Sober Chick

Here are the unleashed pages of a sober chick in recovery. My journey (date of sobriety) began on June 13th, 2005. For 29 years of my life I was spiritually sick. Emotinally defeated by drunken black-outs, bulimic binging and purging episodes and self-mutilation, I finally surrendered.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Is Charlie Brown one of us?

I love Peanuts cartoons. I have come to the conclusion that Charlie Brown is one of us. He is determined and stubborn but consumed by anxiety and his shortcomings. He has many moments of disappointments and despair crying out "RATS!" When astonished or dismayed he yelps out "Good Grief." All he wants is to discover the meaning of life, perhaps a purpose? Nevertheless, I love Charlie Brown. He has a good heart.

Ok, I finally have time to do stuff I want to do. Work is crazy, but I am loving it. Production at my day job is almost over. Yay! My freelance gig, l that I am contracted with is now in shipping some of the packaging I have created. I am soooo excited. I got some samples of the product line last night. My career is evolving, and the fellowship is helping me to allow for this process.

Today I get to enjoy what I do, and being sober allows for me to allocate my time to being a part of life. I am not so obsessed with getting to the end goal, rather I am enjoying the JOURNEY getting there. I am learning to lower my expectations, and the results are beyond my prediction. The results are wonderful when I do not try to control them.

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful:
- to see Gale take a 1 year cake Friday night. We were in the house together last year. She is one of the handful that is getting this today.
- the friendship of trudging buddies Mel and Alexis. I love my sober sisters.
- for Kelly's response back to me on iChat.
- Air conditioning
- The courage to tell someone the truth about her self pity bout.
- Mr. Incredible and for our growth recently.
- Hearing an awe-inspiring message from Sue at Crwon City; that her story touched my soul; that I do not fear tearing up during a meeting.
- for the 202 club having AA marathons all day tomorrow
- 349 consistant days of sobriety
- 204 days abstinant from bulimia
- that I am back blogging and get to catch up on everyone's recovery.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

hAAppy HNT - I see me

hAAppy HNT!

Today I can look into the mirror and ACCEPT the reflection looking back at me. Today I can LIVE IN THE MOMENT -- my photography helps me with this. A picture captures a heartbeat in time. It is a reflection, a little piece of life timeline. This little piece has many other pieces. Each piece is very important. Together they string a unit. We are all a unit in life. We need each other to allow for the string to exist. Sometimes our strings snap, but we can become a "part of" the line again, it is always there.

My life is filled with completeness, just for today. Although I am not where I want to be, I am not where I was. I can live in today and not fear things that "could be."

We are in production of an annual catalog event at work. I am pulling in a lot of hours. In addition I have a client that returned back into the country -- hence am working on launching one of my packaging designs. Because I am sober and abstinant from bulimia, my life does not revolve around it. I use to plan everything around my drink and food BPs (binge/purges). Today, I have time . . .

Check out some of my packaging layouts coming out: Here and Here.

I will catch up on everyone's blogs this weekend. I look forward to this. Today I am grateful for your presence in my recovery, for sharing love and support, and for suiting and showing up, no matter how much it hurts sometimes.

It's GREAT to be Alive!

Saturday, May 13, 2006

There are no coincidences here!

During the first month or so after asking someone to be my sponsor I felt I knew what was best for me. I was thinking of getting a new one. Why? Because I thought I knew the correct way that I should be sponsored. Her way was not my way. Needless to say I had lots of humility to experience. Wasn't it my best thinking that got me to Alcoholics Anonymous in the first place?

My GOD truly is working miracles in my life. Sometimes I feel sad, hurt, angry etc. This is OK. My negative emotions are not an indication of my progression, or more so the LACK OF progression. I can hurt, I can cry, I can feel like Poop, and I can still grow spiritually.

Drinking and bulimia took a lot of maintenence every day, every hour and every minute. My participation of these behaviors are symptoms of my disease -- a sick spirit. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonynous does not teach me how to "not drink." It teaches me how to live in the solution, it teaches me how to decompress the EGO so I can live life on life's terms, it shows me how to grow closer to the God of my understanding. Just as I needed to do things to maintain my bulimia and alcoholism, I need to do things to maintain my the sobriety and abstinance from bulimia. My soul needs spiritual medicine.

Yesterday my emotions were off. I was in an EXTEME funk. Action Action Action!!! I picked up my little sober sister and went to a meeting. Ahhh, some relief from self. I woke up and made it to Sunrise this morning. I sat next to a Casa girl (19 days thus far for her, no coincidence here huh?!?) -- she rose her hand and shared. She is so broken she could barely complete a sentence without tears. I got to express some unconditional love towards her. I got to be out of myself. As the meeting continued I got to see her tears turn to laughter. What a miracle to see.

After, I met with my sponsor and we had an astonishing spiritual moment. More release from self. I am thankful that I did not get in God's way early in my recovery and act upon my "OWN PLAN OF RECOVERY."

todAAy i have grAAtitude 4:
*** sponsorship
*** the courage to share my intimate pain with my sponsor.
*** that I can trust, get hurt, and trust again
*** the power discovered of one alcoholic working with another alcoholic
*** Humility
*** the time spent with Alexis last night at Crown City.
*** Old Timers and their message
*** the Newcomer
*** that I got to see Fin take a 6 month chip. I pray that she gets it this time.
*** this is a program NOT of self-pity
*** that I am in love today with a wonderful man; that our relationship has areas of imperfection; that imperfection is ok
*** my Mom's love & Aunt Ona's love & support
*** for you reading my post right now ;) & your support

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Hi-5 2 5 senses

I have been really busy with work events hence my lack of blogging this week. I have some great pics for HNT but was not able to get them up on time. There is always next week. :)

My blood is rushing right now because I just disccovered HCJ has a new addition to his resume. I am downloading Harry On Broadway Act I right now. His voice, I tell you, can take me to a new level. It is divine vocalization.

There are certain things that can take me to a place that is pure delight. My senses help me to do this. Today I am taking on my grAAtitude list a little differently.

todAAy i am thAAknful & grAAteful 4:

SOUND - I love Jazz. It stems from watching Peanuts cartoons, Loony Tunes, the Smurfs, etc. as a child. Harry helps me with this. Listening to Harry Connick Jr's voice is like taking a breath of fresh air in. Pure refreshment. It's like butter!
What is your favorite sound?

SIGHT - To see my Mom smile automatically brings a smile to my face. My mom has these beautiful natural teeth that just illuminate when she smiles.
What is your favorite visual experience?
(Let's keep it clean, LOL)

TOUCH - I love petting my animals. Their fur brings a comfort to my soul. My dog is very soft, as if she never lost her puppy fur.
What do you appreciate about your sense of touch?

SMELL - Pumpkin, breathing it in puts color in my soul. It makes me feel bright, safe and like a child excited about the Holidays.
What is your favorite smell?

TASTE - Dark Chocolate. Need I say more?
What is tantilizing to your tastebuds?

This is short but I wanted to get some gratitude out there. I am curious to know your responses. I have visited only half of you today and will conitunue to do so later on this evening. Thanks for being here.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

I can give Love!

I made a little movie about my babies. We had Asia & Budda since they were a week old. We got to bottle feed them and nurture them. A few days after we got them, I woke up in a panic, I knew something was wrong. Asia was meowing in their crate as if trying to alert me of Budda. I discovered Budda was in labored breathing. I picked her little body up, so listless and cold. I took her to TLC (e-clinic), they placed an IV catheter and put her in the oxygen tank. Dr. Munson was truthful and told me most likely she would not make it. She was so little and not stable. She had fluid in her lungs, not good even for a healthy adult cat.

That was the first day I started my new job (where I work today). I still was sick and very active in my drinking. I had no God or any knowledge of program at the time. I was struggling at trying to get this sober thing right all by myself. I began to realize that I could not stop, I wanted to from the all my heart and soul, but, you know how it is. I did not want to loose Mitch, another job (I was fired a few months before from a great job for my alcoholic behavior), my animals, you know, all those things that the drink will take away. Least to say I was a mess.

Three days later Budda pulled through and we got to take her home. Today she is the most sensitive & submissive of all our animals -- strange given the fight she had at such a young age. Since then I have taken on 2 more kittens, Hope & Tank, built a website of the experience and found them homes. The experience was easier because I was in program (thank you God for sponsorship), and had Faith in God. I miss them and wanted so badly to keep them but I had to LET GO -- my love is not the only love.

Ok, I just wanted to share a little of my World with you, now on to my gratitude list:

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful:
- to see April take her year cake at Crown on Friday night & to be a part of the beautiful group of women that gave her the cake
- for Alexis, to be growing closer to her, to be able to tell her all of my secrets, to love and be loved by her unconditionally, to see her grow in her program
- that although I changed careers, I am so blessed that I have the knowledge and experience in veterinary medicine enough -- I really miss that environment
- for Mel's initiative towards creating the SIA meeting, for Mel's friendship
- for the Newcomer to the SIA meeting on Saturday and her courage to find recovery towards her self injury and eating disorder
- my email I got from newcomer blogger Leela, thank you for your courage
- that I know my mood is now due to pre-PMS :) -- SUCKS!
- that I am powerless over my period and activity of my ovaries, Blah!
- CC Deville, I get goosebumps and HOPE watching him in the SuREAL Life. I hope he gets it, I pray that he gets it.
- for all the recovery support, here in California and onLine

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

So sleepy but it is a sober morning ;) Happy HNT!!!

Sometimes it is difficult to wake up each day, Monday thru Friday at 5:00 am to get to work on time. But, I still have gratitude b-CUZ:

- I GET to wake up sober, mind, body and soul
- I GET to go to a wonderful job
- I GET to start a new day
- I GET to smile and laugh
- I GET to grow, even if I stinks at the time
- I GET to feel the wonderful HOT water during my morning showers . . .

These are but a few of the things I GET to do because I am sober. See more of my sober friends RIGHT HERE ;)

Monday, May 01, 2006

A quick list 4 today . . .

Tonight is the Eve of my natal B-Day. I took the day off of work and decided to take tomorrow off as well. I have been working on my portfolio, content to be home, enjoying having my animals around. I am pooped, just came back from Boot Camp -- I gave it my all, I was mentally there. I will ice my knee and eat Baja Fresh with no guilt about how many calories I am putting into my body. I feel wonderful.

I am ever so thAAnkful & grAAteful:
- for the small World of Recovery. My dear sober sister is Alice is discovering love. Her new love, I discovered, has 25 years in the program, is a professor at one of the colleges Mitch teaches at and is a dear friend of one of my biggest artistic mentors, C. Heinz.
- that I accept how God painted my body -- which my Boot Camp instructor complimented and called me a cookie face tonight.
- that I will have God in my life as I enter my 30s
- that my sponsor and her hubby sat next to me this weekend at Sunrise and I just love to see her smile. She smiles during the entire meeting, she is so darn cute!
- talking to my Mom on the phone today and hearing her voice
- all the sleep I got this weekend and my nap today
- that Mitch & I appreciate nature and spent the morning yesterday at the Hunington Park. Take a look at the beautiful pictures!

Our trip to the Hunington

I am sleepy and need to listen to my body. Good Night Yall, see you 2-mollies ;)