hAAppy hAAppy hAAppy HNT

Those things I cannot change about me. Acceptance is key, my HP painted my body with marks likes these -- kinda looks like bird poop eh?

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Starbucks

Took Olive to the park, then we went to Starbucks. Got Mitch a venti peppermint mocha and a grande java chip Lite (key word) for me.

To help treat my alcoholism, I have AA. To help treat my bulimia I have OA and WW – Weight Watchers. Sometimes my head becomes saturated with the impure thoughts of food consumption. Most of the time the obsession is not there. It is a different challenge than alcohol. I cannot live without an ounce of food being put into me as alcohol (Knowing simply just “not drinking” is not the solution to an alcoholic’s Dz).

As I drove towards home with Olive, I took a drink of my beverage. Yum, the little pieces of chocolate, oh how I love to nibble them between my teeth, swooshing around the cold mixture making sure all parts of my mouth get the pleasure of this delightful liquid, then the swallow. The first drink only left a titillating sensation for the next.

When I got home I came to the conclusion, or “illusion” that this java chip LITE was too good to be the lite version. Fear consumed me, I tossed it in the trash. I have to be sure, cannot exceed my daily point intake. I have to measure everything out and know what I put into my body. In a sense, this seems like a lot of maintenance – but I want to keep my abstinence so much.

All it takes is a little thought, my mind directing me, suggesting a moment of purity, to expel all that garbage out of me when I get that uncomfortable feeling. I say, “just for this one time.”

Ah, but we all know having this “control” is the illusion. The big book says that this Dz is progressive. This has been true with my bulimia. Each time I have relapsed, the behaviors got viciously worse. The last time, shortly after I got sober, I adopted the bulimia again! I started to do the same things with food as I did with my empty Rum bottles: the hiding in my truck, the planning, making sure I had the right amount, the secrets, the shame, and all that other crap that goes along. I really thought I was done . . .

I cannot allow this terror to consume me. I cannot get comfortable too. I have to always fight this. Sometimes I think this is a “luxury disease” – alcohol and bulimia. It costs a lot of money to maintain each or both.

I heard someone say, “AA is the most expensive treatment in the World. A person has to loose everything, the house, the job, the lover and then some to get into these rooms.” This is not my case, but it sheds light on the matter.

Thanks for listening. ;)

~ Still abstinent and sober.

Mumble jumbling thoughts . . .

My sober sister claims that cutting, or doing similar acts, is the one behavior with the least consequences. She is right. With this knowledge, I have some reservations about giving this up completely to God. I am doing the "pick and choose" mind game . . .

I feel beautiful. There is that small part that wants to sabotage where I am at in my recovery just so I will set the bar for disappointment when it occurs. My desire is not to do this with alcohol or bulimia, but for those painted cut marks on my arms and legs.

Beautiful, I feel this glow in my heart. I start to think, and things like the above consume me. Sucks. Met with my sponsor yesterday to finally work my 3rd. I am so thankful that she is my sponsor. I really believe that my HP had this intended. In sharing with my sponsor yesterday, I discovered why I was so attached to working with children with autism after high school. You see, I feel so uncomfortable around normal children and babies. It does not come natural 2 me. I want it to, but will have to wait, I think, until I popped one out myself. The autistic children, they are physically different and emotionally different. Their outsides is how I felt inside. Yet, how the public would react to their differences did not affect them. I wanted this, what they had. To be so different (not of their choice) but in their own accepting world, innocent, happy, angry, but living in acceptance.

My mom and Aunt Ona came over this weekend. One of the prettiest sounds I love to hear is my mom's laughter. When she laughs instantly I get a smile and that amazing feeling we get from laughing with. My mom's laugh is contagious. What a gift to experience this.

Gratitude List, I am thankful for
~ Sunrise Morning meeting
~ Hearing Kenny's story, in AA I get hope for those still suffering. If he can do it, maybe my father can.
~ My sponsor, she is the coolest
~ Those "normies" that support me, May A, Trish, Aunt Ona, my Mom, my Luv Mitch
~ The rain this weekend, washed away CA smog
~ The Foothills and all the hiking trails
~ Boot Camp!!!!!!
~ CSS and PHP, and the ability/desire to learn this stuff this one is selfish

We are off of BC for this week. Then come Monday we start the session all over. Mitch and I are still going to do some of the regimen. We are doing the compass run tonight. This is a killer -- I'M GAME. I am so ready. I need this for my mind, body and soul. It helps my sanity and to get those voices out!

Need Your Feedback

Hi All.

I need your help. I am in the process of learning the art of managing CSS and soon PHP. I am testing this new blog layout and need your feedback. Please click on the link below to view what my blog layout should look like. If you discover any oddities, clashes, etc please let me know. I am having hardware problems and cannot test the blog among cross platforms -- so I need you.

Sober Chick's Blog Templates

I the link you will see 2 pages of what it should look like and one "no-no." I use a Mac, and the latest OS system (and those to come) does not come with Internet Explorer on Mac. The latest and last version of IE on the Mac is really out dated, and does a horrible job of handling floats and the box model -- blah blah blah, in simple words, I am asking to describe what you see.

I appreciate all your time!

Love and smiles,

Sober Chick

Chemically Imbalanced?????

I wonder. 2 weeks ago I disconnected from everything, my first true funk since my last drunk. Was it because I had my worst period since I have been here on Earth? Was it because my ankles and feet got so fat I could barely be in my own skin? Not sure but I was really close to adopting one of my deceitful friends, not alcohol (that would be the last I think if I were to venture to this destination), not bulimia, but cutting.

Feeling like poop, I remember my mind being clouded with the blade. How attractive the sharp edge would be running along my skin taking me away from the abundance of FEELINGS . . .

I believe it is God that is not leaving me -- and I don't want to leave God. An interruption in my funk, Alice. I learned she was getting her year cake. I met up with 2 girlfriends at the Crown City AA meeting. I bought Alice some beautiful flowers and gave her a card. Wrote words from my heart, and GOT to see this miracle. I realized being in a room filled with a bunch of alcoholics and then some alike was enough to make me switch on again. I drove home so emotionally attached, I felt alive again.

My mood changes so sudden, it frightens me. I have to work that much harder to create a balance. I know no medium. I know the top, and the bottom -- this is natural to me.

In all honesty I have to get more active in my recovery. I started to read again, and need to continue this. I need to put AA first before all other affairs. This will help me to grow closer to God, the ultimate reason for my life today. Anyhow, thanx 4 reading.

At a much better place now. Still sober, still abstinent, and still cutfree! God, I offer myself to thee . . .

Testing a New Design

I am testing a new blog design that I created. So much more to learn, but soon I will master it even if it means

O B S E S S I O N . . .