Chris R

I washed my truck yesterday at the coin wash. I pulled aside to detail my truck (cuz I am an alcoholic and no one can wash my truck as good as I can, still working on the defects). This man in his 40s on a bicycle came riding along. The area was secluded, blocked off from the main street. He pulled out a paper bag, bottle top exposed, and began to medicate himself. He did not care that he was being seen by those cleaning thier cars. His priority was that drink, to get it down as fast as he could.

I am no different from this man, I know that need. I found something beautiful. I pray to God that he will venture to the rooms of the Fellowship and begin his journey some day.

XA Speakers has the latest experience, strength and hope from Chris R. If you have the time, please listen to this passionate man. He is pure truth to offer.

today i am so grAAteful for my life and the continuos balance I am feeling lately.

Friends

Yesterday Mitch and I went to one of our good friend's wedding, WOW! He is a Jedi obssesor as we are and an oober geek like us! During the wedding the minister was speaking about Jesus and how Mark and Sarah asked for JC to be the center of their relationship. The commitment cerimony was so beautiful, I fought my tears back only because I did not want my make up to run. But seriously, I was feeling the serenity and power of two people commiting to one another touch my soul.

In my dark days I would be sooooooo pissed off that this minister would suggest any type of God-like idea to be the key, the center to their lives, marriage, and happiness. To me I felt the growth of my inner being on display with self yesterday as I have become to accept a God to my understanding. It is purely wonderful!

At the reception alcohol was EVERYWHERE. It was miraculous to say "no thank you" when offered a glass of some alcoholic beverage. It was nice to really be there for these friends that I love. Mark saw me at my worse and still loves me today and supports my sobriety as my other handful of "normie" friends do. There was no one there in program, but that was ok, I was there and so was my HP.

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful 4:
- Mark & Sarah's union with them and their HP, JC
- May & Mark C, and Shelle friendships and their love and support of me in recovery
- to not wake up with a hangover from the night before
- Mitch and all the laughter we can create together, I love him so much
- The balance that I am feeling all this past week and today
- my OCD being managable and not controling me
- The time spent today with Mitch & his dad (a late father's day)
- Our animals, and that Olive had a good time with her daddy when he took her down South to visit his friends
- That summer is here and I am cool with doing sober things, so many plans in the making
- All of you and the growth you offer through your blogging journals

hAAppy hAAlf nAAked thursdAAy

No longer do I live in darkness. Do you see the Light? Come walk with us and never again will you have walk blocked from the ~Light of the Spirit~

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful:
- for the humility felt when I made an oopsie at work
- that I get to start a new day tomorrow
- for the email recieved from CB
- that Summer is here
- plans 4 Girl's Night out at a new AA meeting this Friday
- Laguna Beach (am hooked on this junk)
- that Mitch is taking Olive down to the OC to Boys days out
- my friends that visit me here, hey that is You!

See More of Us Show Off Our Stuff HERE!

In year 2

I am dizzy from this weekend. Friday night at Crown City was comical but amazing. My family is quite a circus, but I am blessed that they are my family. I had 1 minute to jabber some non-sense. Before I spoke I kept asking God to speak through me. As I got up to the podium the words were guided by my HP, truly amazing! I felt it.

My homegroup gave me a 1 year medallion. I put it in the beautiful heart shaped silver holder my brother and his fiance gave me. Inscribed on it: "2006, 1 yr. Sober Brat." My mom got me this beautiful silver jewerly case, inscribed it says "Christina, The quality of an individual is reflected in the standards they set for themselves. Love Mom. 6-16-06. This is big for my Mom to express her emotions to me. Life has made her really hard, her method of survival is not of the nurturing type. She gave me a rosary at the meeting, blessed with a prayer from her. This is HUGE!!! You see, anytime my mom would speak of God, all my life, I ended the conversation right there.

I had to seek God through a hopeless state of mind. My family could not teach me God. I could not find him in a book. I am forever grateful to the Fellowship for helping me find my Higher Power, God. Now I need to work on getting the roles straight, I do mix his job and mine.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to all you Daddies!

2dAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful:
- the energy of my sponsor
- Mel D's love of a sober sister
- to feel the presence of God in my life
- that I no longer fear the idea that I can never drink again safely
- for our new bed from my Mom
- Domo Kun
- Mitch, our 4 cats, Budda, Nic, Asia & Boo Bear & our old lady Olive
- My mom, bro, aunt Ona, Trish
- Coyote Ugly re-runs
- You!

Psst

Pssst, when you have a moment please drop in and say hello to Carla B. She has some good growth happening!

:)

God Shot this morning

I usually stop by Starbucks before getting on the freeway and going to work. There is this really nice woman that works there. As she was ringing me out she commented on my necklace and said she had one like the middle, the triangle. Turns out she got sober in 93. Isn't that cool, I love when I discover someone in the program that was right under my nose. God is awesome!

I am sooo tired. I think I am being a cake whore this week. I am blessed to be a part of the Fellowship, to have entered the rooms and stayed -- just for today. Alice gave me my first cake at Ed's meeting on Tuesday, then I went to Casa last night and had 2 sober sisters give me my cake. Tonight my family will be giving me this honor at the big Crown City meeting (this was my first AA meeting ever), and tomorrow morning will be my sponsor and more sober sistas at the Sunrise meeting!

I fell in love with your pain and your joy. Last night was a prime event. The speaker at the Women's Stag is such a miracle. Her story gives me hope to those so lost on the Earth (um, my Dad). Some of her wreackage include rape, killing a man, having her childen live in crack houses . . . She told her story and smiled so much when telling, getting lost in the NOW. Why? Her daughter and grandbaby were there -- because of the Fellowship and GOD she is able to be a mom today, and do God's Will. She is able to use her past and help those still suffering. She is able to live free from that life that once was. My heart hurts that she experienced such horrible events in her life. No one should ever be exposed to such ugliness, but these are actual events that happen today, and will continue to many lost souls -- so much pain, we just want to be a part of and loved unconditionally. God kept her, did not give up and I am thankful that her life was spared . . .

todAAy i am thAAnkful & so grAAteful:
- the speaker, C last night at Casa and for her willingness and courage to tell her story
- for ALL of your birthday wishes. I speak about our wonderful online recovery forums and encourage others to be a part of.
- for the 2 other annual birthdays celebrated last night -- and little Yvette, only 18 years old and taking a cake.
- Casa De Las Amigas: these grounds are sacred, God has blessed this place so women have a place to go, a place to call home. This is where I grew up, internally. It is my home forever.
- the God shot this morning
- for my animals, that their shanan-agons can put me back into the NOW!
- that you have told me to "Keep coming Back"
- that I get to see heros and miracles everyday in Alcoholics Anonymous
- Bill W & Dr. Bob -- that God used them to help so many (thank you men for listening)
- the Oxford Group
- for 2DAY!

b-cuz of u

I made it!!!

I am definite that there is absolutely no way that I could have made it, 365 consecutive sober days, in a row without this spiritual solution. The Fellowship introduced me to a God of my understanding, a Faith that my entire life I never trusted, never beleived, never FELT.

Because of you, I have life today; Because of you I am no longer alone in this battle; Because of you I fell in love with my life and yours; Because of you I am learning to turn it ALL over; Because of you I can cry and it is not out of self-pity; Because of you I laugh, giggle and smile so much; Because of you I bear no shame or guilt anymore; Because of you I am made accountable; Because of you I have 365 days 2 day and am going to continue to walk in the Light of the Spirit.

I made a birthday card for all of you, because today is just not my celebration. My journey is not done by self. I am a part of you, God's beautiful children.

2 dAAy I am grAAteful and thAAnkful that you are here, trudging the road to happy destinies and picking me up when I fall.

How u wanna look at it . . .

Depending on how you wanna look at it, today is the Day of my Last Drunk (God, please help me to keep this by giving it all to you) and/or the Eve of my 1st Sober Birthday. Last year, this day, I was living in darkeness. Trapped by the voices that haunted the spirit of my soul, I was lifeless but wanted life so desperately. Never could I phantom I would be at the place of inner peace and serenity I encompass today.

My weekend was beautiful! Saturday Mel and Alexis had a party to celebrate their natal birthdays. So many people were there, sober and clean, having a grand time. My fall was catastrophic last year this day. In fact, I had many, but this was the day that FEAR showed up and was ready to engulf my entire being. These people, many at the party, are the ones that have picked me up, loved me despite all of me, and helped to give me life. They continue to do this today.

todAAy I have grAAtitude and am thAAnkful:
- for all the Hugs at the party, real tight true Hugs.
- that I said yes, after saying no 3 times, to playing Twister
- to God for introducing me to so many of his children (that includes you bloggars too!!!!!)
- being madly in love with such an un-selfish giving person. A bonus to being sober!
- the phenomenal gift of Sobriety & the Fellowship
- 4 Hope
- the fun, after fighting it, building the CSS & HTML structure for the LotaBurger website
- my career blooming, a result of working the steps and sobriety
- that today I made the big payment to pay off my truck. Thank you Mitch for helping me do this! I love my little softtop Rav 4!

No Human Power . . .

Last night I heard a woman say that alcoholism saved her life in her teens. If she did not have alcohol, she would have been a teen suicide. I thought that was very interesting.

My grandma (my Dad's mom) recently took in my dad to live with while he attempted another life long attempt to get sober. He bailed. She does not have the knowledge of the disease the Big Book speaks about and is baffled by the simple idea "why can't my love save him?" I tried to explain to her that no love can save him, NO HUMAN POWER can save him. That is overwhelming to those family members affected by alcoholism. I remember begging my dad to please stop drinking one more time, I was 7. I am 30 now, and he is closer to death than ever. His death is slow, but I am powerless over it all. My love as a daughter cannot save him.

Last year I hit my Utimate broken state at this time, my denial crumbled, my truth revealed. I could not trust myself to not drink. The love of my family was not enough to keep me from daily drinking binges. I ask God that I never forget what that felt like, that I continue to be God conscious.

I am clear about step 1. I know that if I drink, I will die, maybe in a few months, maybe in a few years, but it is the exactness of my future. The rest of the steps are tools to help me get closer to this awe-inspiring Higher Power, God.

todAAy i am truly thAAnkful & grAAteful:
- Gratitude, Serenity, Humbleness & God -- these words are a part of my vocabulary 2day
- 2 give Mel a cake last night
- that Laury found her way back to Casa
- Jazz pumping delight into my ears
- the sober party 2-morrow to celebrate Mel & Alexis' natal birthdays
- I can screw up and admit my wrong doing
- 2 B in Love
- my animals, thier stubborness & the ability to laugh at it all
- to wake up sober, period!
- And *** hAAppy BirthdAAy JJ*** You are such a miracle!

"each day can be like a rose unfluring . . . some flowers will be more perfect than others . . . each stage of of the petals' unfolding can bring wonder and delight if I do not interfere or let my expectations override my acceptance."
DAILY REFLECTIONS p. 199

In the Light Again

"...we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others."
Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

The solution to my dilema yesterday is simple. I stepped away from Faith yesterday, not a big step that caused me to fall but I did stumble a little. I am able to gracefully step back into the light today -- oh and how it illuminates my soul.

Last night I went to bed at 7:00 p.m. I woke up only to pee throughout the night. I woke up at 5:15 a.m. to get ready for work. That's like 10 hours of sleep. WOWSERS! I don't hear voices in my head anymore, I can sleep with no TV or radio on in attempt to mask out my ludicrousness thoughts. I love the harmony of silence.

todAAy I embrace grAAtitude:
- that God will do for me what I cannot do for myself
- I can listen to my body and mind requesting sleep to refresh it. I can sleep not because I am exhausted from a drunken state or because of the BPs episodes.
- that Mel asked me to give her a cake this coming Thursday
- that my sober sister Alice's comedy stand up rocked the roof top and that she is falling in love with a member that happens to have 20 plus years under his belt. WOW!
- my Mom, for showing me what to do and what not to do
- that my little brother is finding peace and acceptance of our spiritually sick father
- Christmas Cartoons
- Dark Chocolate
- tomorrow I will have 7 months of abstinence from Bulimia
- You, I cannot do this alone and need spiritual mentorship from those trudging along with me :) Thank you.

A little out of place 2day

The worst I thought of my Grandma's dog is true, she is diabetic. This is not a death sentence but now there is a consideration of who is gonna give the insulin injections and who is going to continue to pay the vet bills. I can do so much, and feel as if I have opened a can of worms. Mitch and I sat yesterday and developed our budget, we are now buying the condo we live in and payments begin next month.

I am scared but excited. I live comfortably, and now have to be financially conscious over everything starting this month. Some of my spending habits are horrible. I know that I shop when I feel bad, and it is a quick fix that I have been working program on. I remember during the beginning of my sobriety I cried over shopping at one meeting when I shared -- today I know the right place to dump, with my sponsor and sober friends outside of the AA rooms, however my homegroup was so patient with me. One main reason I kept coming back!

So this weekend I put Chiquita on a wellness plan, she got vaccinated and had her stool tested. I am also paying for her to get a dental prophy, urinalysis, free office visits, etc (all under the Basic Wellness Plan). I also got her a box of Advantix. Now, I have 1 senior dog and 4 cats of my own -- my own obligations in addition to the new tight budget starting next month. I feel so HORRIBLE now, because I cannot afford to pay for all of Chiquita's medical bills -- the diabetic maintenence. In addition, I feel a resent has been forming. My cousin lives with my grandma. She is in her mid 30s, never has had a job, has no motivation to look for a job, is fearful of the world, blah blah blah. Enough of her inventory, I know she really is sick, and cannot blame her for not taking any efforts to help out my grandma financially. I love her and pray that she will discover some internal healing and courage. She really is a good person, but is a very lost soul.

I feel that this is a little life, and that by stating I cannot afford to pay for all of this does not make me wrong, but there is some part of me that feels hurtful (as if I need to find a way to take this on, to fund her medical bills). Nonetheless there are things in my life that I need to keep in order and be responsible. I need to discuss this one with my sponsor. One time she told me to stop fostering bottle fed kittens, that I needed to focus on my recovery plan and work with other alcoholics, not masking my fears of this by helping animals. I was so upset when she told me this, because she was Right.

I gotta pray about this and listen for God's direction.

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful:
- that God loves me even when I try to take His job over
- my sober sister's Mel's 1st year birthday today
- my sponsor
- that I am ok with not exercising for the past 2 weeks due to my work commitments (not feeling that consumed guilt)
- that next Tuesday, with God's grace, I will have 365 consecutive days of sobriety!!!
- Mr Incredible & his gift to me which allows me to pay off my truck 1 year early this week
- for the new bloggers, recoverygirll and teachable alcoholic.
- M&Ms and dark chocolate, a need each month 4 me and that need is right now!
- for everyone here that takes time out and read my post and supports my recovery.

not a SAD-turday :)

Ok, finally I get some time again to blog. It is so beautiful this morning. It is going to be HOT today. Already we have the air on starting at 7:30 am.

Today I am taking my grandma's dog to the Vet. She is about 9 years now, and within a few months she has lost lots of weight. She is also overdue for vaccines. She is very hyper and drinks lots of H2O. At first I thought she may be diabetic. However I am now leaning towards a hyperthyroidism -- don't mean to sound like I am a Vet and have the diagnosis here. So, I am taking her to Olive's Vet and gonna put her on a wellness plan, get her teeth clean, updated on vaccines and blood work done. Because I am sober I can do this today. I can be a productive member of society and have a career, have a salary, and help my Grandma. She just turned 88 years old last month and is not able to care for Chiquita in such a way.

Tonight I am gonna Bar-B-Q. Yum! I love hanging out on the back porch. I need to get some more plant life out there but have trouble keeping them alive. :( I really need to take tips from Mary Christine and Gwen on how to care and love plant life. I try, but I can't be able to maintain their little lives. Sigh, the next step in my recovery I suppose.

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful:
- that I can be of service to my Grandma
- that Mitch & I are exploring new healing methods in our relationship
- for Darma and Greg; how a humorous personality makes a person so attractive and not the GLAMOUR way.
- my brother's engagement
- cooking -- that I don't have to obsess about binging and purging the wonderful meal and enjoy the process of it
- a very productive work week
- central air
- to smile and laugh at my cats hyperness when they get silly -- to see their tails get all puffy as they cause havoc in the house.
- watermelon and red grapes
- the onLine blogging recovery peeps