I can feel the presence of God

One day at a time. Yesterday I woke up with my mind in full bloom of all the things I "have" to get done. In reality, I really did not "have" to do anything -- my mind argued this and the illusion that my life will be in order once the floors are mopped, counters wiped, draweres organized, etc I yielded to. I forced myself out of bed. I bathed Olive, took over 2 hours, started to feel better. Still so many things that are irrelevant to the core of my happiness made me feel ill. I made it to coffee with some close friends I graduated college with. They all know I am in recovery. I was close to canceling, I did not want to go. Why, because isolation seemed more inviting. The need to fix my environment appeared to be paramount. Yuck! I went and was 30 minutes late because I had to sweep and mop the floors. In the end, it felt so darn good to see them and once I was out of my environment I was OK.

I started to perk again throughout the day, those clouds were dissipating. Had a wonderful dinner with Mitch. We then took Olive to the park and I broke down, again. Arrgggghhh. I talked to God last night. I feel I am having a hard time embracing His presence in my life. I feel disconnected. Last night I asked Him to enter my being again, to please search my heart and help me embrace His love.

I was inspired by Friday's speaker at Crown to search for the presence of God daily in my life. Saturday night it began even before I prayed. I heard it at dinner through Mitch's voice. With the environment loud, his voice raised creating a certain tone I am attractive to. With his head slightly tilted I had a glimpse of a sparkle in his eye with the scar. The blood in my veins warmed my soul, I was out of myself. Most of the time I cannot or do not see it. I was alive in that single moment and felt the presence of God. It happened again today as I looked at my dog, Olive, and felt her beauty. She lay on the bed, I was mesmerized by her statue, her cold black wet nose, the contrast of her white hair on her muzzle against her shiny soft black coat, again I felt God.

The power of prayer, when it is from my heart, is amazing. I woke up this morning and felt different. I went to Sunrise, heard many things that God needs me to hear today, right NOW. I was able to speak to my sponsor after the meeting and again there was God -- I was seeing, feeling, smelling God. I told her about my extremes, my funk and that my OCD-like behavior is consuming all of me -- it is a big part of my extremes. I am a slave to it, my World stops and moods alter immediately when I get the NEED to fix things, to clean and correct, to massage all objects in their place around me. The thoughts are so irrational, and echo in my head like a scratch on a CD. They stop me in my tracks. It is getting worse daily and quickly. It is everywhere I step foot in. I broke down to her and confessed about my evaluation appointment I have this Thursday. She had some wonderful things to tell me and I cannot express the gratitude I have for her in my life.

todAAy I am grAAteful 4:
* God and His Grace
* Mel and Alexis, the few of us that still remain sober from the house 9 months ago and the opportunity to trudge with them
* Ed's meeting and all the people and recovery there
* Mitch and his unconditional love and support for me through all my ups and downs
* My kick ass sponsor, how blessed I am to have a wonderful mentor
* My normie buddy's, May A whom I can get honest with and have no fear that she will judge me, Mike B who makes me laugh and supports my search for God, Shelle L for being my "dude"
* Budda, Asia, Nic and Boo Bear (our 4 monster cats)
* Boot Camp and Eric's energy and motivation
* My health minus my Baker's cyst -- but I know it could be much worse
* All the blogging peeps, I speak about this entity often and am blessed to be a part of it
* Growth and being teachable

Still sober and abstinent -- thank you God for loving me even when I fail short to love you back.