Still Grateful
Hi Everyone. I am checking in, missing you all. I finally have some time to sit and catch up on everyone's beautiful life, little by little. I have been so busy with work, my freelance client and personal transitions.My brother had an engagement party this Saturday. His fiance's parents hosted it. They are BIG DRINKERS. There was alcohol at every corner I glanced. I was very comfortable to be around the bottles with no obsession to consume the poison. There were a handful of us sober, my mom's family in particalar -- well except my mom, LOL. My mom is very cute, and I had a fun time with her even if she was "silly." It was halrious to be ok in my skin and be around intoxicated family? Strange but my face hurt from laughing so much as the night progressed. We danced, screamed, let loose, and boogied. I was up until 11:30 pm, that is late for this lady.
Ok, I am not ready to "oust" myself as my dear sober sister would confess but I will admit this -- I am struggling with my food patterns. It is very odd, almost as if I am welcoming this deciet back into my life again. I am not sad, nor feel a slave to it. At this time I am buying into the belief that I have ultimate control over this. In simple words, I took back my Will from God. I ask for his forgiveness every day, I ask that he bears with me while I once again begin a new battle with the BPs.
My sponsor was the first one I told, I was not ready to let out my secret or time when this took place, to some point I still feel this. She is so gentle, and I am forever grateful that I have allowed myself to trust her. I have a sober sister that I trust with all of my darkness, telling her and the SIA Saturday group I attend . . . I am letting go of this little by little.
I am selfish, and want to keep this part of my Dz that can kill me just as alcohol. I know the truth of it, the progression, the spiritual malody, the resent . . . I need to expose myself to OA at this time and get involved again in this part of my recovery. I have strayed. I still am not ready to stop, to give it back to God. This is the honesty I will share with you at this time.
I have hope and do not bare that shame and guilt as I use to upon the last venture. I have people who love me unconditionally and do not feel as if I am mutant. Tonight I am heading to Las Encinas for the OA meeting. At this time I am willing, willing to see the miracles outside of myself.
2-dAAy I still have a genuine grAAtitude towards my sobriety. As for the bulimic rituals, I know the plan of action, it is just a matter of giving it ALL back to God. I am only giving bits and pieces, still hanging onto my Will. I will continue to fight, I know I have so much more beauty within to expose. Thanks for being here, and I miss you all!
posted by Gooey Munster @ 7:42 PM
11 Comments:
Thank you for sharing. Your honesty (even anonymously on a blog) is something I envy. I find it hard to admit my faults and will lie at every turn to keep them hidden.
Sounds like you have a great sponsor.
Keep it up and BTW - Chris R on xa-speakers is great. I burned two copies just last week for my sponsor.
Mike
You are doing great. Hang in there. It sounds like you have a lot of support. I am starting to read more recovery literature online but have not been to a meeting for a long time.
Thanks for sharing. I have no ESH with this and can not even pretend to understand. I want to say something that is helpful but because of my lack of experience I will not.
How about a huge cyber hug (((((hug)))) and know your message is in my heart.
Sober Chick,((big huge cyber hugs!))
You deserve to forgive yourself and continue keepin on.I have been visiting you a long time,like other bloggers,I have gotten to know an astounding woman with a brilliant soul and heart..you keep working at what you need to do to stay well.
You have a hell of a lot of drive!
Thanks for sharing ~
This is definately a program of honesty.
God always forgives and He will always be there for you.
It is great to see a post.
Take care!
Thanks for sharing.....I've been where you are and I admire your courage to come back to the rooms of OA and share your truth....that is HUGE......take it one day at a time.......Love ya.
Please take care of yourself and don't let the guilt take a life of it's own. Guilt is never a positive, it always takes us places we don't need to be.
SC - no matter how far down the path you travel, whether it the AA path or the SIA path or the OA path... you are still the same distance from the ditch as everyone else on the path. You are doing the right thing, you are speaking honestly and openly. I see courage and strength and perseverence in you.
If you need someone to listen, I am here. Take gentle care sweet friend. Meg
And remember... I Put my hand in yours and together we can do what we could never do alone. No longer is there a sense of hopelessness, no longer must we each depend on our own unsteady willpower. we are all together now, reaching out our hands for a power and strength greater than ours and as we join hands we find love and understanding beyond our wildest dreams! (Rozanne's prayer from OA)
Chickie- glad ya had the time to post, was missing ya... You know I am right where you are, exactly... your read my post from Tues so ya know, thanks for your kind words. I will be prayin for you too, seems like this stuff never ends, huh?? Oh wait, it doesn't!
peace to you!
Stay the course. That razor's edge gets really sharp. Hang on to the WE of the program.
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