mel gets her 1st June 5th and mine will be shortly after that. I am amazed that out of such Ugliness (the Dzs) so many wonderful things can happen.

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful 4:
- when I discover another alcoholic (in recovery) in my life there is this luminous energy that touches my soul
- Katy's post yesterday. She celebrates 30 days TODAY (in the success from binging). Her courage and energy in her recovery is refreshing.
- that tonight I am having dinner with my sober sisters at Tidal Wave. I look forward to laughing and the process of breaking down my FEAR of being a friend.
- Weight Watchers and the structure it gives me to my food intake
- today is Friday, I am leaving work early (to get my Crown put on) and that I can be honest with my supervisor and tell him I am calling in sick Monday but I really won't be sick.
- for my job. Last year I was falling so ill to my Dz. In one month I would announce my problem to Toby, my supervisor (mind you I was just hired a month ago last year at this time), and this was my first humbling experience. My employer wanted to help. My job was held as I went into treatment. I get tears writing this, because I am truly grateful and so blessed.
- my Mr. Incredible and our babies
- the great emails from mary christine, enjoytoday & JJ

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

It's That Time Again Folks -- hAAppy HNT

Why are Thursdays so groovy - because we get to Celebrate who we are! And themSOME!!!

Check out other Celebrations by clicking where your mouse is HERE!!! ;)

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

No God, Know Fear; Know God, No Fear

My beau's Mom sent me this (I read it, then read it again, and will continue to read it):

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.

For most of my life I thought I was intellectually better than God. How dare you associate me with adhering to a religious denomination or any Higher Power of the sort. My God loved me and waited for me to be ready to embrace His love. My thought was corroded with only the Self. Lethal, rotton, I was being contaminated by my own mind. Today my story is otherwise.

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful:
- for allowing the drink that almost killed me guide me to the embracing love of my God
- that I can go to sleep with silence in the bedroom; that I no longer need to find ways to shut off those voices that polutte my soul
- for the process no matter how difficult it may be; for the rewards during the process, they are subtle, but they are there
- my animals, that when I walk in the door there they are, happy just cuz I am home (ok, maybe cuz it is dinner time too)
- Trish and my Mom (and to see my mom smile yesterday, she is so beautiful)
- Alice D and all she does
- my beau and the laughter we share together each night (last night espicially, watching Dave Chappelle season 2, hehehehooohhaahahaa)
- for that wonderful feeling that follows by showing an act ok kindness
- cartoons and the music in the background; for ability to still hold the child in me (below, this is what's playing in the background as I post) . . . look Tab, anything familiar here? Heheheeh.

- 316 days of sobriety & 171 of abstinance from bulimia

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Weekend Blessings

I had dinner Friday night with 2 of closest sober sisters Mel and Alexis. I love them so much. We laughed so much talking about how it use to be pulling off all our sick Shinanigans. We are only a handful left of women that went through the house around this time last year.

I remember when I had 2 weeks (I was in primary care then) they told us it was a fact that most of us would not make it. "Look to your left and look to your right, only one of you may be here in a year." No way I said. It was the truth, soon my sisters started dropping like flies.

So why us, why are we still here? At first I was terrified that I had not reached that point of complete desperation that forced many to go back out. But I am no different than that person locked up as a result of his/her alcoholic actions. I suffer from a spiritual malody that only a spiritual solution can remedy. I am grateful that there is a solution for all that clatter that exist in m head. My life today, even in early recovery, is staturated with blessings.

Saturday night Mitch and I had a wonderful dinner at Tidal Wave. I was excited to have the beautiful sound of the Czardas (the song playing is from their CD, "Never On Sunday") beaming relaxing therapy into my soul. Of the Trio, only 2 were playing but they still sounded magnificent. I learned that the 2 there were Father and daughter, Brian & Rebecca (leader of the trio, Gary was away). I felt so beautiful after talking to them -- this feeling caused by seeing their relationship and how music plays a role in it. I felt this energy and goodness within by the simplicity of seeing this relationship. Although I will never have this type (or any type) of relationship with my Father (jails, institutions or death, he is well on his way, roaming the streets halucinating today -- all what the Big Book tells me) I can have this for my children, 2 loving parents.

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful:
- that I will be entering my 30s sober with God's grace and love
- That I have 2 wonderful trudging buddies whom I love and are teaching me to be accountable for my actions
- That tonight I will be going to Casa to give my sober sister April (she gets a year May 5th!) my donos (donations). She puts them to good use.
- That I got to speak to my Uncle and help him with some concerns about his Bunny
- My Mom, that she did the best she could and that 2day I love her for who she and do not obsess at what she is NOT.
- For my new iDOG, take a look, I am a new Mommy

- Spongebob Squarepants, Charlie Brown, the simple fact that I love watching cartoons
- Mitch and our furballs
- That self pity does not rule me; and I pray daily that my father will discover what I have and realize the gift of life. My gratitude here is that I do not WOO-IS-ME about not having a father. I am grateful for Hope!
- The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and Bill W's story. Although he could not keep another alcoholic sober at first, he was staying sober.
- The chilie California weather (yes, I am a weakling, 65 degrees is considered cold inmy book)
- You blogging peeps & the new (hope I got the link right this time) oooh man and to see it grow . . .

Friday, April 21, 2006

I Listened 2 The Right Voice, It Was Not Mine

After Boot Camp last night I was driving home, then I heard this voice in my head that was not mine. I listened . . .

I am learning to trust the right voices that echo in that thing that gets me in trouble. I heard a voice telling me that I should go to a meeting. I listened to God's direction and went to the Womens Stag at Casa. I have not been to this meeting in months. The secretary was in relaspe mode, the speakers, I felt, spoke mostly based on opinion (hah, and this is my opinion) and I began walking away from that meeting feeling worse than when I got there. So I stopped going.

And so God is awesome when I listen and do. The speaker last night was LIT!!! A good lit. She celebrated 20 years and spoke from the Big Book steps 1 - 6. I believe that God speaks through people, and I was to be in that chair, at that time, to hear what I needed to hear. Sometimes I sit at meetings and what I hear is all that crap in my own head. I am still learning how to, um, ignore it -- it is all spiritual process I must remember.

Today I am so blessed that I have this Dz. I can NEVER take a drink again. Wait a second, ok, I can drink again at any given time but I could NEVER drink SAFELY again. This is my truth. I have not hit the rock bottoms that many speak of during meetings. However it is all relative. My rock bottom was enough for me to take action, I was desperate enough to seek a different solution that was other than my own. I know if I enable the drink back into my life there is no more God and there is always a rock bottom beneath my rock bottom.

todAAy i am grAAteful & thAAnkful:
*Step 3
"Made a decision to turn our will (What I Want) and our lives (What I Have) over to the care of God as we understood Him."
* I got to see Mary, my house manager while I was in sober living, take a 4 year cake
The Fellowship that allows me to see my Truth
* That I can listen to the similarities, not the differences of those in the fellowship
* All the hugs I got last night from my sisters
* April, my little sober sister (with the most contagious energy). We shared the Garden room at Casa together. She, along with Alexis, helped me to discover my God -- to abandon that fear of 29 years which prevented me from having a God.
* Jazz and how it transmits in my emotional state
* Of course Mr. Incredible, Budda, Asia, Basa Boo, Nic and my old lady friend Olive
* SSG. Eric LeClair and all the Elite Fitness Bootcampers
* That it's FRIDAY
* The Sobriety Society , thanks Scott along with dAAve
* All of you. You help to ignite the light in my recovery.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Boogie Oggie, It's Good 2B Alive!!!

Half Naked and Half Awake b4 my coffee fix - oh wait, it's hAAlf nAAked thursdAAy -- Time 2 BOOGIE!!!

See more hAAppies like this . . . right HERE!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Fear, NO MORE!

"All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right."
12 Steps and 12 Traditions, p. 49

Before I walked into the rooms of AA, I thought my self-will was my only weapon in the war against my alcoholism and bulimia. I was strong in many other avenues in my life, yet I could not claim victory over this battle. Each time I would fight, I would get beaten down by the Beast. This loss generated so much FEAR. The FEAR increased after each failure. The Beast grew strong and it wanted to destroy me, all of me.

Then there came a day when my tactics began to evolve in this battle. All I had to do was surrender. By surrending to this war no longer would I have to shelter this FEAR. It was not just about me anymore. I do fight a battle each day but it is not aimed at alcohol or bulimia. My battle (an energetic attempt to achieve something;), along with my fellow recovery soldiers, is to grow spiritually each day. Our weapons: AA & the 12-Steps -- all guided by our own interpreation of an Higher Power.

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful 4:
* A solution that is spiritual, little did I know
* The ability to listen, read and write
* The happiness I feel today -- that I can feel sad and still continue to walk
* Boot Camp, Session 2
* My beau, 4 cats and Dog (and that she is not having diarrhea anymore, poor mommas)
* My mom and my brother -- my Big Book my brother bought for me at my first AA meeting
* Laughter, Laughter, Laughter
* The fellowship Live and onLine.
* That I have a God to my understanding today

Friday, April 14, 2006

Sober Casting 4 the 21st Century

I am so grateful that I have come accross this healthy entity of onLine recovery. Back in the day when Bill and Dr. Bob were giving the message away I bet they never would have imagined this (us, here, right now). Now, I am not suggeting that this replace the meetings of AA, the 12 steps and all that jazz (that which allows us to walk our own defined spiritual journey), I am expressing how exciting it is to be a part of this "sobriety society" thanx dAAve. There is absolute no such replacement for the human interaction of one alcoholic speaking to another.

The Recovery forums allows us to journal and share our experience, strength and hope in a "different" way. I did not write about all that mumble jumble stuff in my head until I became willing in these blog forums. I saw you get honest; I wanted this! I saw you on a bad day but you continued to walk; I wanted this! I saw you support each other; I wanted this! I saw you made each other laugh; I wanted this! I saw your gratitude towards life; and yes, I wanted this too!

I am so fortunate that my career involves technology. When I am at work I am able to get plugged into Alcoholics Anonymous. Sometimes I give myself a break and play jazz or, um, my "Just a Kid" playlist. But I am usually surfing on XA Speakers downloading a QT audio file to feed my mind. Today I discovered that there is a Recovery Podcast of Joe and Charlie and a few other step studies on iTunes. SAWEEEET! I have recovery at my finger tips, it is ubiquitous.

And with that, I decided to put my alcoholic 2 sense in. Ha!

tonight i am thAAnkful & grAAteful 4:
* HNT and all the laughs I got
* That feeling of eupohoria I get from laughter
* All the new people that stop by my blog and express a reaction
* The rain pouring outside -- listening to the rain drops dance on the ground
* Alice, my sober sister that I truly feel God wanted me to meet. I will save this story for another day.
* The 3rd Step prayer and prayer alone.
* That I am working on my meditation, trusting it is a process to my spiritual growth

* Joe and Charlie Big Book Study
* That is fridAAy and I am looking forward to waking up early and hanging out at bean Town with Mitch
* For all the recovery onLine and how each day I look forward to learning from you and about you. :)

Thursday, April 13, 2006

hAAppy half-nAAked Thursday

Because I am sober & have God I get to experience Love; I get feel wonderful things; I get to live in a colorful World; I get to Live Each Day with Gratitude.

Check out more sober peeps HNT

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

No More Morning Burdens

Mitch must have forgotten about my dentist appointment this morning at 8:50 am. Each morning I leave for work at 6:45 am. He comes barging in our room, turns the lights on and in a panick wakes me up. He says I am late to work. I giggled and calmed him and reminded him why I was in bed still.

This use to happen all the time back in the "Dark Days!" Still drunk from the night before Mitch would have to baby sit me out of bed so I could get ready for work. He would start the shower, turn the lights on and help me get ready. We were both so sick even though he did not drink. I remember how hard it would be to open my eyes, head pounding, dry throat, quick breaths - this was only the physical part. The mental part would soon follow. Shame and guilt would take me, it rested heavily on my shoulders. Panic would set in; what did I say, did I leave any food in my stomach; did I email anyone? The remedy to my state at that time was not God, it was a bottle of Rum. Yes indeed that would carry me through each day, each hour, each minute.

Today I can wake up on my own and enjoy the beautiful mornings. I wake up owning no such burden of shame and guilt from the day before. I can look into the mirror and see a life that is no longer lifeless. I can breath, see, feel, hear and touch life, it is ALL around me. I am blessed for each new day. I am blessed to know that I am a child of God as are you.

todAAy I am grAAteful and thAAnkful 4:
* My Mr. Incredible Mitch and that I do not mistake Mitch for being my God
* That I can admit I am powerless over my life, just for today
* My dental insurance, root canal and the pain today that could help me to make better decisions about the sweets I put in my mouth. Ok, in all honesty I am not sure if I can give up sweets. Like an active alcoholic, the pain and "low end" consequences (my life is not on the line, my teeth are however -- this is my sick mind speaking) are acceptable. I am not ready to give up sugar or sweets. I know am powerless though.
* I am tahnkful that I still have all my teeth given 11 years of bulimia and the acid
* My memory of pain as an alcoholic, may God allow me to keep this
* The iChat I just got right now from my sober sister Alexis. She is so special to me . I met her at Casa. She was one of the first women I allowed to see my truth, the entire me.
* The new bloggers I am meeting that struggle with food as I do.
* Humility. I posted earlier today on Coffee Bitch's post about how I thought I was better than God and was gonna find a smarter way to get sober. HAHAHAHAHA, what a FOOL I was.
* I am grateful and thankful for this onLine recovery energy! I read everybody's posts, and you are so beautiful. You may be in a funk or on a cloud, but you are still walking in the Spirit of the Light. Thank you for being here.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

So many gifts in Sobriety

I love this gift of sobriety. Today I got to spend most of my day participating in an event called orienteering. I have avoided this because I am horrible with directions and the challenge is quite physical. My avoidance has been based on fear; fear of learning something new; fear of getting lost; fear of boredom; fear of competing with others; fear of not meeting my own expectations.

All my fears proved to be wrong! I was willing (thank you AA) to take myself out of my comfort zone and accept something new. I did not allow my expectations to consume me. The result, I gave myself permission to have fun, to learn the art of orienteering and explore God's gift of nature. Along with Eric (my teacher for today) and Mitch, we walked, hiked, and climed the land around Griffith Park completeing 2 courses!

Today I walked away with an experience. AA allows me to be a part of something, to have purpose in life. I am inspired to live life with gratitude and serenity everyday by those walking the spiritual path. I am discovering similar gifts by being a part of the Elite Fiteness Program. There are individuals there that are beautiful, and do these activities because it promotes a mental and physical healthy life style.

The bottom line, last year at this time I could not do this. The bottle would call to me, tell me I need no one but it. It was very selfish as I was selfish with it. I was living but not alive. Today, I am A-L-I-V-E.

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful:
* The gift of sobriety
* Eric, a wonderful man, and his ambition to help others; Elite Fitness Activities
* Mitch and his little comment that was so cute today, "are you thinking?" as I blurted out something after silence -- what an Al-Anon. I love him so.
* My old lady friend Olive -- had her 6 month comprehensive exam and has a clean bill of health.
* Our 4 cats, despite Asia having poop on her but and dragging it on the bed. LOL, gotta love um.
* The desire to not to alone (most of the time)
* My experiences at Casa and the life long friends I have met there.
* Ed's meeting and the wonderul recovery there
* Candles and how they illuminate my evenings
* My health
* All the recovery onLine. You inspire me to live each day in completeness.

A few weeks ago I asked God to enter my soul, again. I prayed for His presence in all my affairs. I am grateful to God for loving me each day; Him loving me for being human. I am grateful that my God never stops loving me even when I forget to love myself.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

hAAppy 16 yeAAr birthdAAy Trudge!

hAAppy birthdAAy Trudging !!! Eat up before it's gone!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Obsession comes in many shapes

I have been reading other blogs that deal with some of the behaviors that I have acted upon: Bulimia and Self-Injury. It hurts my heart to read where some of these women are. Many are active in their obsession and are so lost. They are screaming for a solution and have yet to discover it. I remember that pain. The shame and guilt all borne from the secrets. How could I dare let anyone know who I was? How could anyone love this person that did these things with food, sharp objects and of course, alcohol?

These women continue to fight. Though they do not know this yet, they are showing tremendous courage by writing about it. It took me so long to blurp out the acts I did, alone. The first time I announced I was an alcoholic was at my first AA meeting of 400 people. They asked those who were new or had 30 days or less stand and state what and who you are. How Cruel I thought. I believed that I would get kicked out if I did not do this. My voice cracked as I fought the tears and forced the words out loud.

Today is different, and I don't own the shame. I don't lie in a bed of self pity. I have God and the fellowship, it's not just me anymore. What a relief! HA! I am thankful to God that I can still remember those horrible feelings. They will keep me close to Him and His children.

I visit some of these women hoping to spark an ounce of hope, hoping they will continue to reach out . . .

todaAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful 4:
* A spiritual solution
* My physical strength and all 5 senses
* Funks
* Mitch, Our Babies, my mom and brother
* The Rain and how it cleanses everything
* My dental insurance
* All the onLine recovering Peeps - Honesty and courage through others
* Chocolate, especially dark. I am totally powerless over it daily :)

*** 296 Days Sober
*** 6 months 2-DAY ABSTINENT from bulimia

Monday, April 03, 2006

The Truth

Getting back to the routine here on Monday. I am so refreshed from taking this past Thursday and Friday. I was not very productive and you know, I am not housing guilt because of it.

I was suppose to do my 4th step yesterday and meet my sponsor at her office at 2:00 pm. All morning I pondered what little white lie I can tell her to get out of it. I did not have it done. My time management was not structured resulting in an incomplete 4th step. In my head I did not define my future action as a "lie." I was just trying to be clever about my approach -- Ya Right!

It never occured to me to just tell her the truth -- I got caught up in doing nothing these past 4 days and have not completed my 4th hence am not ready. I sent an email and somehow I wrote truthfully about the status of my 4th. Then we spoke on the phone shortly after and everything is ok. I did not "have" to be dishonest, there was no reason. So why the idea to think that I needed to lie? I do not fear my 4th step, I am actaully looking forward to, as one sober sister put it, "getting the poison out." There is fear there, only it is in my word of not being ready, suited up and present. It is failure to complete an action on my part. I do not want to disappoint her. However I realize the disappointment lies in how I handle the situation. I had the choice to accept my failure or deny it by lying (of course only I would know and I DO NOT want to shelter this behavior). Acceptance is my responsibility and allows me to be human.

"We finally saw that the inventory should be ours, not the other man's. So we admitted our wrongs honestly and became willing to set these matters straight."
April 3rd, Daily Reflections

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Rainy Day but not on my soul

I slept all night on of the windows open so I can hear the rain fall during my dreams. It is raining again this morning, have my coffee here, my animals are roaming about and I have a clear conscious. I feel so much love around me.

We went to Crossfit last night and every body part is so sore. I love Eric's motivation and everyone who was there to benefit their health. My ideas about training in the gym have totally changed -- no more weight lifting or using the cardio machines. I cannot measure my level of fitness and have come to the realization how weak my core is. The willingness to change my ideas and walk through the fear of a "different" type of physical fitness program than the one I only knew is a result of the being in the program. Before it would be my way is the only way. Ha!

todAAy i am thankful and grateful 4:
* God's love and grace
* Being Teachable and being wrong

* Being a woman, my height and my freckles
* The beautiful rainfall
* Bootcamp
* My health and ability to have all body parts functioning
* Hope and those who have walked the path before me
* Budda, Asia, Boo Bear, Nic and Olive
* Mitch and that feeling I get when I see him smile
* Sadness so I can appreciate when I am happy
* All the onLine blogging recovery PEEPS!