Sober but owning my Bulimia once again :(

A new week, a new day. I went to my first OA meeting this Saturday after my morning Sunrise meeting (I love those people soooo much). I have only heard great things of this meeting -- that practive from the Big Book (thumpers, YES!!!).

I am a newcomer here, and by the Grace of God I am still sober. I was thinking as I drove to work this morning that those aggressive mind cravings I had a few weeks ago had gone away. I really learned to experience "One Day at a Time." Soon, I will no longer have to live this way and be a recovered alcoholic . . .

I have this new beast and it is back worse than ever. I am as sick as my secrets, and it felt good to let this one out. At first I thought that I would do a few purges just to get through that fullness. The cycles are bad, and anything I put in my mouth will introduce an episode.

Today I woke up with every iintension of having a binge/purge free day. I felt so good this morning, confident, in love, "not a cloud in the sky" until I began to listen to my head. Again, it called, and my healthy lunch in the fride will have to wait -- I am doing it again, and in an hour or so I will meet with the cold ceramic porcelain to purify myself and welcome instant gratification.

Something I did recognize:
All this morning I was content, but felt as if I were mourning something. Once my binge behavoir began I felt something so comforting. I realize that my eating disorder brings me strong comfort, yet I hate the obession. It has me, it really does. I am sober, and have not cut in a long time -- but this, this one is my baby.

The Holidays are here. Food will be everywhere. I still will attend OA meetings, the next on Tuesday at Las Encinas.