Sober Chick

Here are the unleashed pages of a sober chick in recovery. My journey (date of sobriety) began on June 13th, 2005. For 29 years of my life I was spiritually sick. Emotinally defeated by drunken black-outs, bulimic binging and purging episodes and self-mutilation, I finally surrendered.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Mumble jumbling thoughts . . .

My sober sister claims that cutting, or doing similar acts, is the one behavior with the least consequences. She is right. With this knowledge, I have some reservations about giving this up completely to God. I am doing the "pick and choose" mind game . . .

I feel beautiful. There is that small part that wants to sabotage where I am at in my recovery just so I will set the bar for disappointment when it occurs. My desire is not to do this with alcohol or bulimia, but for those painted cut marks on my arms and legs.

Beautiful, I feel this glow in my heart. I start to think, and things like the above consume me. Sucks. Met with my sponsor yesterday to finally work my 3rd. I am so thankful that she is my sponsor. I really believe that my HP had this intended. In sharing with my sponsor yesterday, I discovered why I was so attached to working with children with autism after high school. You see, I feel so uncomfortable around normal children and babies. It does not come natural 2 me. I want it to, but will have to wait, I think, until I popped one out myself. The autistic children, they are physically different and emotionally different. Their outsides is how I felt inside. Yet, how the public would react to their differences did not affect them. I wanted this, what they had. To be so different (not of their choice) but in their own accepting world, innocent, happy, angry, but living in acceptance.

My mom and Aunt Ona came over this weekend. One of the prettiest sounds I love to hear is my mom's laughter. When she laughs instantly I get a smile and that amazing feeling we get from laughing with. My mom's laugh is contagious. What a gift to experience this.

Gratitude List, I am thankful for
~ Sunrise Morning meeting
~ Hearing Kenny's story, in AA I get hope for those still suffering. If he can do it, maybe my father can.
~ My sponsor, she is the coolest
~ Those "normies" that support me, May A, Trish, Aunt Ona, my Mom, my Luv Mitch
~ The rain this weekend, washed away CA smog
~ The Foothills and all the hiking trails
~ Boot Camp!!!!!!
~ CSS and PHP, and the ability/desire to learn this stuff this one is selfish

We are off of BC for this week. Then come Monday we start the session all over. Mitch and I are still going to do some of the regimen. We are doing the compass run tonight. This is a killer -- I'M GAME. I am so ready. I need this for my mind, body and soul. It helps my sanity and to get those voices out!

6 Comments:

At 2/20/2006 2:32 PM, Blogger Designer Girl tells all . . .

Hey, Sober Chick. Thanks for your comments on my blog. I'm L-O-V-I-N-G your blog design!!! You are uber-talented. Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. I wish you the best on your journey.

 
At 2/21/2006 5:27 AM, Blogger NMAMFQLMSH tells all . . .

I worked with children who were Autisic for many years. I believed though they could not verbally express themselves the way we do they were some of the brightest children I have ever met.
I see you,
JJ

 
At 2/21/2006 3:50 PM, Blogger Mary Christine tells all . . .

Thank God you are uncomfortable with "normal" children. I am sure you are a blessing to the autistic children. Not everyone can work with them. I am so glad you can.

 
At 2/22/2006 6:24 AM, Blogger Boston B. tells all . . .

thanks for you comments on my post. i have a couple pics of my dogs posted now. You should check them out. have a great day.

boston

 
At 2/22/2006 7:42 PM, Blogger Shannon tells all . . .

you are soo cool! I admire your honesty thanks for sharing...

 
At 2/22/2006 7:54 PM, Blogger Sober Chick tells all . . .

Right Back at-cha Kid! ;)

 

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home