Survived Thanksgiving!!!

After working step 3 turning my life and all things to the care of God as I understand Him has been amazing. No longer do I need to depend on me to manage my bulimia and alcoholism. Whenever I would fail at this in the past fear would be introduced -- fear of the knowledge that I could not depend on myself to beat these horrible behaviors.

I ate well on Thanksgiving with no desire to meet with the toilet. We had a dinner on Saturday -- and some alcohol was brought as a gift. I had no anxiety to its presence, what an amazing experience thanks to working the steps and that I have given it to God.

One of my Casa sisters is starting a new meeting, SMA - Self Mutilators Anonymous. I am realizing that more and more suffer from this and have no where to discuss a forum of recovery to it. She asked me to make the flyer to which I was honored. I had 2 comps but leaned towards the one she liked too:



What TOTALLY made my weekend was an email from Bernie, Buddy's (the kitten formaly known as "Hope") owner to give us an update on his little life. Buddy is working his charm and living life.



Thank you God for my life today.

Sober: 149 days (taking my 6 month chip in 2 weeks!!!)
Abstinent: 24 days strong

God working miracles

OK, I have been not been adamant about doing my steps. I was so excited and wanted to work a program. As I started to stray away my old behaviors began to consume me. I started to cut, then the obsession to have a drink saturated my thoughts. Soon, I relapsed into bulima again, and the progression of my Dz I got to experience full force.

That night in the bathroom when I was on my knees asking for help offered another experience, the power of prayer. From that day God took away my obsession to binge and purge. Since then, I began to get lit again (the sober lit), I began to get connected with the people in the fellowship and my program.

I ventured to complete step 2 with my sponsor this past weekend. God had so many messages for me to hear at the meetings I attended. I also got to welcome some bulimic newcomers in OA. Last night I went home, I sat in the office and memorized the 3rd step prayer. After this, I prayed to God to guide my pen as my sponsor recommended as I sat and wrote my 3rd step out.

Chris Ramer, one of God's great messengers in AA recommended a book about prayer and meditation that was written by a person from the Oxford group to give away what was so freely given to him. I started to read this book last night, and again God is with me.

A MORNING SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE
I was putting gas this morning, a woman pulled up behind me. She shouted "congratulations" after seeing my license plate. We went on to speak for a few minutes. Her niece has 22 months, an alcoholic and self mutilater. We went on to share a common entity of this grand disease. This complete stranger offered such a profound blessed experience. She hugged me, and I discovered her name was Eileen and her niece, Monica. It was such an emotional few minutes, but this is the power of thy way of life, it is one of the many promises, it is God's work and the supreme love of Him and His children.

Thank you God for today. I am a grateful child of yours. Thank you.


18 days abstinent
142 days sober

Wanting to play God

The new owners to Hope and Tank came this weekend to adopt. On Friday Hope's new owner Bernie came. He was really nice. I had Mitch and Trish be present because if it were up to me I would see all the negative qualities in Bernie and refuse to give Hope to him. I found myself wanting to play God -- I do not want the kittens to fear nor ever experience any discomfort. Uh huh . . .

Bernie was very polite, he reminded me a lot of Mitch. I cried after he left, my heart hurt so bad. Saturday morning I heard so many great things that God wanted me to hear. The speaker shared that he cannot have hope if he has fear. Whoa, what truth. I had so much fear that I lacked to trust God. I did my part as God's helper, now, I need to let go.

Tank's owner came on Saturday. This experience was much easier by this time. I have received emails from them both -- both kittens are doing great! This has been such a blessed experience, and I am so grateful to have the physical and emotional support of Mitch and Trish.

Thank you God.

134 Days sober
10 days abstinent

Jan, Tank's new mommy, sent me some pics.

God, Grant me the Serenity . . .

I called my Mom to apalogize after dinner last night. I got on my high horse again talking about my ideas of my recovery and how sick I am. I want her to see my ideas, to understand how I know I am a real alcoholic, how my recovery is priority, how I was born with this and see the happenings in the making as a child, that my Father has it and I understand his life and decisions because of it, and jabber jabber jabber.

I did not feel good after she left. I was adament about forcing my ideas onto her and wanted her to adopt these. I felt so ugly after she left. I missed the very gift of just enjoying her company.

I left her a message. Ugh, so self centered little BRAT I am. I need to accept that she may not understand what an alcoholic is. I need to accept HER ideas, that she feels I just have a problem and all I need is will power and choice. Well, I am a bright person, and if that was the case I would not need this fellowship and I would have stopped a loooooong time ago. See, there I fricken go again. Get over myself.

She does not understand -- this is OK. Acceptance. I cannot change her ideas, opinions, and so forth. I can love her though, and I do. I can love my Mom for who she is, all that she is not. I can love her truly.

After my message I felt such a sense of clamness. I realized it was a beautiful evening to share with the man I love and my Mom -- I messed up, but processed the evening and am grateful for the experience. My mom loves me, and has never turned her back. Last night was another chip off my resentment wall I, only I, have created between us.

God, grant me the serenity . . .

I love my Mom :)

My Heart Hurts :(

I cannot help but to feel so sad. Hope's potential owner is coming Friday and Tank's on Saturday. I get my heart broken this weekend. Oh God will you keep them in your hands and keep them safe. I have to trust God right now, and I am having a difficult time doing so. It is like I want to play God and make sure that these people can love them like I love them. My love is not the only love though -- selfish and self centered I can be . . .

I am so scared that they will go without -- thinking I need Al-Anon! I feel like I gave birth to these kittens LOL. They are such a sparkle in my life, and I will miss their physical bodies. I keep looking at their pictures and video clips . . .

This is that part about love that I don't like. Both parties agreed to keep me posted on their little lives. I was telling Mitch I hope that I do not come off like a stocker (sp ??) -- it is not like I will be looking in their windows at their house and seeing them live. Oh my, the possibilites of this little alchoholic.

It is Mitch's Birthday today, what a special day. How blessed I am to share his 31st birthday and to reflect on how much we have grown since my sobriety begun. He has been such a great supporter with the kittens. How blessed I am to have a man that not only loves me unconditionally but has a genuine, compassionate and giving heart.

No purging yesterday, I am grateful for this. Thank you God for your Grace, and thank you for allowing emotions to thrive in a human soul.

129 Days Sober :)
6 Days Abstinence

I am grateful today.

Thank you God, but still sad :(

I am so sad. The other side of love is loss. I found home for the kittens. I am scared. I have this wrong idea that my love for them is the only love for them. I worry if they will be happy, safe, have a good vet, never experience fear, needs are met, etc. I am trying so hard to leave it up to God and TRUST that they will be ok because they are under His care, as they are now. I am just helping God out right?

Mitch and I are living together again. I am so content with this. It is really different living with him. I feared this "different" when I entered Casa. Never would I have imagined this serenity, this peace.

I am excited that I have not binged/purged since Friday. I had a moment of clarity, and prayed to God Friday night in the upstairs bathroom to help me find the right home for the kittens. I proceeded to pray for me -- to ask for help. I asked God to help me stop doing this to my body.

The next morning, I woke up to go the Sunrise meeting then the OA meeting. What a spiritual morning. Something was in store for me, and I was ok. At the OA meeting God placed a newcomer next to me.

At break I introduced myself to her. I discovered that was her first meeting ever. I could see the fear in her eyes, such great pain. I started to share my experience with her, and the shame I feel about what I do with food. I remember that I was smiling, and excited to speak about recovery. She was so broken, she could only say her name, and not admit yet to what she was.

She was puzzled at how warm and welcoming the room was. She was amazed to see everyone laughing and sharing openly about their secrets. Although she was so terrified of this new entity, I saw that somehow she was provided with a sense of hope. I gave her a tight hug, welcomed her, and said she is in the right place, and will soon discover a life never imagined.

Thank you God for allowing me to be the one to greet her into this program. Help her to keep coming back -- grant her you grace.

She emailed me. She made my day.

128 Days Sober
3 Days abstinent going for day 4 today!

Hopeful

Found out last night that 2 more sisters relapsed.

The meeting last night at Casa was not the greatest. It was one of those meetings that you walked away from feeling worse than when you arrived. The message was not strong, confused, more like opinion based. There was lack of unity in the hall, not sure what was up. One of the sisters that was close to a year relapsed. I am angry at her (not good for me) because I know she invited Alexis to this party where the situation happened. I called Alexis last night, she has yet to return my call. I know she was working, and that drugs are not one of her symptoms. I hope she is ok.

I discovered my little sister April is graduating form Casa on Tuesday. This makes me soooooo happy. I hugged her so much last night. It was more selfishly for me I think. 6 months of a great program, and now she will be released into the world. I am staying close to her, she gives me strength. She helped introduce me to my God of my understanding today, this to her I will forever be grateful.

The kittens are going up for adoption. This hurts my heart so bad, and I pray each night that God will help find the right home for them.

The Hope and Tank adoption pages




Mitch and I will be having dinner tonight to discuss our living situation. I may be moving there permanently, but the rules are to be set. I am not fearful, and will stick closely to my fellowship no matter what.

I was asked by the current Chair of Media Arts and Design to possibly teach a design class at the college. Whoa, I gotta pray on this one. My plate is full with my current occupation at Coaster, and I am at a really good place here. This is such a great corporation to work for, and the team I work with are a delight -- no drama, laughing all the time, and they know -- and they support me.,

My freelance gigs seem to be dropping out of the sky. I keep getting them, and keep taking them, and need to stop. Now this proposition, from the college (different chair this time, but none the less I have only but the deepest respect for C. Heinz as a designer and as a man, he has so many great qualities that resemble Mitch) that I was fired from about a year ago. I am not ready, and really am content where I am at. I do want to teach someday, but not on my time, I still need to work on me and place my recovery first, now, tomorrow, and forever. Gotta overcome this eating disorder, I am getting ready, so tired of the maitenence, so tired.