Sober Chick

Here are the unleashed pages of a sober chick in recovery. My journey (date of sobriety) began on June 13th, 2005. For 29 years of my life I was spiritually sick. Emotinally defeated by drunken black-outs, bulimic binging and purging episodes and self-mutilation, I finally surrendered.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

God, Grant me the Serenity . . .

I called my Mom to apalogize after dinner last night. I got on my high horse again talking about my ideas of my recovery and how sick I am. I want her to see my ideas, to understand how I know I am a real alcoholic, how my recovery is priority, how I was born with this and see the happenings in the making as a child, that my Father has it and I understand his life and decisions because of it, and jabber jabber jabber.

I did not feel good after she left. I was adament about forcing my ideas onto her and wanted her to adopt these. I felt so ugly after she left. I missed the very gift of just enjoying her company.

I left her a message. Ugh, so self centered little BRAT I am. I need to accept that she may not understand what an alcoholic is. I need to accept HER ideas, that she feels I just have a problem and all I need is will power and choice. Well, I am a bright person, and if that was the case I would not need this fellowship and I would have stopped a loooooong time ago. See, there I fricken go again. Get over myself.

She does not understand -- this is OK. Acceptance. I cannot change her ideas, opinions, and so forth. I can love her though, and I do. I can love my Mom for who she is, all that she is not. I can love her truly.

After my message I felt such a sense of clamness. I realized it was a beautiful evening to share with the man I love and my Mom -- I messed up, but processed the evening and am grateful for the experience. My mom loves me, and has never turned her back. Last night was another chip off my resentment wall I, only I, have created between us.

God, grant me the serenity . . .

I love my Mom :)

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