Starbucks

Took Olive to the park, then we went to Starbucks. Got Mitch a venti peppermint mocha and a grande java chip Lite (key word) for me.

To help treat my alcoholism, I have AA. To help treat my bulimia I have OA and WW – Weight Watchers. Sometimes my head becomes saturated with the impure thoughts of food consumption. Most of the time the obsession is not there. It is a different challenge than alcohol. I cannot live without an ounce of food being put into me as alcohol (Knowing simply just “not drinking” is not the solution to an alcoholic’s Dz).

As I drove towards home with Olive, I took a drink of my beverage. Yum, the little pieces of chocolate, oh how I love to nibble them between my teeth, swooshing around the cold mixture making sure all parts of my mouth get the pleasure of this delightful liquid, then the swallow. The first drink only left a titillating sensation for the next.

When I got home I came to the conclusion, or “illusion” that this java chip LITE was too good to be the lite version. Fear consumed me, I tossed it in the trash. I have to be sure, cannot exceed my daily point intake. I have to measure everything out and know what I put into my body. In a sense, this seems like a lot of maintenance – but I want to keep my abstinence so much.

All it takes is a little thought, my mind directing me, suggesting a moment of purity, to expel all that garbage out of me when I get that uncomfortable feeling. I say, “just for this one time.”

Ah, but we all know having this “control” is the illusion. The big book says that this Dz is progressive. This has been true with my bulimia. Each time I have relapsed, the behaviors got viciously worse. The last time, shortly after I got sober, I adopted the bulimia again! I started to do the same things with food as I did with my empty Rum bottles: the hiding in my truck, the planning, making sure I had the right amount, the secrets, the shame, and all that other crap that goes along. I really thought I was done . . .

I cannot allow this terror to consume me. I cannot get comfortable too. I have to always fight this. Sometimes I think this is a “luxury disease” – alcohol and bulimia. It costs a lot of money to maintain each or both.

I heard someone say, “AA is the most expensive treatment in the World. A person has to loose everything, the house, the job, the lover and then some to get into these rooms.” This is not my case, but it sheds light on the matter.

Thanks for listening. ;)

~ Still abstinent and sober.