half-nAAked Thursday

Something so close to my heart. I cannot 4-get that I am not in charge here.



See the mAAgic!!! half-nAAked Thursday

My 1st half-nAAked Thursday, n then some!

Today I have something so close to me heart! I am not in charge. Although it was difficult to give my job up (u know, depending on me and only me to remedy me and things wrong with me, my life, blah blah blah) I now am in complete acceptance that I am not in control. What a relief not to depend on me in that way. Every time I did, such as to beat bulimia, stop the self injuring, control my drinking, I would fail. This FAILURE caused so much fear -- if I could not depend on me then what else or who else could I depend on? A wise one once said . . .

"Fear is the path to the dark side, fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering."

God, thank you for giving me your grace for all of my years -- I just did not know.

10 Things I Am Looking forward to this New Year in no particular order):
1) Turning 30
2) Entering my thirties sober
3) Celebrating my 1st AA birthday in 6 mo (yes, w God and the fellowship, I can do it -- not alone)
4) Mitch & I walking the New Year with a new me, a new us and knowing that Mitch is not my HP
5) Growth, Pain, Laughter, friendships, tears, trudging . . .
6) Working thru all the steps
7) Spiritual Growth
8) X Man III (hey, how'd that get there)
9) Being a sober member of AA
10) The AA community of bloggers!!!!!

Yaaaaaay, Happy

What a beautiful weekend. In the first few months of my recovery I feared this time of the Holidays soooo much. I had no idea how I was gonna get by without a drink. It was last year when my Dz consumed all of me, and I was in daily blackouts. I survived and more importantly am enjoying this time sober, being loved and loving all. Sounds cheezy, who cares!

I read this amazing sticker today on a truck:

NO GOD
KNOW FEAR
KNOW GOD
NO FEAR

That says it all. I have never felt this alive. As Mitch and I took Olive to the park tonight I heard myself say "this is too good to be true, is it gonna end?" I'm the kind of alcoholic who finds comfort in deep resent, it is safer that way (my sick illusion and an old idea that I am trying to change).

Gratitude List:
1) Mel, thank u for starting the SIA meeting. So many self mutilate and who can we relate to? We look like the freaks of all freaks, who in their right mind would do such harm to themselves?
2) Alice, for showing me that getting this for the first time is possible. Your recovery is so inspiring to me. You show me that it is possible to get this without being a relapser.
3) My "normie" friends that support me as a member of AA
4) Mitch, for never giving up on me
5) Laughter, I laughed so much today, ohhhhh that feels soooooo good!
6) This fellowship
7) The online bloggers that share their stories and themselves -- u all make me excited about recovery!!!

Still abstinent, still sober, and no cutting!

Gratitude up the Ying Yang

I am so excited. I get to speak on my first panel today with Alice and someone else she recrutted. I am so grateful that God has put Alice in my life. She is my inspiration.

I am grateful for this weekend. I saw family members I have not seen in years. One uncle did not even recognize me. I made the effort to see my grandma yesterday and took along my mom. I do not do this and know that it is time to change this.

I am filled with GRATITUDE this time in my life up the ying yang. I told both my uncle and dad this -- both so sick in their Dz of alcoholism. I finally spoke to my dad yesterday. He admitted he is now living on the streets. Regardless, I told him that I will always love him unconditionally and would soon like to sit and talk with him. I ask God how to direct my thinking and actions in this relationship. I just don't know.



I am so grateful for my Mom. Last year at this time I had my World of resent all towards her. How little did I know I could not change the past and that my mom did her best. I have learned to love my mom for all the things she is, and not to obsess of all the things she is not. I put that invisible wall between us. I remember months ago my realization of my part, all me. I could be such a beast.

I am thankful that my mom is happy at her new job and with her new partner. She is still sad after loosing Coco and ending that unhealthy relationship. She is doing ok, and I am thankful that she is allowing herself to feel. My mom, such a beautiful angel. I am so sorry for all the pain I caused you. I am truly sorry, but thankful, because we are starting over and I appreciate you more than ever.


The picture, Mitch, me, Mitch's mom Trish, Belinda (my mom's new partner, and my beautiful Mom, I love it! One of my many support groups as I entered the fellowship. I have never felt what I do inside me today. My eyes have the ability to tear right now, because this is how beautiful I feel INSIDE -- thank you God for my life today.

The Newcomer

I wrote most of this to my sponsor this morning:

I went to a new meeting last night in Pasadena, a women's participation on Ave 64. Alice is the secretary and was so excited that I said I was going -- no backing out of that. It was a great meeting. The messages said were enormous. There was this one newcomer that spoke at the end. She had 18 years of sobriety. During this time she never had blackouts, was in trouble with the law, etc. She went out for 8 months. During this time she drank every day, Vodka by herself. She got kicked out of a bar, would live in blackouts, and rolled her car 5 times. Then she was put in jail.

She did not want to share or come back to AA. However she did, and everything that the Big Book said about the progression of the Dz is true. It was amazing to hear her and I get goose-bumps thinking of her story. You know, I never had been so thankful for that newcomer as I was to see her.

My outlook at relapse is changing -- slooooowly. I get upset, a resent, when someone goes out. Like the situation with Victoria and me, I forget that they hurt just like me and are no different. I am no different and such a resentment will take me out . . .

I wrote Alice to tell her how much I look up to her. She is a great role model. She is everywhere in her program being a service and doing for others. She has many friends in the program and does things -- such as stand up comedy, this is new for her, so gutsy -- different to fight her illness. She asked me if I would be a part of a panel on Monday at the Salvation Army in Arcadia. I was honored that she asked me. So, on Monday I will be doing this!!!!

I am grateful today for my life, my family, my friends, AA and my sponsor. You know I am most grateful that I can be wrong. When I am wrong I now know that means I can remain teachable. I don't like to be wrong :) but would rather have growth.

"I pray every day that I will avoid my previous actions, so that I will be helpful to others."
Daily Reflections p. 359

One more thing to be grateful for -- the online community of bloggers that share their experience, strength and hope -- you all are miracles!!!

6 months 2DAY!

Today marks my half a year!!!! Whoa, it feels like yesterday I was so hopeless and alone entering in the doors of Casa De Las Amigas. I feel like I did when I discovered there was a solution to what was killing me. I remember that natural high, a non stoppable smile because I was discovering something greater than me.

Sometimes I loose that feeling and feel all the emotions -- the good and the bad. This past weekend (and up until now) I am having one of those euphoric spells where the little things in life are so clear, and my soul embraces them.

When I was sick I remember how hard it was to work on my most favorite gig. Because of God's grace and AA I have had another chance at this. My client believed in me and my talents to re-contract me. I am amazed to see how productive and Creative I can be in this state of mind and body. I told Mitch I threw myself with the last 2 designs. I met w/ D and W Sunday. The meeting was great. They loved the designs I have made for their feline product line.



I was telling them that I have just enough (thank you Nydia for not being afraid of telling me the truth and allowing me to process it) and am so content, a content I have never known before. Bad things are happening all around me like my dad's life, seeing some sisters go out -- but I am filled with hope because of AA.

I am so grateful to still have my job at COA and to have very supportive co-workers. I remember that day I told my supervisor that I had a problem (little did I know it was more than a "Problem") and needed to leave work the next day. I was willing to accept that I may not have a job soon and people may judge me because I am announcing I am sick. However, everything I could have imagined did nopt occur. I only recieved support, and more over they wanted me to come back after my treatment. After working only 2 months at my new job and being fired from the last due to my alcoholic behavior I did not understand that they wanted me back and wanted to help me -- just because for once in my life I was asking for help and confessed that I no longer could do this by myself.

I am taking care of my body more, and had a get a girlie exam yesterday. I was weighed in at 160 pounds. You know, I use to fear this number. I did not feel this yesterday or obsessed over it or denied me of any food because of it. Thank you God for my life today. It is not me that is keeping me sober and growing spiritually -- what a relief not to depend on me for all the crap -- !

***I have been reading all your blogs and finally left a post last week. I was amazed to see you responded. I really enjoy everyone's share and the common bond. Thanks for the great introduction and I will definitely be continuing on this journey with you all. That is the coolest beans!!!***

Hopeless with Hope

I just learned from my bro that my dad pulled up to my Aunt's house and has not showered for a week. He is so sick and I know that his disease is trying to take him down completely. I do not know how to feel about this. On one side, I see recovery, love and hope. On the other, I see evil, truth, hopelessness, and darkness. I am grateful for my life today. It is God's grace that allows me to live this life -- why not my father? This is baffling and more is being revealed.

Thank you my sober sisters Alexis and Mel. I had such a beautiful time with you girls last night at the play. What a gift to see Bill and Bob's story and share in intimate conversation with these people. I hope to trudge the road with them, and am willing to build on this sistership.

Mel wants to go to some Al-anon meetings. I want to do this. I grew up in an alcoholic family, and want to understand the family disease. I am affected today -- the man who gave me birth lives with no life in him. Oh God will you watch over my dad, and help me to know how to be with this.

I had a growing experience with my sponsor and through my frustration that was provided by her words I saw truth. I did not see this at first and was so obsessed by her reaction -- I was able to see the truth, not my truth. Growing sucks, but I REALLY realize now that I do have a really great sponsor and am grateful for her. I know that my EGO was getting in the way of how I should be sponsored. I am such a fool. My program is going along good, not perfect, and I need to accept this. I am sober and attempting to live in my spiritual growth. Why do I want to change what is already working? I think that it can be so better, that illusion, that committee in my mind, there it goes again. SHUT IT UP!

I love my sponsor and look forward to trudging my path with her. So, if you are reading, I love you and will learn to tell you this! Thank you for loving me.

Growing Sucks sometimes :(

So Buddy, the kitten formally known as "Hope" is back with us. I am dealing better with him departing us soon. I found a potential owner in Venice, sounds great.

I went to a meeting with a sober sister on Tuesday. It was awesome! It was created for a person who cannot leave his home to attend meetings due to back surgery. I really liked it and will be going next week. The thing I liked the most was spending time with Alice. I have a fear of people, and recently I discovered by working with my sponsor that I "hide" by loving my animals too much.

I am aware of my passion, and have a somewhat different opinion but forced myself to look at what she said. Growing sucks and I came to many realizations. I discovered that I feel safe with a military style approach to working my program. I may set myself up for failure by doing so based on my past behaviors of this agenda I set forth. God's timing is perfect, and I see the sequence of events occur in my life as part of this growing experience. I am ok today.

So, I went with Alice and was soooooo nervous before -- I was in my head. When she got there all this went away and I was actually able to enjoy her company and have a great time at the new AA meeting.



In addition to stepping out of my comfort zone, I am going with some of the girls to see a play tomorrow. This is not like me and although I am nervous, I know the outcome will be a reward I cannot imagine yet.

I am grateful for my life today, God thank you.

I take my 6 month chip in 5 days. WOW, half a year, what a miracle.