Sober Chick

Sober Chick Moving . . .

2006-10-08T22:51:00.000-07:00

Hi all my fellow recovering peeps, I am moving! Whooo Hooo!!! My blog journal (r those the same words???) on blogspot will remain up because it holds a special place in my heart. This site is priceless.

My new home is now at www.soberchick.com. Please update your link whenever you have a moment. Muah!

Cool Beans!

hAAppy birthdAAy Carly

2006-10-08T10:19:00.000-07:00

She Carly 1 year today, Whoo-Hooooo. Today I am grateful that Carly has 365 days of continuous sobriety. There is a Celebration going on, come one, come all!

It's Fri-Day!

2006-10-06T10:42:00.000-07:00

Whoooo Hoooo it's Friday, it's Friday, Shake Your Booty!

Shaking the grAAtitude!
Now that I no longer participate in drunken blackouts, I am . . .
- able to remember the conversations I had the night before
- able to look at myself in the mirror minus the self-loathing part
- able to carry the message
- able to be a be a friend
- was able to give my coin that was given to me the day I left Casa (30 days sober then) to "M" last night . . . with a personal prayer attached
- able to keep my plants alive
- able to keep hope alive
- able to feel ALL emotions and know it is ok
- able to see the woman that gave me life and really love her for the Mom she is
- able to reduce the risk of the picture above ENORMOUSLY!
- able to be able

Once upon a time, I succeeded in to the greatest moment of desperation . . . borne from this was an ounce of Willingness followed by the warmest exposure of this powerful phenomenon whom I call God.

Juggling Pink

2006-10-05T08:35:00.000-07:00

Did you know that I Juggle?

Yes here is the PINK showing up in my life once again (notice the slippers too). How did I ever get into this art you ask? Well my sweatheart Mitch is an x-gymasts. He was in Gamma Phi Circus at Illinois State University. He is very talented, and has taught me how to juggle and do various juggling exercises, like passing and doing double tosses . . . ) I have a long way to go but have enjoyed the process of learning thus far. I have been doing this for 2 years, and I admit it really is theraputic.

Below is Mitch practicing at CAL TECH when he first moved to Pasadena over 5 years ago. He is really awesome, I love watching him and am amazed at how talented and Passionate he is about this art (that is him with his back to the camera, black shorts white stripe.)

We usually juggle at the park but for HNT purposes, I had to get a shot in our home hence the messiness of our new office. It is in transition mode.

shaking the grAAtitude:
- the HNT posts today and the smiles it has brought to my fave
- juggling
- the new dog park we discovered only blocks from home
- a new chapter of recovery with Alexis and "M"
- "M's" progress
- opportunity for spiritual growth
- energy of my sponsor and her husband when they are together (like 2 teenagers, I love it!)
- that when I use to live in darkness you took my hand in yours and helped me find the light . . . that light being the luminance of discovering God's presence
- that I no longer bare the load of shame and guilt on my shoulders.
- Diet 7-Up
- Freckles . . . I came to believe that they are Angel kisses
- Your support and suggestions of solutions when I most need them

PLEASE COME AND VISIT US ON THIS FINE DAY HERE!

Sober Chick

2006-10-04T12:55:00.000-07:00

A while back the beautiful JJ sent me a link of a sober chick hat . . .

Isn't that the coolest. So I drew up the little guy myself. :)

Today I am grateful for the power of prayer. I got a call last night from her very loving boyfriend (who has stood by her side, I have been praying for him too) and my friend "M" has improved a great deal in a small amount of time. She is not in the ICU anymore. I can't wait to see her. You know what has happened? It was an opportunity for spiritual growth. My HP Rocks!!!

***I am very grateful for having a job. Regularly they set up dates for blood donation which I think is very cool. We have warehouses all across the country, each month if no one gets hurt each employee recieves 20 bucks! I work at the corporate head quarters and share an office with 3 product developers, one being my supervisor. I laugh so much here, today is no different. My face muscles are getting lots of exercise today. Just found out that we are getting flu shots this month. I am very grateful to be here, just wanted to get this out . . .

I was hired here 2 months before my last drunk. Before that I was fired from a good job. I was very active in my Dz and drinking on the job even passing out in my truck at times . . . I was let go for my behavior having everyone walk on eggshells when I was around. I could not grasp how fortunate I was to have a job at that time, I was spindling out of control towards my rock bottom (getting fired was not it, I needed more), today is different . . . ***

Toos-Day

2006-10-03T07:46:00.000-07:00

Aren't homegroups the coolest? I remember when I made the decision to adopt my homegroup :) It was there that I discovered my sponsor, it was there that I was able to begin healing, it was there that I began to grow up.

Went to a new meeting yesterday at the 202 Club. I saw some familiar faces from my homegroup and meet some new people. My friend "R" volunteered me to lead the meeting. Thank goodness for friends like that ;)

shaking the grAAtitude:
- that I came to the realization my life running on Self Will was turning out shattered results
- Step 3
- the promises, for being introduced to a situation that use to baffle me . . . this is not the case today
- "M" teaching me so much in this chapter of our lives
- my eCard Mitch sent me yesterday that made me laugh for 59 seconds
- being able to pick up the phone (cuz if I allow my thinking to happen, that phone will weigh 1 billion pounds, action action action) and be there for a friend in need of some guidence Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks
- trudging littermates
- The Season changing
-pumpkins patches popping up
- YOU, your emails and the simple gesture of your visit, you are the hands of AA

Thank you

2006-10-01T20:12:00.000-07:00

Saw "M" 2nite for a brief moment. They did not have to place a tube in her. She is improving only slightly but I will take it! She was only able to get out a few words out. I left her some Dr Suess books (her favorite), read her the card that Alexis, Mitch & I wrote in, and said that "T" will read them to her tonight. :)

I walked away to put the books on the chair, she pulled off her mask and said "I like your sweater." That was so great for me to hear, not the compliment but she is more aware than presented, that she is responsive, that she is fighting!!!

You see, I am so grateful right now. "M" is allowing me to be accountable, to have this ultimate purpose that I have seeked for so long in all the wrong ways. God is giving me this internal strength right now and I cannot explain it . . . but it is fueling passionately within.

My dear friend Christine concluded one of her beautiful emails sent to me with a quote . . .

"Failure is the beginning of wisdom . . ."

update

2006-10-01T09:09:00.000-07:00

I was able to see my friend/sister at the hospital Thursday night. It was really nerve wrecking, standing outside the door, anticipating what will happen after we (Alexis and I) walked in. M does not want to see anyone right now, she is very stubborn, angry and can be quite intimidating. Despite all my nervousness, earlier that day I made the decision to give it all up to God and trust what was suppose to happen.

God is magical.

It was difficult to see her, how her body has taken to the aggressive beating she has put it thru. She is so fragile, and beneath that hard layer of toughness she projects I know deep within she is fearful, loss, and desiring love. I did not cry for the sake that my falling apart would drain her. We stood for an hour, and I am blessed to have had that time with her.

Since then her condition is decreasing. That was the last night she has been coherant. They still cannot find the exact location of the infection in her heart, and now she has developed fluid around her heart. Yesterday they put a endo tube down her throat, sedating her for the purpose of breathing. Her kidneys are now being affected. She is in the ICU. I am going to see her shortly . . .

I am scared in so many ways. I am so grateful to I have the support of the people in program that have been in similiar situations and know the dark reality of this selfish disease.

Thank you God for my sponsor, her guidence and love at this time is so paramount. And for Alexis, that together we are learning to stay sober and trudge thru this time. "T", for his dedication and love for "M", I pray God that you keep him close and continue to fuel his strength at this time. For all the emails I have gotten and comments on my blog -- I am truly grateful for your support and words, they help fuel my passion for this program, more so, for You, God's children.

I thank God for my life, that I have been so blessed in a number of ways which I could not grasp 2 years ago. A new freedom, a new beginning, happening today despite this cloud of darkenss that lingers over. Thru the clouds there are pinholes of sum beams that are so powerful, I feel them shining on my soul.

From all of me, thank you for you love.

The Message . . .

2006-09-28T11:16:00.000-07:00

I just discovered Mike S from XA speakers. His message is wonderful and his humor very good for the soul. If you have an hour to spare, please listen to him share his experience, strength and hope. I have him on in the background while I am working . . .

Mike S

Postponing HNT. . .

2006-09-28T07:53:00.000-07:00

I originally had my HNT pics all set up but am not gonna post them today.

I got a message this morning about my sister M (in the fellowship) that went out early this month. Since she has made some contact with me and suggestions about her getting back to walking a clean and sober path. She is now in the hospital with an infection in her heart caused from using. I am told it is very fatal.

I called my sponsor leaving a message this morning. I told her that my emotions about this are layered. Deep down I know I am hurt and fearful but the uppermost layer is anger right now. She had the perfect repsonse, "this is not about you right now" -- not to discard my emotions but to allow some action to take place. She suggested to me some direction.

Again I am asking for your prayers.

I am very grateful to be a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am thankful to God for blessing me in so many ways. I am very thankful that I do not have to go through this experience alone.

Feeding some Fear tonight

2006-09-26T21:39:00.000-07:00

I went to a new meeting tonight and saw 4 people take cakes, the youngest of the group taking a 20 year cake. Lots of long sobriety there, pretty cool. I also saw a man who took a 22 year cake that is, um, still sick. I came to this conclusion when I heard him speak of his resentment towards 2 people that passed away (he is still holding it) and 2 people that are currently in AA -- the words that left his mouth, wow, he scared me.

Funny though, the man who shared b4 him made me giggle. He said "If I piss someone off at a meeting then go home and pray for me cuz I need a lot of praying for." His tone was playful and honest.

I also met a beautiful woman that had a warm welcome (she took a 28 year cake and her husband 23 years, apparently she admitted she 13th stepped him, LOL, they have been married 21 years). She got sober in New York and decided to take her sobriety where ever she went after . . . pretty cool huh, our sobriety is mobile!

After the meeting I called Alexis. We both share some similar emotions when it comes to our friend's relapse and I am grateful that we have each other at this time. She invited me to speak at a panel with her tomorrow night at a high school.

shaking the grAAtitude:
- 15+ months of continuous sobriety
- I feel I am getting ready to claim abstinance from bulimia once again . . . it is coming, for I am tired of it again and almost ready to give it back to God. I don't want it anymore . . .
- that OA runs on the traditions and step work borne from AA
- tomorrow is a new day and my icky feelings tonight will pass, and I will not drink over them
- that once I finish my post I will lay down and my animals will take me into a comfortable loving place (I do hope they are fiesty)
- that Mitch will be home soon
- to know a God of my understanding today
- to know that just one drink will lead me into a path of loosing all that I have gratitude towards
- the Holidays!!!
- YOU are here with me.

Are you a friend of Bill W?

2006-09-24T17:17:00.000-07:00

Waiting for my Caramel Frap at Starbucks I noticed these 2 men wearing the same blue shirts ordering drinks. What caught my eye was not that they were 2 cute young guys :) What caught my eye was the AA logo imprinted on the back of the shirts they wore. There was some writing inside of it. I approached one of them and asked him if they were apart of some stag. He said "no". They are a part of a recovery group that were coming from a convention down the street. He then asked me "Are you a friend of Bill W?" "Absolutely" I replied with a smile.

I cannot tell you how many times I have met friends of Bill W when in a coffee place. There must be some universal energy that draws us alcoholics in recovery to Starbucks or Coffee Bean. This was not the first time and I know it will not be the last time I will meet one of Bill W's friends inside a coffee place.

Anytime I meet someone from AA outside of AA itself, it is one of the greatest spiritual connections ever. We share something so ugly, this disease, that together we claim victory over its destruction. My soul is rejuvinated at each experience as this!

shaking the grAAtitude:
- my ever so cool God
- my homegroup and all the beautiful recovery there
- desperation as the catalyst to my path of sobriety
- that I am in acceptance of my Mom today, and becuz of that I can really see how beautiful she is
- crayons and coloring books
- Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang
- my life today
- Mitch and our furry babies
- slap happy giggles
- ALL the recovery bloggers that unite to share their experience, strength and hope.

New Recovery Chic, plz visit

2006-09-21T11:43:00.000-07:00

Guess What??? Oh dAAve U R gonna Luv this, yes, there is a new Chic on the block. Please visit her everyone when you have a moment!

The Road of Happy Destiny (Recovery Chic).

hAApy HNT

2006-09-21T08:15:00.000-07:00

A half Naked Fashionable Baby!

Fashion seems to repeat itself. I can honestly tell you that the shirt I wore above is back in style. My mom must have known some trend factors! I think my Mom played a part of what is my favorite color: Pink

I was inspired by Scott W to use a picture back in the day. Thanks Scott! Come see ALL the inspiration of beautiful people in recovery HERE!

a grAAteful Sober Chick:
- to listen to my Mom laugh this morning on the phone
- my job all the fun we have here in this department
- that I accepted a new job (part-time) as an onLine professor for 2 graphic art classes. I start in 2 weeks, and I am really excited.
- my career evolving
- that today is my Friday! Playing hookie tomorrow.
- Halloween decorations . . . hehee!
- all your comments left on my last post and how I love knowing you all
- despite some character defects, my soul is truly glowing with gratitude of my life
- Mitch and our furballs
- being able to chat live with Katy and laughing so much at some of her kitty stories
- that AA is something I am so blessed to have as a part of my life
- my blogging recovery peeps and some newcomers to my blog. WELCOME!

SMILE

2006-09-18T07:50:00.000-07:00

I was waiting at Home Depo with Mitch for our 5 gallon of paint buckets to mix. There were many people there seeming not to happy to be waiting. Among the croud of frowns and stiff bodies a couple stood out to me. My eyes gravitated towards them. The woman constanly smiling, and her partner appeared pretty content too as he was communicating with her and the person helping them. Indeed they stood out from all, and I stood watching them allowing their energy to penetrate my presence.

I read that looking at a picture of a cute animal helps stimulate so part of the mind that allows a feeling of happiness. We as recovering alcoholics to are given the gift of seeing the NOW, embracing life sober and learning to humble thyself by appreciating the simpliest things in life. I was able to grasp this concept this weekend by seeing someone smile.

What makes you sMILe?

Shaking the grAAtitude:
- My HP
- Laughter
- Mitch and our babies
- Remembering some fun experiences with my dad as a child (we were on the topic of farts, and I was telling Mitch and his about when my dad would fart, he would do things like roll up the windows in the car, strange you may think but when he was present he was a whole lot of fun)
- the Holidays are coming!!!!!
- Getting the new office painted and moved in this weekend
- the smell of Vanilla
- not fearing honesty
- my sobriety
- all my blogging peeps that come and visit me

Gratitude 2day

2006-09-13T12:10:00.000-07:00

Wanting to reflect some gratitude . . . I am grAAteful for:

- my friend's M eMail yesterday
- the phone call from my sponsor
- knowing that this chpater in my life is essential for my sobriety
- my animals, and how they pull me into the moment many times
- the new plants I have adopted -- they are doing well under my care
- juggling with Mitch (more to come on this)
- Katy's eCard and message
- the Season changing
- the color orange and brown and the excitement I get know the Holiday's are approaching
- iTunes update (spoiled)
- my job and that I suit up and am present each day
- being in Love
- and all of your comments left on the last few posts. Gives me the goosebumps, your support and words help me so much. Thank you.

Checking in: 9-11

2006-09-11T07:49:00.000-07:00

5 years ago today our Country lost many lives, but much was gained. People of all sorts came together, and for a moment race, religion, gender and such were not considered a division -- we were all one.

In rememberence of 9-11 . . .

I am truly grateful to be living in a country where I have the privilage of opinion and freedom. However I, along with many fight a different war, a war which seeks freedom from self.

I had a good recovery weekend. Alexis and I still had our recovery girls night out Friday night and got some needed spiritual medicine. I went to my Sunrise meeting Saturday morning, met with some women after and got some support and love from my sponsor. It is strange that my friend's relapse makes me feel so passionate about my sobriety.

Thank you for all of your support. My friend M is toxic right now, and the hardest thing is to not help her until she is willing. Your words and prayers have so much substance to my soul and my recovery.

I am grateful today for a sober morning. I am grateful that I have your support. I will check in with all you through out the day.

Need some prayers please

2006-09-07T10:41:00.000-07:00

I just discovered one of my closest sisters went out. She is was put in the hospital.

I am asking for your prayers at this time.

I feel so helpless right now and am so pissed off at this Dz in so many ways. As I was walking out the front door of where I work earlier today there lay a case of Budwiser. Apparently the owners are celebrating the Leap Year by celebrating and cooking outside. I want kick that case of beer right now.

I am in shock, fighting tears and trying to keep my composure.

Thank you for listening and your support.

I am grateful that A is still trudjing with me and pray that M will come back. I am grateful that I am pissed off but do not have the obsession to drink. I am grateful that you are here with me and understand first hand how UGLY this Dz is.

hAAppy 3 Years dAAve

2006-09-05T19:59:00.000-07:00

dAAve Celebrates 3 Years!!! Thank you for offering the best type of healing medication . . . Laughter :) You have such a beautiful soul my friend.

The Blahs!

2006-09-05T19:11:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get pissed off that you can't have a drink like a normal person?

I feel bitter right now that I can't toss back a mix drink. I was at Trader Joes during rush hour, everyone in line seemed to have bottles of wine or beer in their purchase. Blah!!! I don't want to drink. I do believe that I am a REAL alcoholic and that a person like me can NEVER put a drop of alcohol in this body. I am just a little pissed that I am an alcoholic today, but I know it will pass . . .

I am grateful that I am sober today.
I am grateful to have a God that loves me
I am grateful that One Day At A Time works
I am grateful to see others live life on lifes terms and remain sober
I am grateful that I know the truth of my Disease
I am grateful that I have your support and embrace that you are with me now.

hAAppy half-nAAked Thursday

2006-08-31T08:35:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder how many licks it takes to . . .

Turn your tongue BLUE ????? Not Much I tell you.

Come and visit us on this fine HNT here!

Painting

2006-08-27T14:15:00.000-07:00

We have begun the process of painting our home now. It looks like this is gonna take a few more weekends. We started in the master bedroom. My mom has offered to help us, this is her expertise. My mom is the kind of woman that puts her own breaks on, changes her oil, sparkplugs, knocks down walls in her home at 2:00 am in the morning to merge 2 rooms and so much more. She is a handy woman, and I love her for that. However for the girlie things I had to seek this on my own, it is ok, I am over it and thankful today that I have my mom in my life and truly love her for what she is.

Mitch has learned a lot, he is not handy around the house. However when it comes to setting up our internal server, wires and things like that he is a pro. My job is staying out of trouble, espically this weekend. Yup, I am blogging now with the Jetsons playing on my dual monitor. I was helping but making more work, LOL, hey I am not perfect.

I did however reorganize our kitchen and did some gardening this weekend. I am cool. I am enjoying pet sitting. We have my brother's dog here (the biggest one) Dr. Bear (my mom is taking care of her "grand doggie this weekend hence why he is here) and tonight I begin pet sitting our neighbor's 2 black cats. I love animals!

grAAtitude right here!
- My Mom
- Being in Love
- the plants I have adopted are taking to my love and nurturing
- eMail from my sponsor
- Recovery girl's night out with Alexis and Mel
- 14 months + of sobriety
- that soon the Holidays will be here
- that I look like a mess from working on the house and don't mind at all
- having Dr Bear here
- my 4 legged babies
- fresh air
- the recovery peeps that visit my blog and read about my life
- my brilliant God

Say Hi to Hippy Chick

2006-08-25T12:14:00.000-07:00

hAAppy fridAAy Beautiful Peeps!

When you have a moment, stop by and say hello to a new friend in the recovery sphere Hippy Chick.

Muah!

hAAlf Naked Domo-Kun

2006-08-24T06:27:00.000-07:00

Domo-Kun traveled all the way from China to live with us. Many times he likes to travel around the house and find new places to explore, yes, he is Domo-Kun the Worldly Traveler. Sometimes he is in the cat posts, the bathroom, on the curtains and thensome! He loves to play with the cats and make them upset. As you can see below I had to intervene and break up the quarrel. These kids.

todAAy I am grAAteful:
- God and all the blessings in my life
- to go to bed tonight sober
- eMail from Mel
- Sober Girls night out Friday
- my roses today and how the gesture made me feel
- learning to abandon self effecient-ness
- keeping it simple and knowing that is ok
- all of YOU!

Come Visit Us on this Fine HNT!

I'm In Love

2006-08-23T14:58:00.000-07:00

I feel sooooo special right now. The receptionist called me and asked me to go up front because I had some flowers waiting. I was "what, are you sure you have the right Chrisina?" I went and discovered these beautiful red roses for me from Mitch, and on the card it said "Thinking of You, Love Mitch."

This little gesture has made me feel like a princess, how beautiful is my man. He is so giving, unselfish and has the warmest heart. I am so blessed to be in love with him and more so, that he encourages me in my recovery and knows the importance of my sobriety. Just for a moment I am gonna sit here and embrace this feeling I have. My soul is rejuvinated and I am grateful to God for my life today.

Note: These are not the actual roses but they sure look similar! Regardless it is his action that makes me feel wonderful.

What tha' "Bleep", HNT????

2006-08-23T14:49:00.000-07:00

What is happening with our Half Nakid Thursday Button??????? I am baffled.

I removed mine at the moment and plan to put it back on once it is fixed. Hmmmmmm, anyone knows what is a happs?

In Vegas!

2006-08-20T09:31:00.000-07:00

Hi Beautiful Peeps!!!

My busy-ness is gonna come to a hault come Tuesday so I will be back in the frequent recovery cyber sphere with you all. Right now I am in bed at the Mirage in Vegas enjoying the morning (a Vegas morning that is if that exist in the city that never sleeps).

My brother's wedding was gorgeous least to say. He looked so handsome yesterday. He is such a goofball, making faces for the camera and such. My dad use to do that all the time, somehow my brother unconsciously adopted it. I got to meet one of my brother's spiritual mentors yesterday. This person has helped my brother get closer to God and discover a new peace in his life. He use to be a heroine addict (his friend) and today lives a life close to God. His energy is beautiful, and you could just feel his passion, his ambition and unconditional love towards God and God's children while in his presence. As he left he turned to me and told me how much my brother loves me (I am so moved right now tears are forming), and congradulated me (without saying the reason, but for my recent sober birthday).

Take a looksie at some of the PICS!

Mitch and I went to see cirque du soleil's "KA" last night. It was Beautifiul! Talk about going to work and loving what you do -- promoting health and creativity. I was so tired after yesterday's looooong day, I slept as if I were back in the drinking days. Mitch brought me up coffee, I did not hear him get out of bed or shower. At one point I poured Equal in the trash then put the wrappers in my coffee, LOL, am so grateful I know I am just tired and it is not a result of the dark days.

I cannot phantom the idea of getting sober here at the beginning. Drinking is so easy here, it is ubiquitous and cheap. You know how some of us would wake up waiting until the store would open to get our fix, well no need for that here. Yikes. Right now I embrace my sobriety and God's blessings: my brother and Jen, new family, my Mom, Aunt Ona, Uncle Richard, Aunt Sue, Mitch and just gift of life. I am having fun here and SOBER!!!!!

Ok, I am gonna catch up on your lives today the bet I can. Gonna head to the pool right now and enjoy some free skin cancer. I will be back after and enjoy visiting you. For now just know you are in my thoughts and I love you.

Sending you Hugs. SC

Checking In- Happy HNT!

2006-08-17T07:47:00.000-07:00

Whew, non stop!

Last weekend we moved Mitch's mom to Arizona, and this weekend I am off to Vegas to see my little and only brother get married. At first I was really upset. The dialog in my head telling me that Vegas is boring for someone like me. Sinister tempatations lie there, gambling, alcohol and many other things. Then I was thinking I have to get a dress, find a hotel, how to get there, a pet sitter, blah blah blah.

I am such a little fart, cuz HELLO it is my brother's BIG day. Get over yourself Sober Chick. So I came to that thing we recovery folks call acceptance. Once I shut the committee down in my wonderful but sick mind I began to see thru the forest. I can have fun in Vegas! I then booked a flight, hotel and rental car for my sweetheart and I. Mitch does not drink or gamble (just cuz it is a choice of a healthy lifestyle, go figure! I love my Al-Anon "normie") and so we planned events that we both can do there and have "us" time.

We got tickets to Cirque du Soleil. Mitch was a gymnast in college at Illinois State and was a member of the Circus team there (he taught me how to juggle clubs, he bought me a set of pink ones -- I am learning new tricks and passing with him, I will have to show yall someday). We are going sight seeing and have gonna have sober FUN! Plus I get to see my brother get married, that is amazing to me and I will cry, I just know it. This is his first marriage (and Jen's, his fiance, I love her to death, the perfect balance for my brother) and they have no kids, only 3 dogs. These decisions are based from our experiences as kids -- growing up in a violent broken home and not following in that path.

I am grateful for my experiences as a child, and the pain endured. I began to follow the footsteps of my ill father, but have been so blessed with angels around me that intervention occurred before I fell into the depths of complete insanity.

I am busy with work too, but all things should reside after this weekend then we begin painting our home and making it ours. Yay.

grAAtitude, woot-woot!
- Trish, that she loved me and did not judge me when I was so sick and living in her house -- and for her support and unconditional love as I began my life-long recovery
- My sweety-Pie and the foundation we are building together
- that Olive did not hurt herself when she slipped down the stairs this morning (we have hardwood floors and our Old Lady has trouble sometimes)
- that I have a chance to blog today and catch up on your lives
- all the people that are a part of my recovery, MUAH!
- for my plants still hanging in there with their new mommy! (I think your prayers are working)

and . . .

hAApy HNT, I am placing my naked but alive plants today as greetings!

More lively HNT peeps right HERE!

Another Furball 4 HNT

2006-08-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

Yes it is another pic of one of my babies and me. I took this one as a screen capture from the iSight on my Mac as I was blogging at home. Please take not of the mirror ceiling . . . NOT our idea so please don't get kinky ideas. LOL. Come See Us being hAAppy on this fine HNT HERE!

I grew up in a broken household. My dad was in daily blackouts and I learned to love him by feeling sorry for him. My parents would argue frequently and violence would break out. I went to a place within to feel safe. Over the years as a child I discovered safety in loving my animals. They did not hurt me or make me feel scared. They needed me and made me feel that I had a purpose.

This carried onto my adult life. In fact, I went to school to be a Veterinary. I worked as a veterinary technician for 7 years. I went to school and almost finished my undergraduate classes. I became lost in life, the merry go round stopped and my avenues of numbing did not work anymore. I seeked false serenity in food and alcohol.

I went back to school because I wanted to make more money. I wanted my career and money status to define my self worth. I thought it would complete me. Today I realized what I walked away from. I made less money, was on my feet all day, delt with emotional clients, and so on. I was so happy, I had true purpose and so much more. I miss it all. This is ok. I am very gAAteful where I am at today. The team I work with know I am in recovery. I laugh here often and I like the moral here. I cannot take this for granted or I will always be searching for the fix tomorrow.

Just for today I choose to live in the solution and embrace that which is right in front of me. Did you feel that? I am embracing your love. ;)

Life Is Everywhere, What Magical Energy!

2006-08-07T19:45:00.000-07:00

Above: After 3 days of being hospitalized, Budda got to come home. She has a yellow pressure wrap on her forearm from the IV catheter. Barely 2 weeks old, she fought.

Above: The babies getting aquainted with their new home. Initially we were only going to keep one. Yah right!

Above: Budda Baby attempting to walk. Her legs barely supported her body. She shook when she walked and allowed for shadows and sound to guide her.

Above: Asia, the little tank. She had no problem feeding from the bottle. She was so easy to raise. It was Budda that kept me on my mommy toes.

Above: Budda as a healthy adult. Still delicate, she is not a big eater, she is our precious miracle.

Above: Asia and that common look that she is up to something. She tests my patience and how I love her for that.

Gifts of Life
One of my favorite sites is called the Daily Kitten. My dear friend Tab introduced it to me (thank you Tabs). I got an email from someone that is a part of the Daily Kitten. It was a nice email and allowed me to take a moment and reflect on some beautiful gifts in my life.

You know, I still have some old behaviors that are regurgitated at times. I borrow from the old me as I try to align my soul out of complete darkness. Shadows lurk here and there for it is them that has brought me impure comfort.

I am being guided out of the tunnel. I am lead by the radiance of gifts my God has given me.

todAAy i am grAAteful:
- leading the meeting at Crown City Friday night
- spending time with Alexis
- my time with my Mitch on Saturday in the OC
- mom and doggie time w/Olive on Sunday
- that I can be completely honest in the rooms of AA and not bear fear of judgement
- the christmas lights in my deck
- my new plants (I am trying to be a good mommie to them, I need your prayers)
- laughter and slaPP happy giggles
- that Monday is over
- all of my animals and how they take me out of me
- Y O U :)

hAAppy HNT Yall!

2006-08-03T08:01:00.000-07:00

Olive & I are so hAAppy today is HNT -- one more day closer to Friday!!!

Come and see more happy HNT peeps right HERE!

I am grAAteful:
- my old lady friend Olive and all the years we have had together so far.
- our 4 cats, Boo, Asia, Nic and Budda
- inner exploration of my need to "control" my environment and the release from it
- being in Love with a beautiful man
- My mom and her visit Tuesday night
- my conversation with Terra and her spiritual guidence
- that the foundation of my sobriety is priority
- to discover others got sober first, then abstinant
- my new coffee maker
- accepting affection
- to be left handed
- that today is HNT
- YOU you yooooouuuuuuuuu (did you hear my singing pitch on that????)

Lots of Love, Muah!

Hidden Miracles: Lady in the Water

2006-07-31T14:53:00.000-07:00

This movie is so beautiful. M. Night Shyamalan has such a unique angle at telling a story. The movie is full of life, encouraging the concept that every single human has a purpose -- many do not know their purpose however. It is funny where you discover heros that will save lives. They do not live in the media, or live a glamorous life -- some even have lived through immense pain that affect them silently today. Each person so beautiful, each so precious. I see such in the Fellowship . . .

todAAy i am grAAteful:
- being a child of God
- spending time Friday night w my sober sister Mel
- seeing Mel's sponsor take a cake
- attending a new double winners meeting (new to me)
- the soooo many laughs I had at dinner with my mom, brother, his fiance, Mitch and myself
- spending time with Mitch's dad and Mitch on Sunday
- the growth Mitch and I are going through
- to be madly in love with someone -- all of someone
- that Monday is over
- Y O U :)

hAAppy 1 yeAAr Rex

2006-07-26T07:40:00.000-07:00

Birthdays are happening everywhere! It is the miracles of God and the Fellowship. Makes me feel so wonderful inside.
Today Rex celebrates her 1st year of sobriety! Thank you Rex for sharing your growth with us and looking deep within to remedy your internal battles. Please, drop by and celebrate Rex's 365 days of continuous sobriety.

My Mom's 50th Birthday!

2006-07-25T09:15:00.000-07:00

Today is my Mom's 50th birhtday. My parents were babies when I was borne. My dad barely 16 years old. I have so many colorful memories as a child, both painful and joyous.

Today I am so grateful for the relationship my Mom and I have today. We still are growing, but honestly, last year at this time I was crying in meetings realzing how much resent I have built towards my Mom because of all those things that I felt she was NOT. My Mom is not of the nurturing kind, and had her days with drugs and co-dependancy. My brother and I went with 2 absent parents growing up -- my mom being forced to work to raise us. I love my Mom for all of this today. The Fellowship has allowed me to abandon my resentment and see my part. Today, I really love my Mom for all she has been and is.

todAAy i am grAAteful and thAAnkful:
- I am sober for today, the bonus being that my Mom gets to see me as such and embrace God
- Having a Mom that did/does her best
- I have my Mom's nose
- the growing pains Mitch & I experienced yesterday
- for MC's 22 year anniverssary yesterday (and MY GOODNESS, what a SOBER PARTY, you are so loved :)!!!
- Christmas music
- Candles
- Mel D
- Colors of the rainblow
- Tomorrow Rex will be 1
- This kick BUTT recovering blogging community and how everyone is here for everyone!!!

hAAppy birthdAAy Mary Christine

2006-07-23T19:31:00.000-07:00

Today marks 22 years of continuous sobriety of the lovely Mary Christine. If you have not yet, stop by to congratulate her. Happy Birthday beautiful woman, thank you for being here! I Love you!!!

My 1st Letter to God

2006-07-22T21:45:00.000-07:00

Tonight I came across my written work I did while at Casa. I remember MC posting something about her reflecting on her self discovery thru writing during the beginning of her recovery by reading her journals. It has only been a year since, nonetheless I am very grateful I saved these journals, and will continue to save them to ponder at the one of the most significant events in my life which gave me life . . .

Dear God,

I hear glorius things about you and that you work miracles. People that I love hold you so close to thier hearts. There are churches, ministers, pastors, and so many more that hold as your messengers. I hear words of worship and thanks -- for you have saved the lives of people by spiritually existing in their souls. If you are so great, greater than myself, why am I so spiritually blocked to feel you? The concept of you to exist in my soul I have rejected for years. I no longer want to have my soul untouched by you. I am inviting you into my being. Please show me you are walking with me, along my path. Please help me to completely surrender and feel you in my soul. For the first time in my life, I am willing, and I can see I am not alone . . .

Christina
June 2005

I am a spiritually sick person. My disease is harbored by my process of thought. It is deseperate as I was once, and will forever manifest into something new -- if not alcoholISM then self injury, bulimia or perhaps some other quick fix yet for me to venture onto. I am a warrior fighting a beast that will not remain dormant. This battle is not exclusively combatted alone . . . I am among spiritual heros that borne "Hope" and promise of internal freedom . . .

For the first time last night I heard of an AA member having 2 sponsors, a food sponsor and an AA sponsor. I pray for the willingness to allow God to sieze my soul again, for I am picking and choosing what to give him in this moment in my life . . . "release me from the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy Will . . . "

maintaining grAAtitude:
- GOD's constant love
- a serene morning with Mitch & espicially opening up to continuous laughter
- God intervening yesterday leading us to seats at Crown City
- Kathy's experience, strength and hope last nite
- Alexis and Mel, the women I hope to continue trudjing with
- Saying YES to lead the Crown City speaker meeting in 2 weeks
- Women's Stags
- Air Conditioning
- That my grandma's dog is doing great on her new diabetic insulin injections, gained 2 pounds and is not urinating inappropriately (wt loss and such do to untreated diatbetic condition)
- My hug from Laury last night at Casa
- Gay men and how 99% make me giggle at their silliness
- That my mom is turning 50 on Tuesday and I will be sober for her birthday :) (God keep me)
- But of course, all my sober peeps showing me how to do this all!

hAAppy hAAppy hAAppy!!!

2006-07-20T07:53:00.000-07:00

*****hAAppy hAAlf nAAked thursdAAy******

I love laughing, and I seem to be getting a strong dose of it lately. I must say I am so grateful to work in a place where my supervisor and a few others know I am in recovery and support me. Example, Sam sits at the far end of the office that occupies me and 3 other project developers. Toby and I sit on the opposite end of Sam & Bruce. Sam & Toby have a football that gets launched across the room frequently. This football was missing for a while. It was found. Many times it hits the wall, and many times Sam likes to think he is going for the Super Bowl winning touch down being filmed on TV with zillions watching him -- he is so dramatic! I Absolutely Love It!!!!

I do have some struggles I am walking thru today but I must say I still embrace each blessing that crosses my path. I live in color today and how vibrant it can be when I allow it to shine on my soul. Do you see you are a part of my colorful World? I sure hope so.

Come and visit some more colorful recovery family members HERE!

Dz of Perception; Still in God's Workshop!

2006-07-17T19:41:00.000-07:00

Yee-Ha! Whaataaa, it's time like this when sober action rocks!!! Ieeeeeeeee-yA!

We are people that simply cannot "think" ourselves right. Our actions prove to be the key to change our perception. That perception has driven me time and time again to seek something -- the default has been with alcohol, food and cutting. However at the age of 29 I discovered something greater than these, something greater than myself . . . slowly my sick perception has begun to change. I am still in God's workshop however . . .

I look into the mirror and can get completely overwhelmed by all the imperfections I see. I have to work so hard to change these negative illusions that I have allowed to define my existance. I can look at others and appreciate their completeness, each physical characteristic elegantly placed that makes them so beautiful. Why do I struggle so much with my own delusional state I see in that mirror?

Because I am self absorbed . . . I am not giving up, I fight so I won't have to fight.

Friday night I spent the evening in a new AA meeting. I picked up 2 of my sober sisters and off we went. We all laughed so much, allowing our souls to heal. The meeting itself was so powerful, there were a few there that were so close to drinking that night, but attended the meeting instead. Thank you GOD for this Fellowship. Thank you for the newcomer.

i embrAAce grAAtitude as such:

~ the SIA meeting Saturday morning
~ Women's stag on Sunday, and the strong sobriety there.
~ The newcomer at the Women's Stag on Sunday and her newfound discovery of being a part of
~ Judy H, Alice & April
~ Mel & Alexis: for teaching me how to be a friend, allowing trust with each other and that I can get completely honest with them
~ the chair commitment I got for tomorrow's OA meeting
~ Mitch and our growth together
~ Olive, Boo Bear, Asia, Budda & Nicodemus
~ the telephone conversation with my Mom today
~ the email I got of congrats on my sober birthday from my grandparents in Arizona (my dad's parents, my dad is still out there lost)
~ email conversations from my fellow blogging peeps Scott & Diego.
~ this program is of spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection
~ my slip of the bulimia, that I know only strength will be borne from the BP rituals
~ This blogging community that has grown since I have been here.

*** 1 year and just over 1 month of sobriety***

Miracles

2006-07-13T11:29:00.000-07:00

hAAppy HNT to all.

It is amazing when I ask God for His guidance He comes thru and I think His Angels are working OT around some open wounds in my soul. I went to a new meeting on Tuesday, was about to leave after waiting and seeing no one was around. This is when the magic started . . .

I started to walk back to my truck when this woman popped her head out of her car. She had a welcoming smile, I asked her if she was here for the meeting. Thank you Laury, my new friend. "L" has 7 years of sobriety and that was her first OA meeting ever. Coincidence, NO WAY. We were suppose to meet at that very moment. I also met another person relapsing back to the BPs. Our struggles at this time are parallel. We exchange #s.

So last night a resentment came on stronger than ever. It wanted to take me out. I somehow managed to get out of myself "falsely" by shopping. I called a few sober sisters but all were out and about. Well, I am asking God here for some guidance. Alexis called me back while I was in the store, and she was on her way to the AA meeting at the Women's club. I was too (but was early so took a detour to my fav girlie cloth store -- yah, shopping another addiction).

We both have not been to the meeting at the Women's Club in eons. Somehow we both we suppose to be there, and I needed to see her. The speaker was great, I had a hard time staying out of my head but heard exactly what I needed to, honestly, I did. Then I got to see the smile of my new friend I met at the OA meeting struggling with bulimia too.

In addition to all this I have been getting emails from some of my cyber recovery friends and am so grateful for this.

todAAy i am thAAnkful n grAAteful:
- Gods Blessings
- the Fellowships
- this Chapter in my life, and the struggles that I am encountering today
- Hope
- emails from Alcoholic Brain, Teachable Alcoholic, Christine & Butterflygirl
- my Lady sponsor
- Alice, Alexis, Mel & April
- sobriety
- Mitch and our furballs
- venti black eye from Starbucks
- girls nite out tomorrow and our venture to a new AA meeting in Atwater

****And All Your Comments and Support Left Upon My Last Post. You Are So Special To My Recovery.*****

Still Grateful

2006-07-10T19:42:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone. I am checking in, missing you all. I finally have some time to sit and catch up on everyone's beautiful life, little by little. I have been so busy with work, my freelance client and personal transitions.

My brother had an engagement party this Saturday. His fiance's parents hosted it. They are BIG DRINKERS. There was alcohol at every corner I glanced. I was very comfortable to be around the bottles with no obsession to consume the poison. There were a handful of us sober, my mom's family in particalar -- well except my mom, LOL. My mom is very cute, and I had a fun time with her even if she was "silly." It was halrious to be ok in my skin and be around intoxicated family? Strange but my face hurt from laughing so much as the night progressed. We danced, screamed, let loose, and boogied. I was up until 11:30 pm, that is late for this lady.

Ok, I am not ready to "oust" myself as my dear sober sister would confess but I will admit this -- I am struggling with my food patterns. It is very odd, almost as if I am welcoming this deciet back into my life again. I am not sad, nor feel a slave to it. At this time I am buying into the belief that I have ultimate control over this. In simple words, I took back my Will from God. I ask for his forgiveness every day, I ask that he bears with me while I once again begin a new battle with the BPs.

My sponsor was the first one I told, I was not ready to let out my secret or time when this took place, to some point I still feel this. She is so gentle, and I am forever grateful that I have allowed myself to trust her. I have a sober sister that I trust with all of my darkness, telling her and the SIA Saturday group I attend . . . I am letting go of this little by little.

I am selfish, and want to keep this part of my Dz that can kill me just as alcohol. I know the truth of it, the progression, the spiritual malody, the resent . . . I need to expose myself to OA at this time and get involved again in this part of my recovery. I have strayed. I still am not ready to stop, to give it back to God. This is the honesty I will share with you at this time.

I have hope and do not bare that shame and guilt as I use to upon the last venture. I have people who love me unconditionally and do not feel as if I am mutant. Tonight I am heading to Las Encinas for the OA meeting. At this time I am willing, willing to see the miracles outside of myself.

2-dAAy I still have a genuine grAAtitude towards my sobriety. As for the bulimic rituals, I know the plan of action, it is just a matter of giving it ALL back to God. I am only giving bits and pieces, still hanging onto my Will. I will continue to fight, I know I have so much more beauty within to expose. Thanks for being here, and I miss you all!

SIA

2006-07-02T09:20:00.000-07:00

The SIA meeting that my sober sister starter during Decemeber has grown. It started with only 2 to 3 of us. Now, there is a good group of attendees. Self Injury is very common amomg alcoholics and addicts. I am seeing it in adolesence, little babies not even 18 yet. They sit, head down, so broken and detached from life. They should be living the excitement of youth, of opportunity, of unconditional love. Instead they are lost, living without hope, trying to keep their head above the water -- trying to hard not to drown. This is how they stay alive, cutting is a way to confirm feelings, emotions and pain so intense the body must be sliced. We all know this, a method to take us out of self.

I have been sober longer than I have been abstinant from bulimia and self-injury. I have had slips of both during this first year of sobriety, but am aiming towards progress from all as a whole. What I know is that I do not feel so hopeless as I did when I was active in all 3. Today I have a head full of my make-up, and a Creator that is helping me escape this entrappment one day at a time.

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful:
- that this year, on the 4th of July, I have my freedom (I was in a recovery home last year)
- Mel D and the similarities (even if they are sick) that we share
- Mitch and all of our animals
- Animal Planet and the company of my hyper cat Asia, she luvs watching this with me
- the pink slip from Toyota to my truck -- it is mine now!
- the Holiday weekend
- that I am a woman
- my experiences
- the World of the Fellowship and God
- year 2 of sobriety
- all of You

Chris R

2006-06-28T08:07:00.000-07:00

I washed my truck yesterday at the coin wash. I pulled aside to detail my truck (cuz I am an alcoholic and no one can wash my truck as good as I can, still working on the defects). This man in his 40s on a bicycle came riding along. The area was secluded, blocked off from the main street. He pulled out a paper bag, bottle top exposed, and began to medicate himself. He did not care that he was being seen by those cleaning thier cars. His priority was that drink, to get it down as fast as he could.

I am no different from this man, I know that need. I found something beautiful. I pray to God that he will venture to the rooms of the Fellowship and begin his journey some day.

XA Speakers has the latest experience, strength and hope from Chris R. If you have the time, please listen to this passionate man. He is pure truth to offer.

today i am so grAAteful for my life and the continuos balance I am feeling lately.

Friends

2006-06-25T18:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Mitch and I went to one of our good friend's wedding, WOW! He is a Jedi obssesor as we are and an oober geek like us! During the wedding the minister was speaking about Jesus and how Mark and Sarah asked for JC to be the center of their relationship. The commitment cerimony was so beautiful, I fought my tears back only because I did not want my make up to run. But seriously, I was feeling the serenity and power of two people commiting to one another touch my soul.

In my dark days I would be sooooooo pissed off that this minister would suggest any type of God-like idea to be the key, the center to their lives, marriage, and happiness. To me I felt the growth of my inner being on display with self yesterday as I have become to accept a God to my understanding. It is purely wonderful!

At the reception alcohol was EVERYWHERE. It was miraculous to say "no thank you" when offered a glass of some alcoholic beverage. It was nice to really be there for these friends that I love. Mark saw me at my worse and still loves me today and supports my sobriety as my other handful of "normie" friends do. There was no one there in program, but that was ok, I was there and so was my HP.

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful 4:
- Mark & Sarah's union with them and their HP, JC
- May & Mark C, and Shelle friendships and their love and support of me in recovery
- to not wake up with a hangover from the night before
- Mitch and all the laughter we can create together, I love him so much
- The balance that I am feeling all this past week and today
- my OCD being managable and not controling me
- The time spent today with Mitch & his dad (a late father's day)
- Our animals, and that Olive had a good time with her daddy when he took her down South to visit his friends
- That summer is here and I am cool with doing sober things, so many plans in the making
- All of you and the growth you offer through your blogging journals

hAAppy hAAlf nAAked thursdAAy

2006-06-21T21:50:00.000-07:00

No longer do I live in darkness. Do you see the Light? Come walk with us and never again will you have walk blocked from the ~Light of the Spirit~

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful:
- for the humility felt when I made an oopsie at work
- that I get to start a new day tomorrow
- for the email recieved from CB
- that Summer is here
- plans 4 Girl's Night out at a new AA meeting this Friday
- Laguna Beach (am hooked on this junk)
- that Mitch is taking Olive down to the OC to Boys days out
- my friends that visit me here, hey that is You!

See More of Us Show Off Our Stuff HERE!

In year 2

2006-06-18T17:32:00.000-07:00

I am dizzy from this weekend. Friday night at Crown City was comical but amazing. My family is quite a circus, but I am blessed that they are my family. I had 1 minute to jabber some non-sense. Before I spoke I kept asking God to speak through me. As I got up to the podium the words were guided by my HP, truly amazing! I felt it.

My homegroup gave me a 1 year medallion. I put it in the beautiful heart shaped silver holder my brother and his fiance gave me. Inscribed on it: "2006, 1 yr. Sober Brat." My mom got me this beautiful silver jewerly case, inscribed it says "Christina, The quality of an individual is reflected in the standards they set for themselves. Love Mom. 6-16-06. This is big for my Mom to express her emotions to me. Life has made her really hard, her method of survival is not of the nurturing type. She gave me a rosary at the meeting, blessed with a prayer from her. This is HUGE!!! You see, anytime my mom would speak of God, all my life, I ended the conversation right there.

I had to seek God through a hopeless state of mind. My family could not teach me God. I could not find him in a book. I am forever grateful to the Fellowship for helping me find my Higher Power, God. Now I need to work on getting the roles straight, I do mix his job and mine.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to all you Daddies!

2dAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful:
- the energy of my sponsor
- Mel D's love of a sober sister
- to feel the presence of God in my life
- that I no longer fear the idea that I can never drink again safely
- for our new bed from my Mom
- Domo Kun
- Mitch, our 4 cats, Budda, Nic, Asia & Boo Bear & our old lady Olive
- My mom, bro, aunt Ona, Trish
- Coyote Ugly re-runs
- You!

Psst

2006-06-16T15:13:00.000-07:00

Pssst, when you have a moment please drop in and say hello to Carla B. She has some good growth happening!

:)

God Shot this morning

2006-06-16T07:49:00.000-07:00

I usually stop by Starbucks before getting on the freeway and going to work. There is this really nice woman that works there. As she was ringing me out she commented on my necklace and said she had one like the middle, the triangle. Turns out she got sober in 93. Isn't that cool, I love when I discover someone in the program that was right under my nose. God is awesome!

I am sooo tired. I think I am being a cake whore this week. I am blessed to be a part of the Fellowship, to have entered the rooms and stayed -- just for today. Alice gave me my first cake at Ed's meeting on Tuesday, then I went to Casa last night and had 2 sober sisters give me my cake. Tonight my family will be giving me this honor at the big Crown City meeting (this was my first AA meeting ever), and tomorrow morning will be my sponsor and more sober sistas at the Sunrise meeting!

I fell in love with your pain and your joy. Last night was a prime event. The speaker at the Women's Stag is such a miracle. Her story gives me hope to those so lost on the Earth (um, my Dad). Some of her wreackage include rape, killing a man, having her childen live in crack houses . . . She told her story and smiled so much when telling, getting lost in the NOW. Why? Her daughter and grandbaby were there -- because of the Fellowship and GOD she is able to be a mom today, and do God's Will. She is able to use her past and help those still suffering. She is able to live free from that life that once was. My heart hurts that she experienced such horrible events in her life. No one should ever be exposed to such ugliness, but these are actual events that happen today, and will continue to many lost souls -- so much pain, we just want to be a part of and loved unconditionally. God kept her, did not give up and I am thankful that her life was spared . . .

todAAy i am thAAnkful & so grAAteful:
- the speaker, C last night at Casa and for her willingness and courage to tell her story
- for ALL of your birthday wishes. I speak about our wonderful online recovery forums and encourage others to be a part of.
- for the 2 other annual birthdays celebrated last night -- and little Yvette, only 18 years old and taking a cake.
- Casa De Las Amigas: these grounds are sacred, God has blessed this place so women have a place to go, a place to call home. This is where I grew up, internally. It is my home forever.
- the God shot this morning
- for my animals, that their shanan-agons can put me back into the NOW!
- that you have told me to "Keep coming Back"
- that I get to see heros and miracles everyday in Alcoholics Anonymous
- Bill W & Dr. Bob -- that God used them to help so many (thank you men for listening)
- the Oxford Group
- for 2DAY!

b-cuz of u

2006-06-13T08:45:00.000-07:00

I made it!!!

I am definite that there is absolutely no way that I could have made it, 365 consecutive sober days, in a row without this spiritual solution. The Fellowship introduced me to a God of my understanding, a Faith that my entire life I never trusted, never beleived, never FELT.

Because of you, I have life today; Because of you I am no longer alone in this battle; Because of you I fell in love with my life and yours; Because of you I am learning to turn it ALL over; Because of you I can cry and it is not out of self-pity; Because of you I laugh, giggle and smile so much; Because of you I bear no shame or guilt anymore; Because of you I am made accountable; Because of you I have 365 days 2 day and am going to continue to walk in the Light of the Spirit.

I made a birthday card for all of you, because today is just not my celebration. My journey is not done by self. I am a part of you, God's beautiful children.

2 dAAy I am grAAteful and thAAnkful that you are here, trudging the road to happy destinies and picking me up when I fall.

How u wanna look at it . . .

2006-06-12T09:42:00.000-07:00

Depending on how you wanna look at it, today is the Day of my Last Drunk (God, please help me to keep this by giving it all to you) and/or the Eve of my 1st Sober Birthday. Last year, this day, I was living in darkeness. Trapped by the voices that haunted the spirit of my soul, I was lifeless but wanted life so desperately. Never could I phantom I would be at the place of inner peace and serenity I encompass today.

My weekend was beautiful! Saturday Mel and Alexis had a party to celebrate their natal birthdays. So many people were there, sober and clean, having a grand time. My fall was catastrophic last year this day. In fact, I had many, but this was the day that FEAR showed up and was ready to engulf my entire being. These people, many at the party, are the ones that have picked me up, loved me despite all of me, and helped to give me life. They continue to do this today.

todAAy I have grAAtitude and am thAAnkful:
- for all the Hugs at the party, real tight true Hugs.
- that I said yes, after saying no 3 times, to playing Twister
- to God for introducing me to so many of his children (that includes you bloggars too!!!!!)
- being madly in love with such an un-selfish giving person. A bonus to being sober!
- the phenomenal gift of Sobriety & the Fellowship
- 4 Hope
- the fun, after fighting it, building the CSS & HTML structure for the LotaBurger website
- my career blooming, a result of working the steps and sobriety
- that today I made the big payment to pay off my truck. Thank you Mitch for helping me do this! I love my little softtop Rav 4!

No Human Power . . .

2006-06-09T07:55:00.000-07:00

Last night I heard a woman say that alcoholism saved her life in her teens. If she did not have alcohol, she would have been a teen suicide. I thought that was very interesting.

My grandma (my Dad's mom) recently took in my dad to live with while he attempted another life long attempt to get sober. He bailed. She does not have the knowledge of the disease the Big Book speaks about and is baffled by the simple idea "why can't my love save him?" I tried to explain to her that no love can save him, NO HUMAN POWER can save him. That is overwhelming to those family members affected by alcoholism. I remember begging my dad to please stop drinking one more time, I was 7. I am 30 now, and he is closer to death than ever. His death is slow, but I am powerless over it all. My love as a daughter cannot save him.

Last year I hit my Utimate broken state at this time, my denial crumbled, my truth revealed. I could not trust myself to not drink. The love of my family was not enough to keep me from daily drinking binges. I ask God that I never forget what that felt like, that I continue to be God conscious.

I am clear about step 1. I know that if I drink, I will die, maybe in a few months, maybe in a few years, but it is the exactness of my future. The rest of the steps are tools to help me get closer to this awe-inspiring Higher Power, God.

todAAy i am truly thAAnkful & grAAteful:
- Gratitude, Serenity, Humbleness & God -- these words are a part of my vocabulary 2day
- 2 give Mel a cake last night
- that Laury found her way back to Casa
- Jazz pumping delight into my ears
- the sober party 2-morrow to celebrate Mel & Alexis' natal birthdays
- I can screw up and admit my wrong doing
- 2 B in Love
- my animals, thier stubborness & the ability to laugh at it all
- to wake up sober, period!
- And *** hAAppy BirthdAAy JJ*** You are such a miracle!

"each day can be like a rose unfluring . . . some flowers will be more perfect than others . . . each stage of of the petals' unfolding can bring wonder and delight if I do not interfere or let my expectations override my acceptance."
DAILY REFLECTIONS p. 199

In the Light Again

2006-06-06T15:40:00.000-07:00

"...we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others."
Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

The solution to my dilema yesterday is simple. I stepped away from Faith yesterday, not a big step that caused me to fall but I did stumble a little. I am able to gracefully step back into the light today -- oh and how it illuminates my soul.

Last night I went to bed at 7:00 p.m. I woke up only to pee throughout the night. I woke up at 5:15 a.m. to get ready for work. That's like 10 hours of sleep. WOWSERS! I don't hear voices in my head anymore, I can sleep with no TV or radio on in attempt to mask out my ludicrousness thoughts. I love the harmony of silence.

todAAy I embrace grAAtitude:
- that God will do for me what I cannot do for myself
- I can listen to my body and mind requesting sleep to refresh it. I can sleep not because I am exhausted from a drunken state or because of the BPs episodes.
- that Mel asked me to give her a cake this coming Thursday
- that my sober sister Alice's comedy stand up rocked the roof top and that she is falling in love with a member that happens to have 20 plus years under his belt. WOW!
- my Mom, for showing me what to do and what not to do
- that my little brother is finding peace and acceptance of our spiritually sick father
- Christmas Cartoons
- Dark Chocolate
- tomorrow I will have 7 months of abstinence from Bulimia
- You, I cannot do this alone and need spiritual mentorship from those trudging along with me :) Thank you.

A little out of place 2day

2006-06-05T14:06:00.000-07:00

The worst I thought of my Grandma's dog is true, she is diabetic. This is not a death sentence but now there is a consideration of who is gonna give the insulin injections and who is going to continue to pay the vet bills. I can do so much, and feel as if I have opened a can of worms. Mitch and I sat yesterday and developed our budget, we are now buying the condo we live in and payments begin next month.

I am scared but excited. I live comfortably, and now have to be financially conscious over everything starting this month. Some of my spending habits are horrible. I know that I shop when I feel bad, and it is a quick fix that I have been working program on. I remember during the beginning of my sobriety I cried over shopping at one meeting when I shared -- today I know the right place to dump, with my sponsor and sober friends outside of the AA rooms, however my homegroup was so patient with me. One main reason I kept coming back!

So this weekend I put Chiquita on a wellness plan, she got vaccinated and had her stool tested. I am also paying for her to get a dental prophy, urinalysis, free office visits, etc (all under the Basic Wellness Plan). I also got her a box of Advantix. Now, I have 1 senior dog and 4 cats of my own -- my own obligations in addition to the new tight budget starting next month. I feel so HORRIBLE now, because I cannot afford to pay for all of Chiquita's medical bills -- the diabetic maintenence. In addition, I feel a resent has been forming. My cousin lives with my grandma. She is in her mid 30s, never has had a job, has no motivation to look for a job, is fearful of the world, blah blah blah. Enough of her inventory, I know she really is sick, and cannot blame her for not taking any efforts to help out my grandma financially. I love her and pray that she will discover some internal healing and courage. She really is a good person, but is a very lost soul.

I feel that this is a little life, and that by stating I cannot afford to pay for all of this does not make me wrong, but there is some part of me that feels hurtful (as if I need to find a way to take this on, to fund her medical bills). Nonetheless there are things in my life that I need to keep in order and be responsible. I need to discuss this one with my sponsor. One time she told me to stop fostering bottle fed kittens, that I needed to focus on my recovery plan and work with other alcoholics, not masking my fears of this by helping animals. I was so upset when she told me this, because she was Right.

I gotta pray about this and listen for God's direction.

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful:
- that God loves me even when I try to take His job over
- my sober sister's Mel's 1st year birthday today
- my sponsor
- that I am ok with not exercising for the past 2 weeks due to my work commitments (not feeling that consumed guilt)
- that next Tuesday, with God's grace, I will have 365 consecutive days of sobriety!!!
- Mr Incredible & his gift to me which allows me to pay off my truck 1 year early this week
- for the new bloggers, recoverygirll and teachable alcoholic.
- M&Ms and dark chocolate, a need each month 4 me and that need is right now!
- for everyone here that takes time out and read my post and supports my recovery.

not a SAD-turday :)

2006-06-03T08:42:00.000-07:00

Ok, finally I get some time again to blog. It is so beautiful this morning. It is going to be HOT today. Already we have the air on starting at 7:30 am.

Today I am taking my grandma's dog to the Vet. She is about 9 years now, and within a few months she has lost lots of weight. She is also overdue for vaccines. She is very hyper and drinks lots of H2O. At first I thought she may be diabetic. However I am now leaning towards a hyperthyroidism -- don't mean to sound like I am a Vet and have the diagnosis here. So, I am taking her to Olive's Vet and gonna put her on a wellness plan, get her teeth clean, updated on vaccines and blood work done. Because I am sober I can do this today. I can be a productive member of society and have a career, have a salary, and help my Grandma. She just turned 88 years old last month and is not able to care for Chiquita in such a way.

Tonight I am gonna Bar-B-Q. Yum! I love hanging out on the back porch. I need to get some more plant life out there but have trouble keeping them alive. :( I really need to take tips from Mary Christine and Gwen on how to care and love plant life. I try, but I can't be able to maintain their little lives. Sigh, the next step in my recovery I suppose.

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful:
- that I can be of service to my Grandma
- that Mitch & I are exploring new healing methods in our relationship
- for Darma and Greg; how a humorous personality makes a person so attractive and not the GLAMOUR way.
- my brother's engagement
- cooking -- that I don't have to obsess about binging and purging the wonderful meal and enjoy the process of it
- a very productive work week
- central air
- to smile and laugh at my cats hyperness when they get silly -- to see their tails get all puffy as they cause havoc in the house.
- watermelon and red grapes
- the onLine blogging recovery peeps

Is Charlie Brown one of us?

2006-05-28T10:12:00.000-07:00

I love Peanuts cartoons. I have come to the conclusion that Charlie Brown is one of us. He is determined and stubborn but consumed by anxiety and his shortcomings. He has many moments of disappointments and despair crying out "RATS!" When astonished or dismayed he yelps out "Good Grief." All he wants is to discover the meaning of life, perhaps a purpose? Nevertheless, I love Charlie Brown. He has a good heart.

Ok, I finally have time to do stuff I want to do. Work is crazy, but I am loving it. Production at my day job is almost over. Yay! My freelance gig, l that I am contracted with is now in shipping some of the packaging I have created. I am soooo excited. I got some samples of the product line last night. My career is evolving, and the fellowship is helping me to allow for this process.

Today I get to enjoy what I do, and being sober allows for me to allocate my time to being a part of life. I am not so obsessed with getting to the end goal, rather I am enjoying the JOURNEY getting there. I am learning to lower my expectations, and the results are beyond my prediction. The results are wonderful when I do not try to control them.

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful:
- to see Gale take a 1 year cake Friday night. We were in the house together last year. She is one of the handful that is getting this today.
- the friendship of trudging buddies Mel and Alexis. I love my sober sisters.
- for Kelly's response back to me on iChat.
- Air conditioning
- The courage to tell someone the truth about her self pity bout.
- Mr. Incredible and for our growth recently.
- Hearing an awe-inspiring message from Sue at Crwon City; that her story touched my soul; that I do not fear tearing up during a meeting.
- for the 202 club having AA marathons all day tomorrow
- 349 consistant days of sobriety
- 204 days abstinant from bulimia
- that I am back blogging and get to catch up on everyone's recovery.

hAAppy HNT - I see me

2006-05-18T10:24:00.000-07:00

hAAppy HNT!
Today I can look into the mirror and ACCEPT the reflection looking back at me. Today I can LIVE IN THE MOMENT -- my photography helps me with this. A picture captures a heartbeat in time. It is a reflection, a little piece of life timeline. This little piece has many other pieces. Each piece is very important. Together they string a unit. We are all a unit in life. We need each other to allow for the string to exist. Sometimes our strings snap, but we can become a "part of" the line again, it is always there.

My life is filled with completeness, just for today. Although I am not where I want to be, I am not where I was. I can live in today and not fear things that "could be."

BUZE-BEE
We are in production of an annual catalog event at work. I am pulling in a lot of hours. In addition I have a client that returned back into the country -- hence am working on launching one of my packaging designs. Because I am sober and abstinant from bulimia, my life does not revolve around it. I use to plan everything around my drink and food BPs (binge/purges). Today, I have time . . .

Check out some of my packaging layouts coming out: Here and Here.

I will catch up on everyone's blogs this weekend. I look forward to this. Today I am grateful for your presence in my recovery, for sharing love and support, and for suiting and showing up, no matter how much it hurts sometimes.

It's GREAT to be Alive!

There are no coincidences here!

2006-05-13T10:16:00.000-07:00

During the first month or so after asking someone to be my sponsor I felt I knew what was best for me. I was thinking of getting a new one. Why? Because I thought I knew the correct way that I should be sponsored. Her way was not my way. Needless to say I had lots of humility to experience. Wasn't it my best thinking that got me to Alcoholics Anonymous in the first place?

My GOD truly is working miracles in my life. Sometimes I feel sad, hurt, angry etc. This is OK. My negative emotions are not an indication of my progression, or more so the LACK OF progression. I can hurt, I can cry, I can feel like Poop, and I can still grow spiritually.

Drinking and bulimia took a lot of maintenence every day, every hour and every minute. My participation of these behaviors are symptoms of my disease -- a sick spirit. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonynous does not teach me how to "not drink." It teaches me how to live in the solution, it teaches me how to decompress the EGO so I can live life on life's terms, it shows me how to grow closer to the God of my understanding. Just as I needed to do things to maintain my bulimia and alcoholism, I need to do things to maintain my the sobriety and abstinance from bulimia. My soul needs spiritual medicine.

Yesterday my emotions were off. I was in an EXTEME funk. Action Action Action!!! I picked up my little sober sister and went to a meeting. Ahhh, some relief from self. I woke up and made it to Sunrise this morning. I sat next to a Casa girl (19 days thus far for her, no coincidence here huh?!?) -- she rose her hand and shared. She is so broken she could barely complete a sentence without tears. I got to express some unconditional love towards her. I got to be out of myself. As the meeting continued I got to see her tears turn to laughter. What a miracle to see.

After, I met with my sponsor and we had an astonishing spiritual moment. More release from self. I am thankful that I did not get in God's way early in my recovery and act upon my "OWN PLAN OF RECOVERY."

todAAy i have grAAtitude 4:
*** sponsorship
*** the courage to share my intimate pain with my sponsor.
*** that I can trust, get hurt, and trust again
*** the power discovered of one alcoholic working with another alcoholic
*** Humility
*** the time spent with Alexis last night at Crown City.
*** Old Timers and their message
*** the Newcomer
*** that I got to see Fin take a 6 month chip. I pray that she gets it this time.
*** this is a program NOT of self-pity
*** that I am in love today with a wonderful man; that our relationship has areas of imperfection; that imperfection is ok
*** my Mom's love & Aunt Ona's love & support
*** for you reading my post right now ;) & your support

Hi-5 2 5 senses

2006-05-11T15:26:00.000-07:00

I have been really busy with work events hence my lack of blogging this week. I have some great pics for HNT but was not able to get them up on time. There is always next week. :)

My blood is rushing right now because I just disccovered HCJ has a new addition to his resume. I am downloading Harry On Broadway Act I right now. His voice, I tell you, can take me to a new level. It is divine vocalization.

There are certain things that can take me to a place that is pure delight. My senses help me to do this. Today I am taking on my grAAtitude list a little differently.

todAAy i am thAAknful & grAAteful 4:

SOUND - I love Jazz. It stems from watching Peanuts cartoons, Loony Tunes, the Smurfs, etc. as a child. Harry helps me with this. Listening to Harry Connick Jr's voice is like taking a breath of fresh air in. Pure refreshment. It's like butter!
What is your favorite sound?

SIGHT - To see my Mom smile automatically brings a smile to my face. My mom has these beautiful natural teeth that just illuminate when she smiles.
What is your favorite visual experience? (Let's keep it clean, LOL)

TOUCH - I love petting my animals. Their fur brings a comfort to my soul. My dog is very soft, as if she never lost her puppy fur.
What do you appreciate about your sense of touch?

SMELL - Pumpkin, breathing it in puts color in my soul. It makes me feel bright, safe and like a child excited about the Holidays.
What is your favorite smell?

TASTE - Dark Chocolate. Need I say more?
What is tantilizing to your tastebuds?

This is short but I wanted to get some gratitude out there. I am curious to know your responses. I have visited only half of you today and will conitunue to do so later on this evening. Thanks for being here.

I can give Love!

2006-05-07T20:06:00.000-07:00

I made a little movie about my babies. We had Asia & Budda since they were a week old. We got to bottle feed them and nurture them. A few days after we got them, I woke up in a panic, I knew something was wrong. Asia was meowing in their crate as if trying to alert me of Budda. I discovered Budda was in labored breathing. I picked her little body up, so listless and cold. I took her to TLC (e-clinic), they placed an IV catheter and put her in the oxygen tank. Dr. Munson was truthful and told me most likely she would not make it. She was so little and not stable. She had fluid in her lungs, not good even for a healthy adult cat.

That was the first day I started my new job (where I work today). I still was sick and very active in my drinking. I had no God or any knowledge of program at the time. I was struggling at trying to get this sober thing right all by myself. I began to realize that I could not stop, I wanted to from the all my heart and soul, but, you know how it is. I did not want to loose Mitch, another job (I was fired a few months before from a great job for my alcoholic behavior), my animals, you know, all those things that the drink will take away. Least to say I was a mess.

Three days later Budda pulled through and we got to take her home. Today she is the most sensitive & submissive of all our animals -- strange given the fight she had at such a young age. Since then I have taken on 2 more kittens, Hope & Tank, built a website of the experience and found them homes. The experience was easier because I was in program (thank you God for sponsorship), and had Faith in God. I miss them and wanted so badly to keep them but I had to LET GO -- my love is not the only love.

Ok, I just wanted to share a little of my World with you, now on to my gratitude list:

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful:
- to see April take her year cake at Crown on Friday night & to be a part of the beautiful group of women that gave her the cake
- for Alexis, to be growing closer to her, to be able to tell her all of my secrets, to love and be loved by her unconditionally, to see her grow in her program
- that although I changed careers, I am so blessed that I have the knowledge and experience in veterinary medicine enough -- I really miss that environment
- for Mel's initiative towards creating the SIA meeting, for Mel's friendship
- for the Newcomer to the SIA meeting on Saturday and her courage to find recovery towards her self injury and eating disorder
- my email I got from newcomer blogger Leela, thank you for your courage
- that I know my mood is now due to pre-PMS :) -- SUCKS!
- that I am powerless over my period and activity of my ovaries, Blah!
- CC Deville, I get goosebumps and HOPE watching him in the SuREAL Life. I hope he gets it, I pray that he gets it.
- for all the recovery support, here in California and onLine

So sleepy but it is a sober morning ;) Happy HNT!!!

2006-05-03T21:09:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it is difficult to wake up each day, Monday thru Friday at 5:00 am to get to work on time. But, I still have gratitude b-CUZ:

- I GET to wake up sober, mind, body and soul
- I GET to go to a wonderful job
- I GET to start a new day
- I GET to smile and laugh
- I GET to grow, even if I stinks at the time
- I GET to feel the wonderful HOT water during my morning showers . . .

These are but a few of the things I GET to do because I am sober. See more of my sober friends RIGHT HERE ;)

A quick list 4 today . . .

2006-05-01T20:57:00.001-07:00

Tonight is the Eve of my natal B-Day. I took the day off of work and decided to take tomorrow off as well. I have been working on my portfolio, content to be home, enjoying having my animals around. I am pooped, just came back from Boot Camp -- I gave it my all, I was mentally there. I will ice my knee and eat Baja Fresh with no guilt about how many calories I am putting into my body. I feel wonderful.

I am ever so thAAnkful & grAAteful:
- for the small World of Recovery. My dear sober sister is Alice is discovering love. Her new love, I discovered, has 25 years in the program, is a professor at one of the colleges Mitch teaches at and is a dear friend of one of my biggest artistic mentors, C. Heinz.
- that I accept how God painted my body -- which my Boot Camp instructor complimented and called me a cookie face tonight.
- that I will have God in my life as I enter my 30s
- that my sponsor and her hubby sat next to me this weekend at Sunrise and I just love to see her smile. She smiles during the entire meeting, she is so darn cute!
- talking to my Mom on the phone today and hearing her voice
- all the sleep I got this weekend and my nap today
- that Mitch & I appreciate nature and spent the morning yesterday at the Hunington Park. Take a look at the beautiful pictures!

Our trip to the Hunington

I am sleepy and need to listen to my body. Good Night Yall, see you 2-mollies ;)

Blog having ISSUES

2006-04-30T19:05:00.000-07:00

Hey All,

My webhost is down (malicious code to one of the servers, they have been trying to fix this all day). My blog is only at 50%. I am hoping that this problem will be resolved at some point today. I will post as soon as it is up and running.

ARRGGGHH, patience and tolerance of others (or things) . . . once again I am powerless . . .

Luv,

SC

Congrats 2 Katy on 30 days!

2006-04-28T09:02:00.000-07:00

Katy,

Congratulations on your 30 days! You are a sparkle in my recovery and I am so grateful for your presence and journaling. You are such an inspiration!

Love,
Sober Chick

If anyone has a moment, Katy posted something really beautiful today and is celebrating her 30 days of success as a member of OA.

God Shot

2006-04-28T07:44:00.000-07:00

Last night the comittee in my head were negotiating -- uh oh. One of my, um, "character defects" happens to be spending money. My spending habits, since in recovery, have become some-what controlled. Sometimes they like to pop up -- I am powerless in Target. It is like the liquor store & I get in trouble there.

Anyhow, Mentally I was pumped to go to Boot Camp before the committe started session. The negotiations were between Boot Camp and shopping. Nevermind that I just cleaned my closet out of things I have bought, wore once and are packed in the garage waiting to be donated. If I really look hard, I have all I really need in my closet.

I closed the comittee down and went to Boot Camp (thank you God 4 the courage). I drove to the location. We were going off site to the Mt. Wilson Trail, so I parked my truck and got out to stretch while waiting for everyone to show. As I was stretching one of the Boot Campers comments on my license plate:

He said, "Right On." It turns out that he celebrates his first year of sobriety TODAY. Is this coincidence? I think not. We got to talk a little (b4 BC coach kicked us into gear). I was even more mentally fueled after this conversation. I applied this to my circuit training work out - YAAAAAAAAAH!

My God is so awesome. I feel the experience yesterday was his way of giving me a HIGH 5! So many wonderful things are happening at this time. Katy celebrate here 30 days today towards her struggle (and now victory) with food. My little sober sister celebrates her year May 5th; Mel gets her 1st June 5th and mine will be shortly after that. I am amazed that out of such Ugliness (the Dzs) so many wonderful things can happen.

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful 4:
- when I discover another alcoholic (in recovery) in my life there is this luminous energy that touches my soul
- Katy's post yesterday. She celebrates 30 days TODAY (in the success from binging). Her courage and energy in her recovery is refreshing.
- that tonight I am having dinner with my sober sisters at Tidal Wave. I look forward to laughing and the process of breaking down my FEAR of being a friend.
- Weight Watchers and the structure it gives me to my food intake
- today is Friday, I am leaving work early (to get my Crown put on) and that I can be honest with my supervisor and tell him I am calling in sick Monday but I really won't be sick.
- for my job. Last year I was falling so ill to my Dz. In one month I would announce my problem to Toby, my supervisor (mind you I was just hired a month ago last year at this time), and this was my first humbling experience. My employer wanted to help. My job was held as I went into treatment. I get tears writing this, because I am truly grateful and so blessed.
- my Mr. Incredible and our babies
- the great emails from mary christine, enjoytoday & JJ

It's That Time Again Folks -- hAAppy HNT

2006-04-26T22:44:00.000-07:00

Why are Thursdays so groovy - because we get to Celebrate who we are! And themSOME!!!

Check out other Celebrations by clicking where your mouse is HERE!!! ;)

No God, Know Fear; Know God, No Fear

2006-04-25T12:15:00.000-07:00

My beau's Mom sent me this (I read it, then read it again, and will continue to read it):

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.

For most of my life I thought I was intellectually better than God. How dare you associate me with adhering to a religious denomination or any Higher Power of the sort. My God loved me and waited for me to be ready to embrace His love. My thought was corroded with only the Self. Lethal, rotton, I was being contaminated by my own mind. Today my story is otherwise.

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful:
- for allowing the drink that almost killed me guide me to the embracing love of my God
- that I can go to sleep with silence in the bedroom; that I no longer need to find ways to shut off those voices that polutte my soul
- for the process no matter how difficult it may be; for the rewards during the process, they are subtle, but they are there
- my animals, that when I walk in the door there they are, happy just cuz I am home (ok, maybe cuz it is dinner time too)
- Trish and my Mom (and to see my mom smile yesterday, she is so beautiful)
- Alice D and all she does
- my beau and the laughter we share together each night (last night espicially, watching Dave Chappelle season 2, hehehehooohhaahahaa)
- for that wonderful feeling that follows by showing an act ok kindness
- cartoons and the music in the background; for ability to still hold the child in me (below, this is what's playing in the background as I post) . . . look Tab, anything familiar here? Heheheeh.

- 316 days of sobriety & 171 of abstinance from bulimia

Weekend Blessings

2006-04-22T15:39:00.000-07:00

I had dinner Friday night with 2 of closest sober sisters Mel and Alexis. I love them so much. We laughed so much talking about how it use to be pulling off all our sick Shinanigans. We are only a handful left of women that went through the house around this time last year.

I remember when I had 2 weeks (I was in primary care then) they told us it was a fact that most of us would not make it. "Look to your left and look to your right, only one of you may be here in a year." No way I said. It was the truth, soon my sisters started dropping like flies.

So why us, why are we still here? At first I was terrified that I had not reached that point of complete desperation that forced many to go back out. But I am no different than that person locked up as a result of his/her alcoholic actions. I suffer from a spiritual malody that only a spiritual solution can remedy. I am grateful that there is a solution for all that clatter that exist in m head. My life today, even in early recovery, is staturated with blessings.

Saturday night Mitch and I had a wonderful dinner at Tidal Wave. I was excited to have the beautiful sound of the Czardas (the song playing is from their CD, "Never On Sunday") beaming relaxing therapy into my soul. Of the Trio, only 2 were playing but they still sounded magnificent. I learned that the 2 there were Father and daughter, Brian & Rebecca (leader of the trio, Gary was away). I felt so beautiful after talking to them -- this feeling caused by seeing their relationship and how music plays a role in it. I felt this energy and goodness within by the simplicity of seeing this relationship. Although I will never have this type (or any type) of relationship with my Father (jails, institutions or death, he is well on his way, roaming the streets halucinating today -- all what the Big Book tells me) I can have this for my children, 2 loving parents.

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful:
- that I will be entering my 30s sober with God's grace and love
- That I have 2 wonderful trudging buddies whom I love and are teaching me to be accountable for my actions
- That tonight I will be going to Casa to give my sober sister April (she gets a year May 5th!) my donos (donations). She puts them to good use.
- That I got to speak to my Uncle and help him with some concerns about his Bunny
- My Mom, that she did the best she could and that 2day I love her for who she and do not obsess at what she is NOT.
- For my new iDOG, take a look, I am a new Mommy

- Spongebob Squarepants, Charlie Brown, the simple fact that I love watching cartoons
- Mitch and our furballs
- That self pity does not rule me; and I pray daily that my father will discover what I have and realize the gift of life. My gratitude here is that I do not WOO-IS-ME about not having a father. I am grateful for Hope!
- The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and Bill W's story. Although he could not keep another alcoholic sober at first, he was staying sober.
- The chilie California weather (yes, I am a weakling, 65 degrees is considered cold inmy book)
- You blogging peeps & the new Sobriety Society (hope I got the link right this time) oooh man and to see it grow . . .

I Listened 2 The Right Voice, It Was Not Mine

2006-04-21T09:17:00.000-07:00

After Boot Camp last night I was driving home, then I heard this voice in my head that was not mine. I listened . . .

I am learning to trust the right voices that echo in that thing that gets me in trouble. I heard a voice telling me that I should go to a meeting. I listened to God's direction and went to the Womens Stag at Casa. I have not been to this meeting in months. The secretary was in relaspe mode, the speakers, I felt, spoke mostly based on opinion (hah, and this is my opinion) and I began walking away from that meeting feeling worse than when I got there. So I stopped going.

And so God is awesome when I listen and do. The speaker last night was LIT!!! A good lit. She celebrated 20 years and spoke from the Big Book steps 1 - 6. I believe that God speaks through people, and I was to be in that chair, at that time, to hear what I needed to hear. Sometimes I sit at meetings and what I hear is all that crap in my own head. I am still learning how to, um, ignore it -- it is all spiritual process I must remember.

Today I am so blessed that I have this Dz. I can NEVER take a drink again. Wait a second, ok, I can drink again at any given time but I could NEVER drink SAFELY again. This is my truth. I have not hit the rock bottoms that many speak of during meetings. However it is all relative. My rock bottom was enough for me to take action, I was desperate enough to seek a different solution that was other than my own. I know if I enable the drink back into my life there is no more God and there is always a rock bottom beneath my rock bottom.

todAAy i am grAAteful & thAAnkful:
*Step 3
"Made a decision to turn our will (What I Want) and our lives (What I Have) over to the care of God as we understood Him."
* I got to see Mary, my house manager while I was in sober living, take a 4 year cake
* The Fellowship that allows me to see my Truth
* That I can listen to the similarities, not the differences of those in the fellowship
* All the hugs I got last night from my sisters
* April, my little sober sister (with the most contagious energy). We shared the Garden room at Casa together. She, along with Alexis, helped me to discover my God -- to abandon that fear of 29 years which prevented me from having a God.
* Jazz and how it transmits in my emotional state
* Of course Mr. Incredible, Budda, Asia, Basa Boo, Nic and my old lady friend Olive
* SSG. Eric LeClair and all the Elite Fitness Bootcampers
* That it's FRIDAY
* The Sobriety Society , thanks Scott along with dAAve
* All of you. You help to ignite the light in my recovery.

Boogie Oggie, It's Good 2B Alive!!!

2006-04-19T22:27:00.000-07:00

Half Naked and Half Awake b4 my coffee fix - oh wait, it's hAAlf nAAked thursdAAy -- Time 2 BOOGIE!!!

See more hAAppies like this . . . right HERE!

Fear, NO MORE!

2006-04-18T16:07:00.000-07:00

"All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right."
12 Steps and 12 Traditions, p. 49

Before I walked into the rooms of AA, I thought my self-will was my only weapon in the war against my alcoholism and bulimia. I was strong in many other avenues in my life, yet I could not claim victory over this battle. Each time I would fight, I would get beaten down by the Beast. This loss generated so much FEAR. The FEAR increased after each failure. The Beast grew strong and it wanted to destroy me, all of me.

Then there came a day when my tactics began to evolve in this battle. All I had to do was surrender. By surrending to this war no longer would I have to shelter this FEAR. It was not just about me anymore. I do fight a battle each day but it is not aimed at alcohol or bulimia. My battle (an energetic attempt to achieve something;), along with my fellow recovery soldiers, is to grow spiritually each day. Our weapons: AA & the 12-Steps -- all guided by our own interpreation of an Higher Power.

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful 4:
* A solution that is spiritual, little did I know
* The ability to listen, read and write
* The happiness I feel today -- that I can feel sad and still continue to walk
* Boot Camp, Session 2
* My beau, 4 cats and Dog (and that she is not having diarrhea anymore, poor mommas)
* My mom and my brother -- my Big Book my brother bought for me at my first AA meeting
* Laughter, Laughter, Laughter
* The fellowship Live and onLine.
* That I have a God to my understanding today

Sober Casting 4 the 21st Century

2006-04-14T22:03:00.000-07:00

I am so grateful that I have come accross this healthy entity of onLine recovery. Back in the day when Bill and Dr. Bob were giving the message away I bet they never would have imagined this (us, here, right now). Now, I am not suggeting that this replace the meetings of AA, the 12 steps and all that jazz (that which allows us to walk our own defined spiritual journey), I am expressing how exciting it is to be a part of this "sobriety society" thanx dAAve. There is absolute no such replacement for the human interaction of one alcoholic speaking to another.

The Recovery forums allows us to journal and share our experience, strength and hope in a "different" way. I did not write about all that mumble jumble stuff in my head until I became willing in these blog forums. I saw you get honest; I wanted this! I saw you on a bad day but you continued to walk; I wanted this! I saw you support each other; I wanted this! I saw you made each other laugh; I wanted this! I saw your gratitude towards life; and yes, I wanted this too!

I am so fortunate that my career involves technology. When I am at work I am able to get plugged into Alcoholics Anonymous. Sometimes I give myself a break and play jazz or, um, my "Just a Kid" playlist. But I am usually surfing on XA Speakers downloading a QT audio file to feed my mind. Today I discovered that there is a Recovery Podcast of Joe and Charlie and a few other step studies on iTunes. SAWEEEET! I have recovery at my finger tips, it is ubiquitous.

And with that, I decided to put my alcoholic 2 sense in. Ha!

tonight i am thAAnkful & grAAteful 4:
* HNT and all the laughs I got
* That feeling of eupohoria I get from laughter
* All the new people that stop by my blog and express a reaction
* The rain pouring outside -- listening to the rain drops dance on the ground
* Alice, my sober sister that I truly feel God wanted me to meet. I will save this story for another day.
* The 3rd Step prayer and prayer alone.
* That I am working on my meditation, trusting it is a process to my spiritual growth
* Joe and Charlie Big Book Study
* That is fridAAy and I am looking forward to waking up early and hanging out at bean Town with Mitch
* For all the recovery onLine and how each day I look forward to learning from you and about you. :)

hAAppy half-nAAked Thursday

2006-04-13T07:51:00.000-07:00

Because I am sober & have God I get to experience Love; I get feel wonderful things; I get to live in a colorful World; I get to Live Each Day with Gratitude.

Check out more sober peeps HNT

No More Morning Burdens

2006-04-11T15:13:00.000-07:00

Mitch must have forgotten about my dentist appointment this morning at 8:50 am. Each morning I leave for work at 6:45 am. He comes barging in our room, turns the lights on and in a panick wakes me up. He says I am late to work. I giggled and calmed him and reminded him why I was in bed still.

This use to happen all the time back in the "Dark Days!" Still drunk from the night before Mitch would have to baby sit me out of bed so I could get ready for work. He would start the shower, turn the lights on and help me get ready. We were both so sick even though he did not drink. I remember how hard it would be to open my eyes, head pounding, dry throat, quick breaths - this was only the physical part. The mental part would soon follow. Shame and guilt would take me, it rested heavily on my shoulders. Panic would set in; what did I say, did I leave any food in my stomach; did I email anyone? The remedy to my state at that time was not God, it was a bottle of Rum. Yes indeed that would carry me through each day, each hour, each minute.

Today I can wake up on my own and enjoy the beautiful mornings. I wake up owning no such burden of shame and guilt from the day before. I can look into the mirror and see a life that is no longer lifeless. I can breath, see, feel, hear and touch life, it is ALL around me. I am blessed for each new day. I am blessed to know that I am a child of God as are you.

todAAy I am grAAteful and thAAnkful 4:
* My Mr. Incredible Mitch and that I do not mistake Mitch for being my God
* That I can admit I am powerless over my life, just for today
* My dental insurance, root canal and the pain today that could help me to make better decisions about the sweets I put in my mouth. Ok, in all honesty I am not sure if I can give up sweets. Like an active alcoholic, the pain and "low end" consequences (my life is not on the line, my teeth are however -- this is my sick mind speaking) are acceptable. I am not ready to give up sugar or sweets. I know am powerless though.
* I am tahnkful that I still have all my teeth given 11 years of bulimia and the acid
* My memory of pain as an alcoholic, may God allow me to keep this
* The iChat I just got right now from my sober sister Alexis. She is so special to me . I met her at Casa. She was one of the first women I allowed to see my truth, the entire me.
* The new bloggers I am meeting that struggle with food as I do.
* Humility. I posted earlier today on Coffee Bitch's post about how I thought I was better than God and was gonna find a smarter way to get sober. HAHAHAHAHA, what a FOOL I was.
* I am grateful and thankful for this onLine recovery energy! I read everybody's posts, and you are so beautiful. You may be in a funk or on a cloud, but you are still walking in the Spirit of the Light. Thank you for being here.

So many gifts in Sobriety

2006-04-09T20:55:00.000-07:00

I love this gift of sobriety. Today I got to spend most of my day participating in an event called orienteering. I have avoided this because I am horrible with directions and the challenge is quite physical. My avoidance has been based on fear; fear of learning something new; fear of getting lost; fear of boredom; fear of competing with others; fear of not meeting my own expectations.

All my fears proved to be wrong! I was willing (thank you AA) to take myself out of my comfort zone and accept something new. I did not allow my expectations to consume me. The result, I gave myself permission to have fun, to learn the art of orienteering and explore God's gift of nature. Along with Eric (my teacher for today) and Mitch, we walked, hiked, and climed the land around Griffith Park completeing 2 courses!

Today I walked away with an experience. AA allows me to be a part of something, to have purpose in life. I am inspired to live life with gratitude and serenity everyday by those walking the spiritual path. I am discovering similar gifts by being a part of the Elite Fiteness Program. There are individuals there that are beautiful, and do these activities because it promotes a mental and physical healthy life style.

The bottom line, last year at this time I could not do this. The bottle would call to me, tell me I need no one but it. It was very selfish as I was selfish with it. I was living but not alive. Today, I am A-L-I-V-E.

todAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful:
* The gift of sobriety
* Eric, a wonderful man, and his ambition to help others; Elite Fitness Activities
* Mitch and his little comment that was so cute today, "are you thinking?" as I blurted out something after silence -- what an Al-Anon. I love him so.
* My old lady friend Olive -- had her 6 month comprehensive exam and has a clean bill of health.
* Our 4 cats, despite Asia having poop on her but and dragging it on the bed. LOL, gotta love um.
* The desire to not to alone (most of the time)
* My experiences at Casa and the life long friends I have met there.
* Ed's meeting and the wonderul recovery there
* Candles and how they illuminate my evenings
* My health
* All the recovery onLine. You inspire me to live each day in completeness.

A few weeks ago I asked God to enter my soul, again. I prayed for His presence in all my affairs. I am grateful to God for loving me each day; Him loving me for being human. I am grateful that my God never stops loving me even when I forget to love myself.

hAAppy 16 yeAAr birthdAAy Trudge!

2006-04-05T21:34:00.000-07:00

hAAppy birthdAAy Trudging !!! Eat up before it's gone!

Obsession comes in many shapes

2006-04-04T21:14:00.000-07:00

I have been reading other blogs that deal with some of the behaviors that I have acted upon: Bulimia and Self-Injury. It hurts my heart to read where some of these women are. Many are active in their obsession and are so lost. They are screaming for a solution and have yet to discover it. I remember that pain. The shame and guilt all borne from the secrets. How could I dare let anyone know who I was? How could anyone love this person that did these things with food, sharp objects and of course, alcohol?

These women continue to fight. Though they do not know this yet, they are showing tremendous courage by writing about it. It took me so long to blurp out the acts I did, alone. The first time I announced I was an alcoholic was at my first AA meeting of 400 people. They asked those who were new or had 30 days or less stand and state what and who you are. How Cruel I thought. I believed that I would get kicked out if I did not do this. My voice cracked as I fought the tears and forced the words out loud.

Today is different, and I don't own the shame. I don't lie in a bed of self pity. I have God and the fellowship, it's not just me anymore. What a relief! HA! I am thankful to God that I can still remember those horrible feelings. They will keep me close to Him and His children.

I visit some of these women hoping to spark an ounce of hope, hoping they will continue to reach out . . .

todaAAy i am thAAnkful & grAAteful 4:
* A spiritual solution
* My physical strength and all 5 senses
* Funks
* Mitch, Our Babies, my mom and brother
* The Rain and how it cleanses everything
* My dental insurance
* All the onLine recovering Peeps - Honesty and courage through others
* Chocolate, especially dark. I am totally powerless over it daily :)

*** 296 Days Sober
*** 6 months 2-DAY ABSTINENT from bulimia

The Truth

2006-04-03T15:26:00.000-07:00

Getting back to the routine here on Monday. I am so refreshed from taking this past Thursday and Friday. I was not very productive and you know, I am not housing guilt because of it.

I was suppose to do my 4th step yesterday and meet my sponsor at her office at 2:00 pm. All morning I pondered what little white lie I can tell her to get out of it. I did not have it done. My time management was not structured resulting in an incomplete 4th step. In my head I did not define my future action as a "lie." I was just trying to be clever about my approach -- Ya Right!

It never occured to me to just tell her the truth -- I got caught up in doing nothing these past 4 days and have not completed my 4th hence am not ready. I sent an email and somehow I wrote truthfully about the status of my 4th. Then we spoke on the phone shortly after and everything is ok. I did not "have" to be dishonest, there was no reason. So why the idea to think that I needed to lie? I do not fear my 4th step, I am actaully looking forward to, as one sober sister put it, "getting the poison out." There is fear there, only it is in my word of not being ready, suited up and present. It is failure to complete an action on my part. I do not want to disappoint her. However I realize the disappointment lies in how I handle the situation. I had the choice to accept my failure or deny it by lying (of course only I would know and I DO NOT want to shelter this behavior). Acceptance is my responsibility and allows me to be human.

"We finally saw that the inventory should be ours, not the other man's. So we admitted our wrongs honestly and became willing to set these matters straight."
April 3rd, Daily Reflections

Rainy Day but not on my soul

2006-04-01T07:37:00.000-08:00

I slept all night on of the windows open so I can hear the rain fall during my dreams. It is raining again this morning, have my coffee here, my animals are roaming about and I have a clear conscious. I feel so much love around me.

We went to Crossfit last night and every body part is so sore. I love Eric's motivation and everyone who was there to benefit their health. My ideas about training in the gym have totally changed -- no more weight lifting or using the cardio machines. I cannot measure my level of fitness and have come to the realization how weak my core is. The willingness to change my ideas and walk through the fear of a "different" type of physical fitness program than the one I only knew is a result of the being in the program. Before it would be my way is the only way. Ha!

todAAy i am thankful and grateful 4:
* God's love and grace
* Being Teachable and being wrong
* Being a woman, my height and my freckles
* The beautiful rainfall
* Bootcamp
* My health and ability to have all body parts functioning
* Hope and those who have walked the path before me
* Budda, Asia, Boo Bear, Nic and Olive
* Mitch and that feeling I get when I see him smile
* Sadness so I can appreciate when I am happy
* All the onLine blogging recovery PEEPS!

hAAppy 1 yeAAr birthdAAy to you!

2006-03-29T20:51:00.000-08:00

hAAppy birthdAAy to Motorcycle Mike! He has One year today, a non stopping 365 days. What a miracle and inspiration.

I was inspired to create this card by a little recovering peep I know as Anonymous Alcoholic. She is a great inspiration for recognizing the footsteps we take.

God + Recovery = Gratitude

2006-03-29T10:53:00.000-08:00

I went to Ed's meeting last night. I shared and was honest about my "funk." I felt vulnerable, isolated in a room full of 12 other alcoholics. It's like I can't let anyone see that I am feeling sad or anything else besides a happy, joyous and free recovering alcoholic. I feel that I have to wear a smile on my face and create the illusion that I am working a "Perfect" program.

I know this will pass. I have to remind myself this entire thing is a process. I was instructed to begin making gratitude lists. I see many of you online recovering peeps do this. I will attempt to follow in your footsteps.

todAAy i am grAAteful 4:

~ Budda Belly and our morning routine. She hangs out with my in the bathroom while I get ready 4 work.
~ Ed's Meeting: Alice D and her hug last night and the few words "How's my girl?" & Jimmy C, 4 making me laugh and feel welcomed last night.
~ My animals and each night they wake me up because of nocturnal behavior
~ That today is my Friday. Taking the next 2 days off to celebrate Mitch and my 2 year anniversary. Seems like we have been together so much longer. Guess that is what happens when Alcoholic meets Al-Anon. LOL
~ Bootcamp and the soreness I feel today from the Murph Circuit training (Apparently Murph did these with a 45 pound bullet proof vest and regular gear during war, TORTURE!!!)
~ All the onLine peeps in recovery and showing me, one day at a time, how it is done.
~ The new blogging Peeps I am meeting
~ The new coffee machine in the lobby that is free, 10 flavors and frothy. WOW, I am in Heaven!
~ Weekly dinner at Tidal Wave with Mitch. I embrace the Czardas live music. This is one of my favorites they play:

I can feel the presence of God

2006-03-26T17:19:00.000-08:00

One day at a time. Yesterday I woke up with my mind in full bloom of all the things I "have" to get done. In reality, I really did not "have" to do anything -- my mind argued this and the illusion that my life will be in order once the floors are mopped, counters wiped, draweres organized, etc I yielded to. I forced myself out of bed. I bathed Olive, took over 2 hours, started to feel better. Still so many things that are irrelevant to the core of my happiness made me feel ill. I made it to coffee with some close friends I graduated college with. They all know I am in recovery. I was close to canceling, I did not want to go. Why, because isolation seemed more inviting. The need to fix my environment appeared to be paramount. Yuck! I went and was 30 minutes late because I had to sweep and mop the floors. In the end, it felt so darn good to see them and once I was out of my environment I was OK.

I started to perk again throughout the day, those clouds were dissipating. Had a wonderful dinner with Mitch. We then took Olive to the park and I broke down, again. Arrgggghhh. I talked to God last night. I feel I am having a hard time embracing His presence in my life. I feel disconnected. Last night I asked Him to enter my being again, to please search my heart and help me embrace His love.

I was inspired by Friday's speaker at Crown to search for the presence of God daily in my life. Saturday night it began even before I prayed. I heard it at dinner through Mitch's voice. With the environment loud, his voice raised creating a certain tone I am attractive to. With his head slightly tilted I had a glimpse of a sparkle in his eye with the scar. The blood in my veins warmed my soul, I was out of myself. Most of the time I cannot or do not see it. I was alive in that single moment and felt the presence of God. It happened again today as I looked at my dog, Olive, and felt her beauty. She lay on the bed, I was mesmerized by her statue, her cold black wet nose, the contrast of her white hair on her muzzle against her shiny soft black coat, again I felt God.

The power of prayer, when it is from my heart, is amazing. I woke up this morning and felt different. I went to Sunrise, heard many things that God needs me to hear today, right NOW. I was able to speak to my sponsor after the meeting and again there was God -- I was seeing, feeling, smelling God. I told her about my extremes, my funk and that my OCD-like behavior is consuming all of me -- it is a big part of my extremes. I am a slave to it, my World stops and moods alter immediately when I get the NEED to fix things, to clean and correct, to massage all objects in their place around me. The thoughts are so irrational, and echo in my head like a scratch on a CD. They stop me in my tracks. It is getting worse daily and quickly. It is everywhere I step foot in. I broke down to her and confessed about my evaluation appointment I have this Thursday. She had some wonderful things to tell me and I cannot express the gratitude I have for her in my life.

todAAy I am grAAteful 4:
* God and His Grace
* Mel and Alexis, the few of us that still remain sober from the house 9 months ago and the opportunity to trudge with them
* Ed's meeting and all the people and recovery there
* Mitch and his unconditional love and support for me through all my ups and downs
* My kick ass sponsor, how blessed I am to have a wonderful mentor
* My normie buddy's, May A whom I can get honest with and have no fear that she will judge me, Mike B who makes me laugh and supports my search for God, Shelle L for being my "dude"
* Budda, Asia, Nic and Boo Bear (our 4 monster cats)
* Boot Camp and Eric's energy and motivation
* My health minus my Baker's cyst -- but I know it could be much worse
* All the blogging peeps, I speak about this entity often and am blessed to be a part of it
* Growth and being teachable

Still sober and abstinent -- thank you God for loving me even when I fail short to love you back.

In light of nAAked thursdAAy . . .

2006-03-24T15:20:00.000-08:00

Peeps around the World are being exploited!

Watch the show down here!

Lonely Peeps No More!

2006-03-22T22:07:00.000-08:00

It is Pure Sugar but most of the time it feels like a spiritual experience, yuuuuuuum!

The Peep That Once Was :(

Checking In . . .

2006-03-20T21:12:00.000-08:00

Have a migrane tonight. My head has been pounding all day. Boot Camp helped for a bit, had no time to feel my head pain. There was other pain to focus on! LOL

I am feeling better today. I was able to break down the other night. I layed in bed, turned over and cried, for no reason. This is so weird. Mitch has been so supportive, again, why am I feeling so sad? I have not one thing to be in the gloom about.

Friday I commited to plans with Mel and Alexis. I did not want to go. I wanted to stay home, alone, naving on my Mac. I went. We ended having dinner in S. Pasadena at the Cheese Cake Factory. It was wondeful. I am so glad I went. These girls are so special to me. We are among the handful that are still clean and sober from the 30 something girls that were in the house 9 months ago.

Mel was telling me (she read this) that at the 9 month mark a woman experiences a stage of "funk." Many of the girls from the recovery home we went to are out, gone, relapsed just before the year mark. This is such a scary fact. You know, although I feel so sad I do not have the obsession to act out on any of my old behaviors. I am still exploring this state of depression and am grateful for everyone's feedback -- whether it is for or against. I know the topic in AA is touchy.

I will blog you all back soon. I want to tonight, but my head is pounding and nasea is lurking in the background.

Still sober and Abstiant and still grateful through the clouds that hover above me.

Made the Appointment

2006-03-16T14:11:00.000-08:00

Feeling beautiful . . .

. . . then it gets ripped from me. Nothing has changed but everything has changed. I am so tired of these "moods." I am baffled that I cannot control them. Many of my people suffer from depression, a chemical imbalance. I was on Paxil my late teens for depression and bulimia. I took myself off. It did not help.

Today I understand more about me. I have been through so much therapy and it has been suggested many times to get evaluated again. I have avoided it because of my experience in the past. However, I have a better understanding of who I am through AA and OA. This and my spiritual growth has helped tremendous, but I am thrown by the abrupt mood changes.

10 years later I want to explore the possibilty of medication. Today I have a head full of AA (and Dr. Drew). Yes, I am dealing with life on life's terms, but there is something within that switches the light off/on with my mental state. The great thing is that I can "try" this different solution. If it does not work then I can stop or accept that I am just plain crazy. LOL.

I am interested in anyone's thoughts about this -- anti-depressants and such. I know many oppose to the idea but I'd still like to know of your opinions. Thanks for being here all!

9 Months!!!

2006-03-13T07:29:00.000-08:00

My truck is sick and did not start this morning. My brother is coming by after work to trouble shoot it. Meanwhile, I get a day off from work! The day is beautiful here. The rain cleared away all the smog. I am in the office and it looks like the Foothills are in our backyard.

Went to a meeting yesterday morning and was lifted from mini funk. You all are so right -- I have not been able to get to meetings lately and finally being there was medicine. I saw some of my sober sisters and heard some great messages.

Today marks my 9 months!!! This makes me feel wonderful. I remember sitting at my 2nd AA meeting ever and learning that I could never drink again, that is I can but not safely. That scared the $%&# out of me. Never drink again, me, no way. I had a bottle of RUM in my glove waiting for me after the meeting. That single thought was such a high. HOWEVER, once that first drink entered my body all happy illusions were proven to be ill.

I am truly grateful for all your messages. Opening it up put a grand smile on my face and I feel really special, that I truly belong and like Scott mentioned, I am reminded that I am not alone.

Ouch

2006-03-10T18:27:00.000-08:00

I am reading some of these blogs and am being forced to get honest. I don't think I can be honest sometimes. I have to walk around with a smile on my face being unaffected by life's daily events. I don't curse or vent so when something little happens, I flip out. Do I have to do this? This is what I know, how I have trained myself to be.

Today something little happened but it threw me. I was so upset I embedded my nails into my forearm. I did not know any other way. This terrifies me, what happens when LIFE really shows up. What do I do with my anger? I am a walking timebomb.

A bundle of Mess

2006-03-05T08:17:00.000-08:00

Ugh,

Having a horrible morning. My period is lurking to arrive any moment. All emotions are intensified. I feel icky, this cold is annoying. I wake up this morning, and immediately adopt all those voices in my head.

Need to do laundry, clean the floors, wash my truck, take a shower, blah blah blah. As I was trying to organize my clothes on my side of the closet these IKEA boxes fall. We have yet to put them up, this annoys me. So I grabbed them and yanked them out of the closet very aggressively. Mitch is getting ready to go and teach walks over calmly to me while I am stuck in my World (which is my SICK head) and acting upon my emotions -- all that I feel.

He takes the boxes and puts them out of my environment. He comes back and proceeds to communicate with me. I wish not to do this or be touched and start to fight his gestures. Suddenly I let an ounce of my resistance go. Yah, that is what I did, I let go. He hugged me, was empathetic to all my emotions and irritability, and continued to hug me so tight. As he did I allowed myself to be in that very moment. I forgot about where I was at just seconds ago.

As he hugged I told him what I was feeling, and how I could not get CONTROL of my emotions. He suggested that maybe I need not to try so hard to control them. I may be creating disappointment for myself.

After this moment I was ok, at a much different place then I was only minutes ago. I was able to LET GO. I still feel like crap, runny and chapped nose from blowing every minute, sneezing and trying not to all over my monitors -- but I have a sense of calmness. What echoes in my head is how blessed I am to have this man in my life.

I love my Al-anon. I am not sure if I could do what he does. I know I can be a drunk, an alcoholic at best. He so simple, unselfish and giving and patient, like it comes so natural to him. I gotta work hard to get there, and them some! I seek to eliminate those feelings, they are so intense and over bearing. I found it in drinking, cutting and purging. Now, I am learning to find it in the simple things, like my experience this morning.

Thanks for listening. I love this community and everyone that post here. I love reading your blogs, learning about you and being inspired by your experiences. On that note, here are some pics of this wonderful man I am blessed to have in my life.

A week after our first date. This was at a club in Old Town Pasadena over 2 years ago. I just graduated from college, was offered a great job (which I would be fired from a year later due to my Dz) and fell in love. It was a true alcoholic meets al-anon beginning. Mitch told me he loved me this night (1st time). I, of course, out drank him and many of my normie friends here. I did not cross that line yet at this time, but I was venturing towards a true alcoholic.

Here is Mitch helping raise Budda and Asia. He is very nurturing. They are big monsters now and love to sleep on his chest at night.

Me, Trish (Mitch's mom), and Mitch. This was taken last night. Mitch and I went to dinner (I had to get out). When I was at Casa Mitch and Trish would bring me food (was fighting my bulimia then and was abstinent) and send me cards and letters. I had so much shame back then that I brought such ugliness into their lives. They loved me unconditionally, supported me, and did not leave me. I no longer carry the shame and guilt, but I can take myself to that place for a moment, because I CANNOT forget what is was like.

Checking In :)

2006-03-03T19:35:00.000-08:00

I started this last night, then elected to hit the sac! I am feeling soooooo much better this morning.

March 3rd, 2006
Feeling sick -- just checking in. I think this one is gonna take me down. My entire body aches and my throat feels like I have been puking -- the acid burning sensation. Ew, this is one familiar physical feeling I do not miss with the drinking or purging.

Am taking care of myself. Had a partial root canal done on Monday. Waiting for a referral. My root is curved. However I feel such a relief on that tooth after the dentist cleaned it out for the time being. Had an ultrasound on my legs and blood taken. Not sure what is happening with the swelling. I thought it was a combo of Bootcamp and my period. Doc suspects it may be a cyst behind my leg.

On the brighter note, I got my new G5 at work and got my MacBookPro on Tuesday. I am styling and profiling. I love my Apple toys!

My side of the office at Home Sweet Home

Mitch's Side

On an even BRIGHTER note I am sober and abstinent. I am so jazzed that I will be sober, with God's grace and the fellowship (seen too many get comfortable then slip, I MUST remember always what it was like, how I lived in darkness) I will be sober as I turn 30! God and sobriety are awesome!

hAAppy hAAppy hAAppy HNT

2006-02-23T08:01:00.000-08:00

Those things I cannot change about me. Acceptance is key, my HP painted my body with marks likes these -- kinda looks like bird poop eh?

Check out HNT

Starbucks

2006-02-22T19:49:00.000-08:00

Took Olive to the park, then we went to Starbucks. Got Mitch a venti peppermint mocha and a grande java chip Lite (key word) for me.

To help treat my alcoholism, I have AA. To help treat my bulimia I have OA and WW – Weight Watchers. Sometimes my head becomes saturated with the impure thoughts of food consumption. Most of the time the obsession is not there. It is a different challenge than alcohol. I cannot live without an ounce of food being put into me as alcohol (Knowing simply just “not drinking” is not the solution to an alcoholic’s Dz).

As I drove towards home with Olive, I took a drink of my beverage. Yum, the little pieces of chocolate, oh how I love to nibble them between my teeth, swooshing around the cold mixture making sure all parts of my mouth get the pleasure of this delightful liquid, then the swallow. The first drink only left a titillating sensation for the next.

When I got home I came to the conclusion, or “illusion” that this java chip LITE was too good to be the lite version. Fear consumed me, I tossed it in the trash. I have to be sure, cannot exceed my daily point intake. I have to measure everything out and know what I put into my body. In a sense, this seems like a lot of maintenance – but I want to keep my abstinence so much.

All it takes is a little thought, my mind directing me, suggesting a moment of purity, to expel all that garbage out of me when I get that uncomfortable feeling. I say, “just for this one time.”

Ah, but we all know having this “control” is the illusion. The big book says that this Dz is progressive. This has been true with my bulimia. Each time I have relapsed, the behaviors got viciously worse. The last time, shortly after I got sober, I adopted the bulimia again! I started to do the same things with food as I did with my empty Rum bottles: the hiding in my truck, the planning, making sure I had the right amount, the secrets, the shame, and all that other crap that goes along. I really thought I was done . . .

I cannot allow this terror to consume me. I cannot get comfortable too. I have to always fight this. Sometimes I think this is a “luxury disease” – alcohol and bulimia. It costs a lot of money to maintain each or both.

I heard someone say, “AA is the most expensive treatment in the World. A person has to loose everything, the house, the job, the lover and then some to get into these rooms.” This is not my case, but it sheds light on the matter.

Thanks for listening. ;)

~ Still abstinent and sober.

Mumble jumbling thoughts . . .

2006-02-20T10:16:00.000-08:00

My sober sister claims that cutting, or doing similar acts, is the one behavior with the least consequences. She is right. With this knowledge, I have some reservations about giving this up completely to God. I am doing the "pick and choose" mind game . . .

I feel beautiful. There is that small part that wants to sabotage where I am at in my recovery just so I will set the bar for disappointment when it occurs. My desire is not to do this with alcohol or bulimia, but for those painted cut marks on my arms and legs.

Beautiful, I feel this glow in my heart. I start to think, and things like the above consume me. Sucks. Met with my sponsor yesterday to finally work my 3rd. I am so thankful that she is my sponsor. I really believe that my HP had this intended. In sharing with my sponsor yesterday, I discovered why I was so attached to working with children with autism after high school. You see, I feel so uncomfortable around normal children and babies. It does not come natural 2 me. I want it to, but will have to wait, I think, until I popped one out myself. The autistic children, they are physically different and emotionally different. Their outsides is how I felt inside. Yet, how the public would react to their differences did not affect them. I wanted this, what they had. To be so different (not of their choice) but in their own accepting world, innocent, happy, angry, but living in acceptance.

My mom and Aunt Ona came over this weekend. One of the prettiest sounds I love to hear is my mom's laughter. When she laughs instantly I get a smile and that amazing feeling we get from laughing with. My mom's laugh is contagious. What a gift to experience this.

Gratitude List, I am thankful for
~ Sunrise Morning meeting
~ Hearing Kenny's story, in AA I get hope for those still suffering. If he can do it, maybe my father can.
~ My sponsor, she is the coolest
~ Those "normies" that support me, May A, Trish, Aunt Ona, my Mom, my Luv Mitch
~ The rain this weekend, washed away CA smog
~ The Foothills and all the hiking trails
~ Boot Camp!!!!!!
~ CSS and PHP, and the ability/desire to learn this stuff this one is selfish

We are off of BC for this week. Then come Monday we start the session all over. Mitch and I are still going to do some of the regimen. We are doing the compass run tonight. This is a killer -- I'M GAME. I am so ready. I need this for my mind, body and soul. It helps my sanity and to get those voices out!

Need Your Feedback

2006-02-17T15:01:00.000-08:00

Hi All.

I need your help. I am in the process of learning the art of managing CSS and soon PHP. I am testing this new blog layout and need your feedback. Please click on the link below to view what my blog layout should look like. If you discover any oddities, clashes, etc please let me know. I am having hardware problems and cannot test the blog among cross platforms -- so I need you.

Sober Chick's Blog Templates

I the link you will see 2 pages of what it should look like and one "no-no." I use a Mac, and the latest OS system (and those to come) does not come with Internet Explorer on Mac. The latest and last version of IE on the Mac is really out dated, and does a horrible job of handling floats and the box model -- blah blah blah, in simple words, I am asking to describe what you see.

I appreciate all your time!

Love and smiles,

Sober Chick

Chemically Imbalanced?????

2006-02-16T08:43:00.000-08:00

I wonder. 2 weeks ago I disconnected from everything, my first true funk since my last drunk. Was it because I had my worst period since I have been here on Earth? Was it because my ankles and feet got so fat I could barely be in my own skin? Not sure but I was really close to adopting one of my deceitful friends, not alcohol (that would be the last I think if I were to venture to this destination), not bulimia, but cutting.

Feeling like poop, I remember my mind being clouded with the blade. How attractive the sharp edge would be running along my skin taking me away from the abundance of FEELINGS . . .

I believe it is God that is not leaving me -- and I don't want to leave God. An interruption in my funk, Alice. I learned she was getting her year cake. I met up with 2 girlfriends at the Crown City AA meeting. I bought Alice some beautiful flowers and gave her a card. Wrote words from my heart, and GOT to see this miracle. I realized being in a room filled with a bunch of alcoholics and then some alike was enough to make me switch on again. I drove home so emotionally attached, I felt alive again.

My mood changes so sudden, it frightens me. I have to work that much harder to create a balance. I know no medium. I know the top, and the bottom -- this is natural to me.

In all honesty I have to get more active in my recovery. I started to read again, and need to continue this. I need to put AA first before all other affairs. This will help me to grow closer to God, the ultimate reason for my life today. Anyhow, thanx 4 reading.

At a much better place now. Still sober, still abstinent, and still cutfree! God, I offer myself to thee . . .

Testing a New Design

2006-02-02T15:28:00.000-08:00

I am testing a new blog design that I created. So much more to learn, but soon I will master it even if it means

O B S E S S I O N . . .

Boot Camp

2006-01-31T10:44:00.000-08:00

Me, a recovering bulimic and alcoholic, doing the Boot Camp thing. Last week come Wednesday, I could not even walk, feeling as if struck my a vehicle. Running in the gym for 40 minutes on the elliptical like a hamster in its cage does not even compare! Needless to say, I fell in love with this new discipline.

After each session of BC I feel so high, like I just took a swipe of something. My body is so addicted to that feeling, that euphoria. I use to get this from purging and drinking. Spiritually I am learning to receive it, but to be pushed and to push my own body to physical greatness is prime. I need that physical feeling. Looking back, I needed this since a child. I loved bruises, cuts, scars. Sports allowed me to nurture this. I was a self-injurer before all the rest! Time to turn it around!!!

Mitch is building Eric's site. It is under construction at his testing site but here is a peek:

Elite Fitness Bootcamp

Today I have all my needs met. I want more, but am ok without. I have purpose today, a path which my feet trudge and my eyes can see the road ahead. It lingers off, but I have faith that it is there, it will be there, and day by day I get to explore it. How beautiful is that.

So my plates suggest:

Some get it right away, some don't and ask. So far I have gotten:
1. Sober 8 times (that from my supervisor, very funny)
2. Sober Brat
3. Or just, whaaaaat?

The lady at the DMV finally asked "ok, I give up, what does it say?" Then, she casually asked me, "So how long you've been 12 stepping?" I discovered she had 12 years and this was no coincidence. God work is truly brilliant!

My Monito N Me

2006-01-26T13:15:00.000-08:00

MY MONITO (Little Doll)

My "Monito" use to give me security when I slept as a child. Then it was food, then it was alcohol, now it is God and the fellowship of AA.

Check out HNT

Alive in the sunlight of the spirit

2006-01-23T13:21:00.000-08:00

Olive, Mamas, Babas, Old Lady, and so many more! This is Olive, she is so beautiful.

~ My mom came to my work to get some direction. Today my mom values my opinion and we can talk like mother and daughter.

~ Last night Mitch and I went to dinner, came home and watched the Fantastic 4 in bed with our animals. We laughed so much, not at the movie, just because . . .

~ I got a raise last week. My work is being recognized and complimented. My design and creativity is progressing too as I walk no longer in the dark.

~ I took a nap yesterday with all of my animals. They all snuggled with me on the bed as we slept to the howling Santa Ana Winds. I left a window opened as we nested together warm and protected.

~ I lost 10 pounds with no binging or purging. I lost 10 pounds by actually feeding myself.

~ The obsession to drink has been lifted. I sat at a bar the other night waiting for a table and felt no pressure that I would act upon what will kill me. I was being amused by the drinkers at the bar and tahnkful that thier actions were keeping me sober.

FEAR
I don't want to loose this. In some way, my guard is down. Will that mean something will happen??? My shield not there to protect me leaving me vulnerable? Ah, but for all my life I had this guard and still was vulnerable. I say I am fearful, but not really. Fear is holding that shield, being blocked from the light of the spirit. The shield is not mine to own anymore.

Today I can embrace all that I have in my life. Sometimes I am baffled at those that struggle so much with thier sobriety, They go in and out, or are so miserable. Why is such grace shedded upon me?

Feeling of Wholesome

2006-01-16T13:19:00.000-08:00

Checking in after a while and still on the right path. So many miracles have happened since my last post -- I wish I can tell them all. I have been so busy with work, but am finally slowing down.

BROKEN
Last year I was jobless after being fired as a cause of my attitude. I was so sick then. Today I am employable. My supervisors know I am a sober member of AA and support me. My creativity and confidence is climbing. I am amazed at what I produce here. Got a raise today after my review a few weeks ago. I am content here, but aware of the deadliness of compliancy.

I am on Weight Watchers again. Initially I began with the goal of loosing my Holiday weight. Now I like the lifestyle. I love that feeling of nurturing my body. Something is happening to me -- I feel wholesome in my body. I feel so beautiful within, I can actually breath.

I am not just living anymore, I am ALIVE. The speaker at Crown City Friday described his existence before AA as a dog on the freeway; has no business there; fearful; avoiding life around the path of life . . . This speaker was amazing and I want all of you to hear. I bought his CD (Crown sells them for 5 bucks) and will post it next week.

I am so in love with this fellowship. I am grateful that I was borne with this physical allergy and mental self-centeredness. I can see through all those clouds that fogged my path for once -- I have purpose today.

Still sober and abstinent -- have not cut too in 3 months! :) Thank you God for my life today! Thank you AA for being my skin.

Grateful

2006-01-03T13:30:00.000-08:00

Last year at this time I was gonna get fired by the end of the week for my attitude. I was drinking at 7 in the morning by then and on the job. Today I have no shame of this event, and am humbled by it. Today I have another chance, working for a corporation that knows I am a sober member of AA. I was here only 2 months when I told my supervisor I was leaving the next day and why. That was my first experience of letting someone, besides Mitch, know the truth. I received support, and to my surprise, they wanted me, a drunk, a selfish and self centered jerk, to come back.

~ I am grateful today for this job
~ For Alexis and Mel, I laughed so much with you. I love u women
~ For Mel's SIA meeting, it allows me to give back and support her
~ Eating 4 slices of pizza yesterday and not having any guilt or thought to get rid of it
~ Actually being happy and content during my first sober Holiday season, I made it and had a grand time!
~ My animals, except when Nic got too happy and squirted us with anal glands. Yuck!
~ A second chance
~ The blogging community and HNT

I just bought a new laptop this morning with my own money. I don't owe anything! She comes in 2 days. I love Apple. I like pretty things that cost a lot of money -- yes, I am a sick being!

half-nAAked Thursday

2005-12-29T12:18:00.000-08:00

Something so close to my heart. I cannot 4-get that I am not in charge here.

See the mAAgic!!! half-nAAked Thursday

My 1st half-nAAked Thursday, n then some!

Today I have something so close to me heart! I am not in charge. Although it was difficult to give my job up (u know, depending on me and only me to remedy me and things wrong with me, my life, blah blah blah) I now am in complete acceptance that I am not in control. What a relief not to depend on me in that way. Every time I did, such as to beat bulimia, stop the self injuring, control my drinking, I would fail. This FAILURE caused so much fear -- if I could not depend on me then what else or who else could I depend on? A wise one once said . . .

"Fear is the path to the dark side, fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering."

God, thank you for giving me your grace for all of my years -- I just did not know.

10 Things I Am Looking forward to this New Year in no particular order):
1) Turning 30
2) Entering my thirties sober
3) Celebrating my 1st AA birthday in 6 mo (yes, w God and the fellowship, I can do it -- not alone)
4) Mitch & I walking the New Year with a new me, a new us and knowing that Mitch is not my HP
5) Growth, Pain, Laughter, friendships, tears, trudging . . .
6) Working thru all the steps
7) Spiritual Growth
8) X Man III (hey, how'd that get there)
9) Being a sober member of AA
10) The AA community of bloggers!!!!!