hAAppy 1 yeAAr birthdAAy to you!

hAAppy birthdAAy to Motorcycle Mike! He has One year today, a non stopping 365 days. What a miracle and inspiration.


I was inspired to create this card by a little recovering peep I know as Anonymous Alcoholic. She is a great inspiration for recognizing the footsteps we take.

God + Recovery = Gratitude

I went to Ed's meeting last night. I shared and was honest about my "funk." I felt vulnerable, isolated in a room full of 12 other alcoholics. It's like I can't let anyone see that I am feeling sad or anything else besides a happy, joyous and free recovering alcoholic. I feel that I have to wear a smile on my face and create the illusion that I am working a "Perfect" program.

I know this will pass. I have to remind myself this entire thing is a process. I was instructed to begin making gratitude lists. I see many of you online recovering peeps do this. I will attempt to follow in your footsteps.

todAAy i am grAAteful 4:



~ Budda Belly and our morning routine. She hangs out with my in the bathroom while I get ready 4 work.
~ Ed's Meeting: Alice D and her hug last night and the few words "How's my girl?" & Jimmy C, 4 making me laugh and feel welcomed last night.
~ My animals and each night they wake me up because of nocturnal behavior
~ That today is my Friday. Taking the next 2 days off to celebrate Mitch and my 2 year anniversary. Seems like we have been together so much longer. Guess that is what happens when Alcoholic meets Al-Anon. LOL
~ Bootcamp and the soreness I feel today from the Murph Circuit training (Apparently Murph did these with a 45 pound bullet proof vest and regular gear during war, TORTURE!!!)
~ All the onLine peeps in recovery and showing me, one day at a time, how it is done.
~ The new blogging Peeps I am meeting
~ The new coffee machine in the lobby that is free, 10 flavors and frothy. WOW, I am in Heaven!
~ Weekly dinner at Tidal Wave with Mitch. I embrace the Czardas live music. This is one of my favorites they play:

I can feel the presence of God

One day at a time. Yesterday I woke up with my mind in full bloom of all the things I "have" to get done. In reality, I really did not "have" to do anything -- my mind argued this and the illusion that my life will be in order once the floors are mopped, counters wiped, draweres organized, etc I yielded to. I forced myself out of bed. I bathed Olive, took over 2 hours, started to feel better. Still so many things that are irrelevant to the core of my happiness made me feel ill. I made it to coffee with some close friends I graduated college with. They all know I am in recovery. I was close to canceling, I did not want to go. Why, because isolation seemed more inviting. The need to fix my environment appeared to be paramount. Yuck! I went and was 30 minutes late because I had to sweep and mop the floors. In the end, it felt so darn good to see them and once I was out of my environment I was OK.

I started to perk again throughout the day, those clouds were dissipating. Had a wonderful dinner with Mitch. We then took Olive to the park and I broke down, again. Arrgggghhh. I talked to God last night. I feel I am having a hard time embracing His presence in my life. I feel disconnected. Last night I asked Him to enter my being again, to please search my heart and help me embrace His love.

I was inspired by Friday's speaker at Crown to search for the presence of God daily in my life. Saturday night it began even before I prayed. I heard it at dinner through Mitch's voice. With the environment loud, his voice raised creating a certain tone I am attractive to. With his head slightly tilted I had a glimpse of a sparkle in his eye with the scar. The blood in my veins warmed my soul, I was out of myself. Most of the time I cannot or do not see it. I was alive in that single moment and felt the presence of God. It happened again today as I looked at my dog, Olive, and felt her beauty. She lay on the bed, I was mesmerized by her statue, her cold black wet nose, the contrast of her white hair on her muzzle against her shiny soft black coat, again I felt God.

The power of prayer, when it is from my heart, is amazing. I woke up this morning and felt different. I went to Sunrise, heard many things that God needs me to hear today, right NOW. I was able to speak to my sponsor after the meeting and again there was God -- I was seeing, feeling, smelling God. I told her about my extremes, my funk and that my OCD-like behavior is consuming all of me -- it is a big part of my extremes. I am a slave to it, my World stops and moods alter immediately when I get the NEED to fix things, to clean and correct, to massage all objects in their place around me. The thoughts are so irrational, and echo in my head like a scratch on a CD. They stop me in my tracks. It is getting worse daily and quickly. It is everywhere I step foot in. I broke down to her and confessed about my evaluation appointment I have this Thursday. She had some wonderful things to tell me and I cannot express the gratitude I have for her in my life.

todAAy I am grAAteful 4:
* God and His Grace
* Mel and Alexis, the few of us that still remain sober from the house 9 months ago and the opportunity to trudge with them
* Ed's meeting and all the people and recovery there
* Mitch and his unconditional love and support for me through all my ups and downs
* My kick ass sponsor, how blessed I am to have a wonderful mentor
* My normie buddy's, May A whom I can get honest with and have no fear that she will judge me, Mike B who makes me laugh and supports my search for God, Shelle L for being my "dude"
* Budda, Asia, Nic and Boo Bear (our 4 monster cats)
* Boot Camp and Eric's energy and motivation
* My health minus my Baker's cyst -- but I know it could be much worse
* All the blogging peeps, I speak about this entity often and am blessed to be a part of it
* Growth and being teachable

Still sober and abstinent -- thank you God for loving me even when I fail short to love you back.

In light of nAAked thursdAAy . . .

Peeps around the World are being exploited!

Watch the show down here!

Lonely Peeps No More!

It is Pure Sugar but most of the time it feels like a spiritual experience, yuuuuuuum!

The Peep That Once Was :(

Checking In . . .

Have a migrane tonight. My head has been pounding all day. Boot Camp helped for a bit, had no time to feel my head pain. There was other pain to focus on! LOL

I am feeling better today. I was able to break down the other night. I layed in bed, turned over and cried, for no reason. This is so weird. Mitch has been so supportive, again, why am I feeling so sad? I have not one thing to be in the gloom about.

Friday I commited to plans with Mel and Alexis. I did not want to go. I wanted to stay home, alone, naving on my Mac. I went. We ended having dinner in S. Pasadena at the Cheese Cake Factory. It was wondeful. I am so glad I went. These girls are so special to me. We are among the handful that are still clean and sober from the 30 something girls that were in the house 9 months ago.

Mel was telling me (she read this) that at the 9 month mark a woman experiences a stage of "funk." Many of the girls from the recovery home we went to are out, gone, relapsed just before the year mark. This is such a scary fact. You know, although I feel so sad I do not have the obsession to act out on any of my old behaviors. I am still exploring this state of depression and am grateful for everyone's feedback -- whether it is for or against. I know the topic in AA is touchy.

I will blog you all back soon. I want to tonight, but my head is pounding and nasea is lurking in the background.

Still sober and Abstiant and still grateful through the clouds that hover above me.

Made the Appointment

Feeling beautiful . . .

. . . then it gets ripped from me. Nothing has changed but everything has changed. I am so tired of these "moods." I am baffled that I cannot control them. Many of my people suffer from depression, a chemical imbalance. I was on Paxil my late teens for depression and bulimia. I took myself off. It did not help.

Today I understand more about me. I have been through so much therapy and it has been suggested many times to get evaluated again. I have avoided it because of my experience in the past. However, I have a better understanding of who I am through AA and OA. This and my spiritual growth has helped tremendous, but I am thrown by the abrupt mood changes.

10 years later I want to explore the possibilty of medication. Today I have a head full of AA (and Dr. Drew). Yes, I am dealing with life on life's terms, but there is something within that switches the light off/on with my mental state. The great thing is that I can "try" this different solution. If it does not work then I can stop or accept that I am just plain crazy. LOL.

I am interested in anyone's thoughts about this -- anti-depressants and such. I know many oppose to the idea but I'd still like to know of your opinions. Thanks for being here all!

9 Months!!!

My truck is sick and did not start this morning. My brother is coming by after work to trouble shoot it. Meanwhile, I get a day off from work! The day is beautiful here. The rain cleared away all the smog. I am in the office and it looks like the Foothills are in our backyard.

Went to a meeting yesterday morning and was lifted from mini funk. You all are so right -- I have not been able to get to meetings lately and finally being there was medicine. I saw some of my sober sisters and heard some great messages.


Today marks my 9 months!!! This makes me feel wonderful. I remember sitting at my 2nd AA meeting ever and learning that I could never drink again, that is I can but not safely. That scared the $%&# out of me. Never drink again, me, no way. I had a bottle of RUM in my glove waiting for me after the meeting. That single thought was such a high. HOWEVER, once that first drink entered my body all happy illusions were proven to be ill.

I am truly grateful for all your messages. Opening it up put a grand smile on my face and I feel really special, that I truly belong and like Scott mentioned, I am reminded that I am not alone.

Ouch

I am reading some of these blogs and am being forced to get honest. I don't think I can be honest sometimes. I have to walk around with a smile on my face being unaffected by life's daily events. I don't curse or vent so when something little happens, I flip out. Do I have to do this? This is what I know, how I have trained myself to be.

Today something little happened but it threw me. I was so upset I embedded my nails into my forearm. I did not know any other way. This terrifies me, what happens when LIFE really shows up. What do I do with my anger? I am a walking timebomb.

A bundle of Mess

Ugh,

Having a horrible morning. My period is lurking to arrive any moment. All emotions are intensified. I feel icky, this cold is annoying. I wake up this morning, and immediately adopt all those voices in my head.

Need to do laundry, clean the floors, wash my truck, take a shower, blah blah blah. As I was trying to organize my clothes on my side of the closet these IKEA boxes fall. We have yet to put them up, this annoys me. So I grabbed them and yanked them out of the closet very aggressively. Mitch is getting ready to go and teach walks over calmly to me while I am stuck in my World (which is my SICK head) and acting upon my emotions -- all that I feel.

He takes the boxes and puts them out of my environment. He comes back and proceeds to communicate with me. I wish not to do this or be touched and start to fight his gestures. Suddenly I let an ounce of my resistance go. Yah, that is what I did, I let go. He hugged me, was empathetic to all my emotions and irritability, and continued to hug me so tight. As he did I allowed myself to be in that very moment. I forgot about where I was at just seconds ago.

As he hugged I told him what I was feeling, and how I could not get CONTROL of my emotions. He suggested that maybe I need not to try so hard to control them. I may be creating disappointment for myself.

After this moment I was ok, at a much different place then I was only minutes ago. I was able to LET GO. I still feel like crap, runny and chapped nose from blowing every minute, sneezing and trying not to all over my monitors -- but I have a sense of calmness. What echoes in my head is how blessed I am to have this man in my life.

I love my Al-anon. I am not sure if I could do what he does. I know I can be a drunk, an alcoholic at best. He so simple, unselfish and giving and patient, like it comes so natural to him. I gotta work hard to get there, and them some! I seek to eliminate those feelings, they are so intense and over bearing. I found it in drinking, cutting and purging. Now, I am learning to find it in the simple things, like my experience this morning.

Thanks for listening. I love this community and everyone that post here. I love reading your blogs, learning about you and being inspired by your experiences. On that note, here are some pics of this wonderful man I am blessed to have in my life.

A week after our first date. This was at a club in Old Town Pasadena over 2 years ago. I just graduated from college, was offered a great job (which I would be fired from a year later due to my Dz) and fell in love. It was a true alcoholic meets al-anon beginning. Mitch told me he loved me this night (1st time). I, of course, out drank him and many of my normie friends here. I did not cross that line yet at this time, but I was venturing towards a true alcoholic.

Here is Mitch helping raise Budda and Asia. He is very nurturing. They are big monsters now and love to sleep on his chest at night.

Me, Trish (Mitch's mom), and Mitch. This was taken last night. Mitch and I went to dinner (I had to get out). When I was at Casa Mitch and Trish would bring me food (was fighting my bulimia then and was abstinent) and send me cards and letters. I had so much shame back then that I brought such ugliness into their lives. They loved me unconditionally, supported me, and did not leave me. I no longer carry the shame and guilt, but I can take myself to that place for a moment, because I CANNOT forget what is was like.

Checking In :)

I started this last night, then elected to hit the sac! I am feeling soooooo much better this morning.

March 3rd, 2006
Feeling sick -- just checking in. I think this one is gonna take me down. My entire body aches and my throat feels like I have been puking -- the acid burning sensation. Ew, this is one familiar physical feeling I do not miss with the drinking or purging.

Am taking care of myself. Had a partial root canal done on Monday. Waiting for a referral. My root is curved. However I feel such a relief on that tooth after the dentist cleaned it out for the time being. Had an ultrasound on my legs and blood taken. Not sure what is happening with the swelling. I thought it was a combo of Bootcamp and my period. Doc suspects it may be a cyst behind my leg.

On the brighter note, I got my new G5 at work and got my MacBookPro on Tuesday. I am styling and profiling. I love my Apple toys!

My side of the office at Home Sweet Home

Mitch's Side

On an even BRIGHTER note I am sober and abstinent. I am so jazzed that I will be sober, with God's grace and the fellowship (seen too many get comfortable then slip, I MUST remember always what it was like, how I lived in darkness) I will be sober as I turn 30! God and sobriety are awesome!