update

I was able to see my friend/sister at the hospital Thursday night. It was really nerve wrecking, standing outside the door, anticipating what will happen after we (Alexis and I) walked in. M does not want to see anyone right now, she is very stubborn, angry and can be quite intimidating. Despite all my nervousness, earlier that day I made the decision to give it all up to God and trust what was suppose to happen.

God is magical.

It was difficult to see her, how her body has taken to the aggressive beating she has put it thru. She is so fragile, and beneath that hard layer of toughness she projects I know deep within she is fearful, loss, and desiring love. I did not cry for the sake that my falling apart would drain her. We stood for an hour, and I am blessed to have had that time with her.

Since then her condition is decreasing. That was the last night she has been coherant. They still cannot find the exact location of the infection in her heart, and now she has developed fluid around her heart. Yesterday they put a endo tube down her throat, sedating her for the purpose of breathing. Her kidneys are now being affected. She is in the ICU. I am going to see her shortly . . .

I am scared in so many ways. I am so grateful to I have the support of the people in program that have been in similiar situations and know the dark reality of this selfish disease.

Thank you God for my sponsor, her guidence and love at this time is so paramount. And for Alexis, that together we are learning to stay sober and trudge thru this time. "T", for his dedication and love for "M", I pray God that you keep him close and continue to fuel his strength at this time. For all the emails I have gotten and comments on my blog -- I am truly grateful for your support and words, they help fuel my passion for this program, more so, for You, God's children.

I thank God for my life, that I have been so blessed in a number of ways which I could not grasp 2 years ago. A new freedom, a new beginning, happening today despite this cloud of darkenss that lingers over. Thru the clouds there are pinholes of sum beams that are so powerful, I feel them shining on my soul.

From all of me, thank you for you love.