Sober Chick

Here are the unleashed pages of a sober chick in recovery. My journey (date of sobriety) began on June 13th, 2005. For 29 years of my life I was spiritually sick. Emotinally defeated by drunken black-outs, bulimic binging and purging episodes and self-mutilation, I finally surrendered.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Resentment

Am feeling better today though, look:


I realized why my negative energy was directed at Mitch last night.

I built a resentment, more less, I had this already but was playing that rewind type for the committee in my head on the drive home yesterday. "If Nancy can forgive her, then why can't she forgive me for the same reason?"

I was truthful with Kel, I could not love her anymore like she wanted me to. Her jealousy tore us, and I found comfort in my disease in the end. Sober and stable I was (well, somewhat) for the time we were together. I just could not do it anymore.

I miss her so much. I want, however, a friendship. She can't. I want to see her glow and be happy because she found love. She can't do this for me. it hurts her too much. She did this to Nancy, broke nancy's heart. She manipulated her and disregarded her emotions. She did what she wanted to do -- Nancy learned to forgive her and accept her. To Nancy, letting go of Kel actaully won her back -- a friendship.

I resent Kel because she lives in the hurt I did because I left. Why can't she get past it? Why can't she be happy for me. Rewind, rewind, rewind, and Mitch gets the short end of the stick.

I am sorry my love, but am thankful that I have the "wisdon to know the difference." What I struggle with is the serenty and courage part. I am stuck in my head again, God I pray to know how to do Thy will, and not my own.

1 Comments:

At 11/04/2005 12:48 PM, Blogger swankbydesign tells all . . .

Well these are the odds. Like the night you came to the meeting to give me a cake and I ran into that guy who was in my recovery home. He did not stay sober and still struggles. All the guys in there at the time I was there are the same. Even one had over dosed in the last year and died. I am the only one who had stayed sober of over 30 plus guys. That is not mine to ask why, but more mine to carry forward. It is the 12th step to stay sober and keep coming back as an example...or relapse and come back. I wish the odds were higher but it does not work that way.

 

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