Resentment

Am feeling better today though, look:


I realized why my negative energy was directed at Mitch last night.

I built a resentment, more less, I had this already but was playing that rewind type for the committee in my head on the drive home yesterday. "If Nancy can forgive her, then why can't she forgive me for the same reason?"

I was truthful with Kel, I could not love her anymore like she wanted me to. Her jealousy tore us, and I found comfort in my disease in the end. Sober and stable I was (well, somewhat) for the time we were together. I just could not do it anymore.

I miss her so much. I want, however, a friendship. She can't. I want to see her glow and be happy because she found love. She can't do this for me. it hurts her too much. She did this to Nancy, broke nancy's heart. She manipulated her and disregarded her emotions. She did what she wanted to do -- Nancy learned to forgive her and accept her. To Nancy, letting go of Kel actaully won her back -- a friendship.

I resent Kel because she lives in the hurt I did because I left. Why can't she get past it? Why can't she be happy for me. Rewind, rewind, rewind, and Mitch gets the short end of the stick.

I am sorry my love, but am thankful that I have the "wisdon to know the difference." What I struggle with is the serenty and courage part. I am stuck in my head again, God I pray to know how to do Thy will, and not my own.

Scattered!

Today I am feeling really irritable. Guess who is the fortunate one that gets my attitude????

I am excited about Full potential. Dennis needs my 2 package files complete by this Sunday. It is amazing how productive I am sober! Dale will be in China , leaving Sunday hence my deadline. Consequently, I had to be absent to the Woman's Stag tonight. I just got back -- had to set up coffee, God forbid if the coffee is not made. Resentful little alcoholic sisters they would be! Ha!

The energy at Casa is amazing. That place is so sacred, and God has his angels all over the home. I got a really good hug from Regina. She is one I want to get close to. I really need to get closer to some of these women. I am still hurt by Victoria. I have been hearing so much through my sisters. They say it is wise to stay away from her, her relapse is worse than ever. WHEN will she ever get it?

I realize I have resent towards her, and am just as guilty with my secrets. In some ways, she mirrors what I don't want -- I don't want what she has yet am fostering a symptom of my illness daily. I was talking to God the other day about my eating disorder. I want to do His will, and feel that I am not worthy of prayer, and His love because I abuse my body - that which houses my soul -- so badly.

Dawn says Victoria looks like shit. I am sure that her outsides represent my insides.

I want to be recovered, but this program is that of action. To be of service, to have a spiritual experience and give it away again and again, to put AA first and have faith that all else will follow, to completely surrender and allow God to take away all of my character defects. I heard a speaker the other day say that God leaves us with some of our defects. This allows us to help others. It makes sense.

Still smiling and hopeful . . . Thak u for sending me the kittens.

Sober but owning my Bulimia once again :(

A new week, a new day. I went to my first OA meeting this Saturday after my morning Sunrise meeting (I love those people soooo much). I have only heard great things of this meeting -- that practive from the Big Book (thumpers, YES!!!).

I am a newcomer here, and by the Grace of God I am still sober. I was thinking as I drove to work this morning that those aggressive mind cravings I had a few weeks ago had gone away. I really learned to experience "One Day at a Time." Soon, I will no longer have to live this way and be a recovered alcoholic . . .

I have this new beast and it is back worse than ever. I am as sick as my secrets, and it felt good to let this one out. At first I thought that I would do a few purges just to get through that fullness. The cycles are bad, and anything I put in my mouth will introduce an episode.

Today I woke up with every iintension of having a binge/purge free day. I felt so good this morning, confident, in love, "not a cloud in the sky" until I began to listen to my head. Again, it called, and my healthy lunch in the fride will have to wait -- I am doing it again, and in an hour or so I will meet with the cold ceramic porcelain to purify myself and welcome instant gratification.

Something I did recognize:
All this morning I was content, but felt as if I were mourning something. Once my binge behavoir began I felt something so comforting. I realize that my eating disorder brings me strong comfort, yet I hate the obession. It has me, it really does. I am sober, and have not cut in a long time -- but this, this one is my baby.

The Holidays are here. Food will be everywhere. I still will attend OA meetings, the next on Tuesday at Las Encinas.

Eats gets worse, never better . . .

I got to get out of myself. When my mind is left to its own devices, watch out! I am sober, 129 days taht is. This is my first time in recovery, and I know I have the disease. I am a real alcoholic, with the mental obsession and a physical allergy to alcohol. I know the problem now, and am so thakful that it is not "will=power" that is my remedy. No, my solution is spiritual -- never would I have imagined I would call out and trust a God to my understanding.

I seek a spiritual experience, so that I can share and give it away. They promise that this will keep me sober and happy victories I will walk, never alone.

Because my Dz is centered in my mind alcohol is only a symptom. My Dz supports others, 2 ugly beast -- bulimia and self mutilation. I had a slip of my bulimia just over 3 weeks ago. For once in my life I am not shameful to say what is going on and that I need help. I would battle this alone and beat it every time. My eating is miserable. When I am abstinant it is ALL about control and you know how Happy that makes us -- smirk.

This is it, my journey in recover. I battle to keep my sobriety and win abstinance. Self mutilation, another beast, but One Day at a Time, One Symptom At a Time!! Haha. I am still love with life, and Thank You God for giving me this day.

I speak the truth, it is time . . .