Hidden Miracles: Lady in the Water

This movie is so beautiful. M. Night Shyamalan has such a unique angle at telling a story. The movie is full of life, encouraging the concept that every single human has a purpose -- many do not know their purpose however. It is funny where you discover heros that will save lives. They do not live in the media, or live a glamorous life -- some even have lived through immense pain that affect them silently today. Each person so beautiful, each so precious. I see such in the Fellowship . . .

todAAy i am grAAteful:
- being a child of God
- spending time Friday night w my sober sister Mel
- seeing Mel's sponsor take a cake
- attending a new double winners meeting (new to me)
- the soooo many laughs I had at dinner with my mom, brother, his fiance, Mitch and myself
- spending time with Mitch's dad and Mitch on Sunday
- the growth Mitch and I are going through
- to be madly in love with someone -- all of someone
- that Monday is over
- Y O U :)

hAAppy 1 yeAAr Rex

Birthdays are happening everywhere! It is the miracles of God and the Fellowship. Makes me feel so wonderful inside.
Today Rex celebrates her 1st year of sobriety! Thank you Rex for sharing your growth with us and looking deep within to remedy your internal battles. Please, drop by and celebrate Rex's 365 days of continuous sobriety.

My Mom's 50th Birthday!

Today is my Mom's 50th birhtday. My parents were babies when I was borne. My dad barely 16 years old. I have so many colorful memories as a child, both painful and joyous.

Today I am so grateful for the relationship my Mom and I have today. We still are growing, but honestly, last year at this time I was crying in meetings realzing how much resent I have built towards my Mom because of all those things that I felt she was NOT. My Mom is not of the nurturing kind, and had her days with drugs and co-dependancy. My brother and I went with 2 absent parents growing up -- my mom being forced to work to raise us. I love my Mom for all of this today. The Fellowship has allowed me to abandon my resentment and see my part. Today, I really love my Mom for all she has been and is.

todAAy i am grAAteful and thAAnkful:
- I am sober for today, the bonus being that my Mom gets to see me as such and embrace God
- Having a Mom that did/does her best
- I have my Mom's nose
- the growing pains Mitch & I experienced yesterday
- for MC's 22 year anniverssary yesterday (and MY GOODNESS, what a SOBER PARTY, you are so loved :)!!!
- Christmas music
- Candles
- Mel D
- Colors of the rainblow
- Tomorrow Rex will be 1
- This kick BUTT recovering blogging community and how everyone is here for everyone!!!

hAAppy birthdAAy Mary Christine

Today marks 22 years of continuous sobriety of the lovely Mary Christine. If you have not yet, stop by to congratulate her. Happy Birthday beautiful woman, thank you for being here! I Love you!!!

My 1st Letter to God

Tonight I came across my written work I did while at Casa. I remember MC posting something about her reflecting on her self discovery thru writing during the beginning of her recovery by reading her journals. It has only been a year since, nonetheless I am very grateful I saved these journals, and will continue to save them to ponder at the one of the most significant events in my life which gave me life . . .

Dear God,

I hear glorius things about you and that you work miracles. People that I love hold you so close to thier hearts. There are churches, ministers, pastors, and so many more that hold as your messengers. I hear words of worship and thanks -- for you have saved the lives of people by spiritually existing in their souls. If you are so great, greater than myself, why am I so spiritually blocked to feel you? The concept of you to exist in my soul I have rejected for years. I no longer want to have my soul untouched by you. I am inviting you into my being. Please show me you are walking with me, along my path. Please help me to completely surrender and feel you in my soul. For the first time in my life, I am willing, and I can see I am not alone . . .

Christina
June 2005

I am a spiritually sick person. My disease is harbored by my process of thought. It is deseperate as I was once, and will forever manifest into something new -- if not alcoholISM then self injury, bulimia or perhaps some other quick fix yet for me to venture onto. I am a warrior fighting a beast that will not remain dormant. This battle is not exclusively combatted alone . . . I am among spiritual heros that borne "Hope" and promise of internal freedom . . .

For the first time last night I heard of an AA member having 2 sponsors, a food sponsor and an AA sponsor. I pray for the willingness to allow God to sieze my soul again, for I am picking and choosing what to give him in this moment in my life . . . "release me from the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy Will . . . "

maintaining grAAtitude:
- GOD's constant love
- a serene morning with Mitch & espicially opening up to continuous laughter
- God intervening yesterday leading us to seats at Crown City
- Kathy's experience, strength and hope last nite
- Alexis and Mel, the women I hope to continue trudjing with
- Saying YES to lead the Crown City speaker meeting in 2 weeks
- Women's Stags
- Air Conditioning
- That my grandma's dog is doing great on her new diabetic insulin injections, gained 2 pounds and is not urinating inappropriately (wt loss and such do to untreated diatbetic condition)
- My hug from Laury last night at Casa
- Gay men and how 99% make me giggle at their silliness
- That my mom is turning 50 on Tuesday and I will be sober for her birthday :) (God keep me)
- But of course, all my sober peeps showing me how to do this all!

hAAppy hAAppy hAAppy!!!

*****hAAppy hAAlf nAAked thursdAAy******

I love laughing, and I seem to be getting a strong dose of it lately. I must say I am so grateful to work in a place where my supervisor and a few others know I am in recovery and support me. Example, Sam sits at the far end of the office that occupies me and 3 other project developers. Toby and I sit on the opposite end of Sam & Bruce. Sam & Toby have a football that gets launched across the room frequently. This football was missing for a while. It was found. Many times it hits the wall, and many times Sam likes to think he is going for the Super Bowl winning touch down being filmed on TV with zillions watching him -- he is so dramatic! I Absolutely Love It!!!!

I do have some struggles I am walking thru today but I must say I still embrace each blessing that crosses my path. I live in color today and how vibrant it can be when I allow it to shine on my soul. Do you see you are a part of my colorful World? I sure hope so.

Come and visit some more colorful recovery family members HERE!

Dz of Perception; Still in God's Workshop!

Yee-Ha! Whaataaa, it's time like this when sober action rocks!!! Ieeeeeeeee-yA!

We are people that simply cannot "think" ourselves right. Our actions prove to be the key to change our perception. That perception has driven me time and time again to seek something -- the default has been with alcohol, food and cutting. However at the age of 29 I discovered something greater than these, something greater than myself . . . slowly my sick perception has begun to change. I am still in God's workshop however . . .

I look into the mirror and can get completely overwhelmed by all the imperfections I see. I have to work so hard to change these negative illusions that I have allowed to define my existance. I can look at others and appreciate their completeness, each physical characteristic elegantly placed that makes them so beautiful. Why do I struggle so much with my own delusional state I see in that mirror?

Because I am self absorbed . . . I am not giving up, I fight so I won't have to fight.

Friday night I spent the evening in a new AA meeting. I picked up 2 of my sober sisters and off we went. We all laughed so much, allowing our souls to heal. The meeting itself was so powerful, there were a few there that were so close to drinking that night, but attended the meeting instead. Thank you GOD for this Fellowship. Thank you for the newcomer.

i embrAAce grAAtitude as such:

~ the SIA meeting Saturday morning
~ Women's stag on Sunday, and the strong sobriety there.
~ The newcomer at the Women's Stag on Sunday and her newfound discovery of being a part of
~ Judy H, Alice & April
~ Mel & Alexis: for teaching me how to be a friend, allowing trust with each other and that I can get completely honest with them
~ the chair commitment I got for tomorrow's OA meeting
~ Mitch and our growth together
~ Olive, Boo Bear, Asia, Budda & Nicodemus
~ the telephone conversation with my Mom today
~ the email I got of congrats on my sober birthday from my grandparents in Arizona (my dad's parents, my dad is still out there lost)
~ email conversations from my fellow blogging peeps Scott & Diego.
~ this program is of spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection
~ my slip of the bulimia, that I know only strength will be borne from the BP rituals
~ This blogging community that has grown since I have been here.

*** 1 year and just over 1 month of sobriety***

Miracles

hAAppy HNT to all.

It is amazing when I ask God for His guidance He comes thru and I think His Angels are working OT around some open wounds in my soul. I went to a new meeting on Tuesday, was about to leave after waiting and seeing no one was around. This is when the magic started . . .

I started to walk back to my truck when this woman popped her head out of her car. She had a welcoming smile, I asked her if she was here for the meeting. Thank you Laury, my new friend. "L" has 7 years of sobriety and that was her first OA meeting ever. Coincidence, NO WAY. We were suppose to meet at that very moment. I also met another person relapsing back to the BPs. Our struggles at this time are parallel. We exchange #s.

So last night a resentment came on stronger than ever. It wanted to take me out. I somehow managed to get out of myself "falsely" by shopping. I called a few sober sisters but all were out and about. Well, I am asking God here for some guidance. Alexis called me back while I was in the store, and she was on her way to the AA meeting at the Women's club. I was too (but was early so took a detour to my fav girlie cloth store -- yah, shopping another addiction).

We both have not been to the meeting at the Women's Club in eons. Somehow we both we suppose to be there, and I needed to see her. The speaker was great, I had a hard time staying out of my head but heard exactly what I needed to, honestly, I did. Then I got to see the smile of my new friend I met at the OA meeting struggling with bulimia too.

In addition to all this I have been getting emails from some of my cyber recovery friends and am so grateful for this.

todAAy i am thAAnkful n grAAteful:
- Gods Blessings
- the Fellowships
- this Chapter in my life, and the struggles that I am encountering today
- Hope
- emails from Alcoholic Brain, Teachable Alcoholic, Christine & Butterflygirl
- my Lady sponsor
- Alice, Alexis, Mel & April
- sobriety
- Mitch and our furballs
- venti black eye from Starbucks
- girls nite out tomorrow and our venture to a new AA meeting in Atwater

****And All Your Comments and Support Left Upon My Last Post. You Are So Special To My Recovery.*****

Still Grateful

Hi Everyone. I am checking in, missing you all. I finally have some time to sit and catch up on everyone's beautiful life, little by little. I have been so busy with work, my freelance client and personal transitions.

My brother had an engagement party this Saturday. His fiance's parents hosted it. They are BIG DRINKERS. There was alcohol at every corner I glanced. I was very comfortable to be around the bottles with no obsession to consume the poison. There were a handful of us sober, my mom's family in particalar -- well except my mom, LOL. My mom is very cute, and I had a fun time with her even if she was "silly." It was halrious to be ok in my skin and be around intoxicated family? Strange but my face hurt from laughing so much as the night progressed. We danced, screamed, let loose, and boogied. I was up until 11:30 pm, that is late for this lady.

Ok, I am not ready to "oust" myself as my dear sober sister would confess but I will admit this -- I am struggling with my food patterns. It is very odd, almost as if I am welcoming this deciet back into my life again. I am not sad, nor feel a slave to it. At this time I am buying into the belief that I have ultimate control over this. In simple words, I took back my Will from God. I ask for his forgiveness every day, I ask that he bears with me while I once again begin a new battle with the BPs.

My sponsor was the first one I told, I was not ready to let out my secret or time when this took place, to some point I still feel this. She is so gentle, and I am forever grateful that I have allowed myself to trust her. I have a sober sister that I trust with all of my darkness, telling her and the SIA Saturday group I attend . . . I am letting go of this little by little.

I am selfish, and want to keep this part of my Dz that can kill me just as alcohol. I know the truth of it, the progression, the spiritual malody, the resent . . . I need to expose myself to OA at this time and get involved again in this part of my recovery. I have strayed. I still am not ready to stop, to give it back to God. This is the honesty I will share with you at this time.

I have hope and do not bare that shame and guilt as I use to upon the last venture. I have people who love me unconditionally and do not feel as if I am mutant. Tonight I am heading to Las Encinas for the OA meeting. At this time I am willing, willing to see the miracles outside of myself.

2-dAAy I still have a genuine grAAtitude towards my sobriety. As for the bulimic rituals, I know the plan of action, it is just a matter of giving it ALL back to God. I am only giving bits and pieces, still hanging onto my Will. I will continue to fight, I know I have so much more beauty within to expose. Thanks for being here, and I miss you all!

SIA

The SIA meeting that my sober sister starter during Decemeber has grown. It started with only 2 to 3 of us. Now, there is a good group of attendees. Self Injury is very common amomg alcoholics and addicts. I am seeing it in adolesence, little babies not even 18 yet. They sit, head down, so broken and detached from life. They should be living the excitement of youth, of opportunity, of unconditional love. Instead they are lost, living without hope, trying to keep their head above the water -- trying to hard not to drown. This is how they stay alive, cutting is a way to confirm feelings, emotions and pain so intense the body must be sliced. We all know this, a method to take us out of self.

I have been sober longer than I have been abstinant from bulimia and self-injury. I have had slips of both during this first year of sobriety, but am aiming towards progress from all as a whole. What I know is that I do not feel so hopeless as I did when I was active in all 3. Today I have a head full of my make-up, and a Creator that is helping me escape this entrappment one day at a time.

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful:
- that this year, on the 4th of July, I have my freedom (I was in a recovery home last year)
- Mel D and the similarities (even if they are sick) that we share
- Mitch and all of our animals
- Animal Planet and the company of my hyper cat Asia, she luvs watching this with me
- the pink slip from Toyota to my truck -- it is mine now!
- the Holiday weekend
- that I am a woman
- my experiences
- the World of the Fellowship and God
- year 2 of sobriety
- all of You